Unintentionally Falling

chapter thirty-nine

Iris

The car ride home back from San Bernardino was utterly silent.

Crystal is driving on the freeway. No one is talking, it's the kind of silence that isn't comforting. It hurts. I sit there, I don't say a single word. Neither do they.

I lay my head back on the headrest, closing my eyes. The fucking desire to just fall asleep and forget about everything is vital. I don't know. I just don't know.

I hear mostly nothing in the darkness as Crystal speeds on the highway. Until I feel the car slow down a bit.

Then a soft sniffle comes from the front seat, then another. My eyes flutter open to see Crystal in the mirror, her eyes red and watery.

I open my mouth to say something but Crystal's cracked voice cuts me off before I get the chance. "I need to get gas. I'm pulling over." I don't even know what to say when she turns on the nearest exit.

She parks the car, and I watch her through the window when she heads into the gas station's convenience store.

"Iris?" Alexia speaks.

I hum in response that she's got my attention, or not really at all. I feel like shit, I don't feel myself. I can't recognize the things I've said or done. I don't even want to fucking live, breathe, or talk.

"I think this has something to do with Nadia." She references Crystal's tears with a sigh. Nadia is the girl that's Crystal's friend but isn't technically a friend. The girl she's hopelessly in love with, the one she stays devoted to. The girl who won't commit but lets Crystal keep coming back to her

I don't even respond, I just sit there. A few minutes later Crystal then scurries out with a fresh face, yet her eyes remain a bit puffy.

I don't remember the car starting or getting home at all. Everything feels numb to me. I don't listen to anything after that. My heart is heavy with thoughts of that one morning. The morning with Aaron.

How would someone as unloveable as me become loved?

*******

I throw myself onto my bed after the rough few days I've had. Fucking hell. The mattress is cold, untouched and it's all fucking misery. School has repetitive, it's just the same shit, day in and day out. I just sit there and mindlessly type my notes.

Sienna sits in a completely different area now, although I sit with Mel still. She doesn't question my mood or the way I barely look at Sienna. Or why the fuck I won't talk to her.

I don't think I ever will actually. Our friendship at this point is inconsolable after what I heard she tried to do during Halloween.

Halloween. I haven't seen Zack since then, I can't believe things happened the way they did. Alexia mentioned that she has only seen him once at a frat party drinking his ass off. I just wanted to have a friend, but he never even saw me as one.

Drew gives me a small wave, one that is so different yet somehow reminds me of Aaron. And then the fucking constant feeling of being a piece of shit crashes down over me once again.

I want to be friends with Drew. I just want to be cool with him with no sense of drama that follows. I know that, and I think he knows that too.

Aaron though? I want to be friends with him...? No, I don't. No, I do— no just no. I can't be like that, I can't be in over my head, unlovable, and dumb. One who is blinded, and then gets fucking left behind.