Fearless (Bellamy Blake - Book 1)

Chapter 25.

I stand motionless, staring at the inky darkness surrounding me. The only part of me that moves is my eyelids as they blink slowly, my mind however, moves a thousand miles a minute. 

Someone moves to stand beside me, the warm glow of the fire behind us would light up their face, but I don't need to look up to know that Finn is looking down at me right now with a deeply concerned expression.

I ignored Finn and Wells as they approached us in the woods, and walked back to camp ahead of the group and have stayed by myself ever since, standing outside the ever growing wall with nothing but my thoughts. No doubt Bellamy and Clarke filled them in on what happened. Octavia was the first to approach me when I entered the camp, but I couldn't even look at her without being reminded of Atom instantly. She liked Atom, a lot, despite what her brother said and it's my fault she can't be with him anymore. It's my fault Atom won't walk another day on Earth, he won't be able to see or speak to his family again. 

I don't even know if Atom has a family.

"It was my fault." 

My voice comes out quiet, hoarse and rather shaky, and I swallow past the thick lump in my throat. My eyes drift shut and my hands clench at my jacket sleeves from my arms' folded position. 

"It was MY fault." I repeat, my voice low and teeth clenched. "We were running from the fog and I tripped over something. Atom..." I sniffle and shake my head. "Atom helped me up, but h-he got caught in the fog and--and he told me to go...so I-I did." 

I can't help the tears that stream down my face and neck, dampening my top. I haven't cried in almost four years, and it feels good to let all my emotions out, but I also can't help but feel extremely weak whilst I cry.

"I ran and I left him there, alone. I let this happen to him. I-If I had ignored him and helped him up then he'd still be alive. If I had been looking where I was going...if I hadn't of even tripped in the first place then he would still be here." 

A loud sob escapes me and my hands fly to my mouth and I squeeze my eyes shut. 

"I should be the one who was caught in the fog. I should be dead right now, not him." I shake my head and cry uncontrollably, and I'm suddenly pulled into Finn's chest, his arms wrap around me tightly. 

Only it isn't Finn's arms around me, holding me tight against his chest. It isn't Finn who's lightly resting his lips on the top of my head whilst his thumb rubs soothing circles on my back.

It's Bellamy. 

I'm not sure how I can tell that it's Bellamy exactly, all I know for certain is that it isn't Finn, because I've hugged Finn enough times to know. 

There's something about the silent man before me, he was silent whilst I unburdened my thoughts, just like how Bellamy was silent the night before in the cave, allowing me to talk as if he enjoys listening to me.

This man is the same height as Bellamy, my head rests against the bottom of his shoulder, right at the top of his chest, and I know from standing beside Bellamy enough times that this is my height against him.

The arms around me are firm but caring, strong yet holding me delicately, as if I could break if he uses too much pressure. 

It's what I imagine Bellamy's arms to feel like. 

My tears soak through the blue fabric my head rests against, and that is the sure giveaway that I'm not hallucinating. Bellamy Blake is comforting me, and I'm glad that he is.

"It wasn't your fault." Bellamy says to me quietly yet firmly. "Atom helped you because he wanted to, and he wanted you to leave him. Don't blame yourself for obeying his wishes."

He's not just talking about the fog anymore, he's talking about Atom asking us to kill him, and me fulfilling that wish. 

"You stopped his pain." Bellamy continues. "He asked you to end it and you did. You did right by him, that doesn't make you...a murderer," he says the word carefully, as if saying it will cause one to pop up in front of him, "because that's not what you are."

Oh, Bellamy Blake, how wrong you are. 

I'm glad that it's Bellamy here with me, and not Finn, because although Finn knows me better, I know he would judge me too much on my past to try and realise why I did what I did today. Bellamy has a new perspective, one that I'm rather afraid to hear, I'll admit, but it's because Bellamy is in the dark about my past that I feel comfortable around him. He doesn't give me odd looks and whisper about me behind my back like the other delinquents, he doesn't look at me like I'm about to break like Finn does.

Bellamy actually listens to me when I talk, and will seek my advice on something important, he let me take charge of the camp alongside him, even when he didn't know me. He actually looks at me and sees me, not my past, not my ever-changing mood, but me. 

The thought causes me to cry even more, I desperately want to tell him everything, to unburden myself completely, but if I do that then this will be over. Bellamy won't comfort me and tell me it wasn't my fault, he'll look at me with disgust and maybe fear, he'll look at me and not know whether he can trust me or not. 

I sob again and my legs give in, causing my body to slump against him but he reacts instantly, bending down slightly and lifting my legs into his arms, holding me against him as he turns and carries me into camp. 

I squeeze my eyes shut, letting my emotions fully take control. I hear Bellamy move aside a fabric of tent, and I'm slowly and carefully lowered onto the ground, and I shuffle inside the sleeping bag beneath me, letting my head rest against something rather firm. 

"Hey Trouble, think I can have my arm back?" Bellamy asks, a slight hint of amusement in his tone. 

My eyes remain shut as my mind slowly shuts off, but that doesn't stop me from replying, "Not a chance, Blake, get your own arm." 

A beat of silence passes and my breathes start to even out, and I hear and feel someone shuffling with a sigh, before Bellamy's words actually register with my brain. 

"Did you just call me Trouble?" I slur slightly. 

"Well," Bellamy's voice is quiet and very close, and warm air fans my ear, "you've been nothing but trouble for me since I've been down here, so I think it's rather fitting." 

I don't reply as my mind drifts off, exhaustion overwhelming me.