If only...

21.everything is clear now

MON POV ÷

Being in an ill-defined relationship is one of the most toxic things, believe me, it's torturous to find yourself muddled with your mind and heart constantly arguing whether this person is good and worthy of trust or am I stupid enough to not see the signs!?
that's exactly what I was feel every time I see, or think about Sam.
what kind of relationship we have?
and if she is really what they say about her, why is she behaving nicely to me even though I already gave her everything like ... you know what i mean, and if she is not that bad girl as they say, why doesn't she stay by my side Why does she make me feel so cheap when I'm in bed with her with all those rules she makes like I can't touch her or we can't hold each other after we're done even when I need to, why does she leave when I fall asleep and I end up alone in bed When I woke up, I mean, her actions made me feel like she was doing me a favor or something, nothing more.
all these unanswered questions were driving me crazy, and to be honest, if I was in her bed for the second time and I woke up alone, I felt like I was disrespecting myself, and that's what I shouldn't allow.
everything should stop when it came to my dignity If being away from her will cost me my life, it doesn't matter, but my dignity is above everything. I was trying to prove it with my mind, but after she came to my home and her unexpected kiss I felt that I had returned to the starting point because of what happened that day.
literally, she had messed with my mind and my heart.

That kiss was not the last strange thing that Sam did.
After that day she visited my house, Her strange and unexpected actions were repeated frequently.
as for me I was happy but confused. I ... mean the girl I love suddenly became interested in me and looked at me with admiration,What more can I ask for?!
during that period, she showed more interest in me. We go out together to eat, go to the beach and mostly when she is not in a good mood.
when we are alone in the car for example she was the one who initiates the kiss, she always starts with a gentle kiss as if she is asking permission and of course I always give her permission to did that.
Did we make love?
yeah, we did that several times and always at her house, but of course with the same rules as before, I can't touch her, and as far as I know she goes right after I sleep So I always found myself alone in bed, we don't go near each other when we're the university.

I always asked her about the strange relationship that we had, but there was no answer, we usually had such conversations when we were in bed but she was content with looking at me and kissing me gently, not interested in my question so it was easy for her to escape from answering my questions.

Therefore, I always felt that my relationship with her had no planned future, Everything that happened was random.
I felt as if I was floating in the air after falling from an abyss and I did not know when I would hit the ground and be ove. I tried to set limits and stop myself, but my love for her and my feelings were much stronger. I don't know, but maybe I was doing that because I was hoping for a miracle to happen or something like that,
but what happened later made me realize that miracles only exist in fairy tales.

The countdown to the second semester exams began, and there were only two weeks left for the exams. Things began to gradually get complicated when my father told me that we would travel to Canada after I finished my exams because My uncle had cancer and was undergoing chemotherapy, and he had no one to take care of him, as he was a single man because he did not date anyone after he got divorced from his wife.
My reaction at the beginning was harsh because my father had already decided everything without asking me, so I spoke to him at the time with obvious annoyance on the pretext that he does not care about my opinion and considers me as child, but the real reason was that I did not accepted the idea of ​​traveling and being away from Sam, my friend and my life here, even though he told me that we would only stay in Canada for the duration of the vacation, but that It didn't change my decision that I didn't want to go.
I told him I would stay home and that I would get a job and take care of myself. Of course he did not want to hear that from me Therefore, he asked to postpone our conversation until the time came.
Although my father was not used to seeing me in such a state behaving foolishly and not controlling my nerves, he tried to be understanding and give me the space to think and arrange my thoughts, He was the best dad in the world.