If only...

28. leave her alone

SAM POV ÷

After what happened in Mon office and the things I knew about what  happened with mon after the Last time we saw each other and i had no idea about it, I felt weak and mentally I was not ready to talk to anyone.
I spent several days alone in my house thinking about everything that had happened from the first time I saw her until the moment I left her office several days ago. 
i was remembering everything I did with her in the past and that made me feel guilty.
I mean... she loved me, but all I showed her was mocking her feelings. Suddenly I realized that I didn’t know what I had been doing for weeks in Selena company and what its purpose was...
Was I just seeking her forgiveness?

but .... The desire inside me To embrace her and smell her distinctive perfume and the scent of her hair, which always made me feel numb, proves that forgiveness was not my only pursuit.

I don't know how to tell you this..but...but all I wanted was to... feel her in my arms and hug her tightly.
I don't know if it was the effect of alcohol or not, but believe me... I hate that feeling because I can't even get close to her.

I wish there was a way to go back to the past so you could slap yourself and preventing it from making mistakes that you will regret later...exactly like what happened with me... i wasn't even treating her good dude...I used to ignore her when I was with my friends because she was younger than me and she wasn't my type ... I would invite her to eat in a restaurant when I felt like I wanted to be with her, or more precisely when I couldn’t find anything that would satisfy my desires. I was obsessed with having sex with her, but I never thought about  her that she would be more than just a girl to have sex with by my rules.

Selena was right, I hurt her more than anyone else and no one will be able to hurt her like I did...i hate myself for that.

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After about a week of hiding in my house and isolating myself from the outside world, I suddenly felt a desire to know who had set up that trap for her in the past, and when I thought of someone I could contact for that purpose, I was unable to find anyone except her talkative friend Emily, so I did not spare a chance and called her... and yep... we agreed to meet in a restaurant.

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"I know that sitting and talking to me is the last thing you want after everything that happened."
I said that and looked away from the window that was overlooking the sea next to me Emily look at me showed how upset she was about being in the same place with me.

"You know that you are guilty, so don’t blame me."
  Emily said that and cleaned her mouth with a napkin after she finished her meal to prepare for the conversation.

"Thank you, Emily, and I’m sorry to bother you, but I want to know about what happened with Mon at the end of that school year and how drugs were found in her bag or something like that."
I said that and I put my hand on the table waiting for Emily's answer, who was drinking from a glass of wine with a sarcastic smile.

"she was one of your girls ... they said  she was dating you, and you did not deny it. You cheated on her with Mon, and it seems that she took revenge, but on the wrong person."

" what?!! ....but I wasn't dating anyone at that time who said that was slandering me."
I said that defensively.

"Well, then why didn’t you deny the rumors about your relationship with her?"
Emily said that, raising an eyebrow.

"Deny what, Emily?!
There were rumors that I was dating half the students at the university.  They say I was dating Chris too even though i hate that guy...come on, I can't believe you believe I was behind that trap"