Fix you • Chanbaek

farewell.

This is not an update, and I probably won't update until next week.

I've wanted to write this earlier, but I just couldn't find the right words.

I've needed some time absorb this information inside my head, and it is very hard.

I believe all of you here are either suffering or at least touched by Kim Jonghyun's death.

I personally still can't believe it actually happened. I can't see the world where there's no Shinee with a certain 27 years old man in it. When I first saw the news, I refused to believe it completely. He wouldn't do it. He couldn't leave us.

But he did, and I had to face it. I had to accept the fact that Jonghyun died unhappy, suffering.

I want to say few things. I know you've been reading supportive messages all over the internet, but they can do no harm. They can only help.

I've always been aware of what a serious issue this is. There was a member of my wider family that killed himself, and the reason was also a mental illness that I won't name due to personal reasons. I hoped I wouldn't face this again too soon, but we can't choose what life brings us.

People may say that they don't understand Jonghyun's reasons. They think mental illnesses are just a story made up to scare little children. "He had the looks, money, fame, why would he be unhappy?"

Well exactly all those things are your reasons.

People often say good looks are a curse as much as they are a blessing. You're always under pressure to look good, dress good, impress people with who you are on the outside, and it often hurts you that rare can see you on inside.

Money can make you more unhappy than happy, because after some time you start to lose yourself in it. You stop seeing a purpose in it, and you realize it's not a source of happiness.

Fame however, is the worst.

There are good things about it. Having thousands of people who love you and look up to you for who you are and what you do. But on the other side, you live under wide eye of media 24/7. You have to hide your personal life. You can't be yourself most of the time, and you have to play by the rules others set to you because you don't want to make yourself a target for haters.

You have to literally think about your every step before taking it, and your entire life turns into mess of fears and stress, making you forget about all the nice things that come with it.

You have to handle all of that, while all you want is just to be human as well. Because you are. Human who bleeds, suffers and feels. You're not a toy of those greater above you.

You want a life, and in the world of fame rare can afford it.

All these things cause depression, and whether you're an idol or just a normal person, you can be it's victim.

I know that Jonghyun knew that we love him. I know he loved us too. But sometimes, love just isn't enough to keep someone alive.

You can't love them back to life, either.

There is nothing we can do for Jonghyun now but pray for him. We have to stay together in these hard times and encourage each other to keep moving, because that's what he would want us to do.

Let this tragedy be your reminder on all those who suffer like he did. All those people around the world, who have different reasons, but might end up the same way. You can help. Either a person you know, or just devote your prayers for all of them. Pray with all your heart.

If you know someone that should be helped, talk to them. Don't be too direct, and don't treat them like ill people. Talk to them like to your best friend. Make them realize that they matter. That their life is precious and as important as any other.

If you personally have such thoughts and issues, remember that we are all for you. If anyone wants, I will glady talk to you about anything, and I will pray every day.

Even when you feel that there's no escape and that it's over, please, wait. Wait, because sooner or later your salvation will come in the most unexpected way. You just have to be patient and believe.

Jonghyun carried many of us through our hard times, but there was no one strong enough to carry him. He couldn't handle things that bothered him any longer. It feels like losing a part of ourselves, because that's what he was. What he is.

I hope you're feeling better up there, Jonghyun. I hope you can see how much this world loves you, and I'm sorry it had to be that way.

I guess that God really does want his most beautiful angels by his side.

Thank you for making many days, hours and years easier for your Shawols. Thank you for being our anchor.

Rest in peace, Kim Jong Hyun.