Unintentionally Falling

chapter twenty-one

Iris

Fuck.

I... I'm so fucking pathetic right now. I'm sitting here like a little fucker crying in an alleyway. I hate crying. Did I tell you that? I get embarrassed, I don't like people seeing me like this. It's so different from what they're used to.

I don't cry, I make the corniest jokes for the people who are crying to laugh.

They just won't stop coming down, one comment about Evelyn and I'm having a total meltdown.

Is it really my fault about Drew?

Was I truly the dirty liar and slut Sienna described?

Stop, you will not give in to her slut shaming. That came from a place of insecurity, jealousy and envy. And I sure as hell know it. That's how it always is.

But that doesn't make me feel better, it stops the wetness in my eyes but does it truly make me feel better about her comments about my striking similarity to my mom. No.

Think, what would someone important in my life do right now when they're hurting?

The first person that comes to mind is Aaron and I don't even know why, it happened so quickly.

What would he do?

I ponder that question which temporarily distracts me from the predicament I'm in. Every time I think of him it's calming. It's nice. Distractions are a good thing right now.

I decided I need to take a walk. I've come to the conclusion that I think Aaron would take a walk to clear his mind. What brought me to that conclusion? I don't fucking know. But we'll go with it for the sake of going with it

So I walk. But right before I do that shit, I run into the café's bathroom to throw water on my face trying to get rid of the redness.

Looking at the mirror was a real trip, I've barely cried so seeing the aftermath of my tears really was weird. But that's okay. It'll be fine.

Then I walk off, actually it's more like trudge around on the sidewalk with my head down.

Maybe I'll get some McDonald's and eat McNuggets while pondering if I deserve anything I've been given on this Earth. Or maybe I'll go and get a healthy green smoothie that tastes like grass and then ponder whether I deserve anything. We'll see.

That's the duality of me.

"Iris?" A familiar voice calls out, my head snaps up immediately. I thought my head was playing tricks on me, but it isn't.

Aaron's just exiting the fro-yo shop with frozen yogurt in his hands. A giant grin is on his face, like he's so excited to see me. Like my presence makes him happy.

"Hey." I greet, staring down at the sidewalk.

The thoughts of Sienna's words about my mother, the thought that I'm not good enough for shit coming running back and suddenly I want to leave.

"Look sorry, I gotta go." I tell him, trying to turn around and walk off.

Why do I even fucking waste his time? It's truly awful of me, isn't it?

I'm not enough, I don't deserve shit. Sienna's words ring in my head once again.

But before I can leave and walk away from him, he gently grabs my hand pulling me back to look at him.

"Are you okay?" He asks, genuine concern flooding his dark blue eyes.

He shouldn't be concerned, not about me.