If only...

33. vulnerable

MON POV ÷

After more than 5 years of running away from the person I swore to erase all the memory about her ... that night
I picked her up to bring her into my house to take care of her... after everything she did and i hate myself for that.
She was weak and fragile like I had never seen her before.... She looked like someone else, not Sam, which made me lose my dignity,  My reputation and self-confidence....the person who took advantage of my stupidity and naivety to have sex with me and throw me away as if I were a shoe she no longer wanted to wear, the person who made me wish I would die one day, the person who made me realize that love and weakness are two sides of the same coin.... she was so cruel to me and I can't believe how stupid I was to accept to have an open relationship with her even though she was a red flag.

after she got rid of me, those in her circle were keen to make me leave the country with my head in the ground... I will never forget how I almost lost my future because of that trap that  I lost my father's respect and trust forever because of it... but i will not blame her alone...she is not the only person to blame for what happened to me... I will not deny that I was stupid to believe that I had a chance.
After everything that happened leaving the country was what saved me and made me think about starting over.
I will not deny that the bullying, mockery and insult I was subjected to will always target my memory and make me hate returning to the country I left while I lost literally everything but it wasn't my choose...I returned months ago because my father wanted to spend the rest of his life among his friends... the people he lived with most of his life... everything was good in the beginning when we got back because the years I lived in Canada and England made me a stronger person, or let's say they killed the old version of me with the stupid feelings that made me lose everything and I'm grateful for that, but seeing her...  After all those years in Selena's office... it was like a slap that made me realize that I had not forgotten her. She is still a dilemma for me, but what I was feeling was not love as it was before, it was feelings of anger, disgust and hatred. I know that I have no right to blame her over everything because my stupidity had a huge part in what happened, but I will never forget what she did to me after the night i ended our relationship, or let’s say our agreement on mutual sexual interests.
her people made me dirty but i didn't deserve that ... no one deserves to face what happened with me.

It was as if dealing with the fact that my father was dying her attempts to annoy me and get close to me as if she had never done anything before made me hate her more and hate myself too. She was making me feel disgusted with myself. I know she was feeling guilty.  But it was selfish of her to come so she could get forgiveness at the expense of my mental health. All I was asking and needing was space away from her and nothing else and she did not respect that, and here she is now in my house and I am taking care of her and pity her because she seems weak and vulnerable ...I can't believe I felt guilty after everything she did to me.

But in the end, leaving her outside in the rain was not an option. I no longer love her, but I do not wish her to be harmed because of me. All I wanted was for her to leave me in peace, but it seems that there is no peace in this country, especially since I lost my father. The roads seem closed to me and  Inside I hope that everything will end soon. I am tired and I feel broken and cannot be fixed. I hate that I am angry all the time and my feelings are numb all the time. My father’s death was killing me inside but I cannot even cry or scream or do anything. All  What I wanted was to be alone without noise or people around me and Sam was not helping by being with me under the roof all the time.

" I'm sorry"
Sam said that in a weak and shaky voice to interrupt my train of thought while I was listening to the sound of the rain that was making me feel relaxed. I turned around and I found her looking at me with tears falling from her eyes as if she were a little girl.

"The doctor said You should rest, do not leave the bed.”
I said that coldly, then I went towards her and touched her forehead hesitantly to make sure that her temperature had dropped a little, and yes, she was in better condition after 4 hours of sleep.
when I made sure that she was fine, I wanted to leave, but she held my hand weakly, and I know that she did not realize what she was doing because of the fever.

"Please do not leave, please "
I gently pulled my hand from hers because it was not an option to allow myself to pity her more, but she got got out of bed weakly and almost fell, and I had no choice but to catch her. As soon as i did that, she hugged me tightly and began crying uncontrollably. I could hear her heavy breathing, but I could do nothing but pick her up and return her to her bed. I felt pity and amazement at seeing her weak, and perhaps some guilt, but her tears were not what I asked for. I wanted her to stay away from me, and she did not understand that. In the end, she hurt herself and me.

"Please, please, do not leave. I am sorry for everything. I swear I will do anything to fix what is between us, I love you and I am ready to die for you"
Sam said with difficulty between her sobs, but what she said was not what I wanted to hear. She was making me wish I could leave the house without coming back again. Seeing her did not give me peace, but it seems that after everything  It happened that there was a warm spot in my heart for her, and I hate that more than you can imagine. Don’t get me wrong, it is impossible for what I feel to be love, but only a warm spot and some feelings of care in the end she was someone i loved more than anything else in my life years ago and it's not something I'm proud of it and you can't blame me for that...

I don't know what you think about me, but I am not cruel and I am not the villain in the story.
What happened to me because of her was like a scar that cannot be eliminated.... Maybe I am a weak person but moving on was not an option. Believe me, I tried to fix myself in previous years, but I did not feel any change no matter how hard I tried.

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