Fearless (Bellamy Blake - Book 1)

Chapter 36

"What would you have done," I ask quietly as I stare at the ground beneath my feet as I walk, "if Murphy had killed me."

I trail my finger lightly over the fresh cut on my neck, feeling the blood that starts to dry and wincing at the stinging pain the contact causes. I look over at Finn and see him frown.

"I don't know." He answers truthfully.

He doesn't know?

"Would you have killed him?"

Finn looks up at me with an unreadable expression, "Yeah, I guess."

I nod and look away.

If Clarke were the one in my position, if Murphy killed Clarke, if he even hurt Clarke then Finn wouldn't hesitate to seek revenge.

I'm not stupid, I may have been keeping my distance from him the past few days but I can still see the way he looks at her, he used to look at Raven that way all the time.

A part of me is jealous that Clarke is getting all his attention, but...

"You got too involved." Finn breaks me out of my thoughts and it takes me a moment to register what he said.

"What?"

"With Charlotte." He says after a moments hesitation, he avoids looking at me when he says it and my entire body freezes at her name. I stop walking and turn to face him with a hard look, waiting for him to elaborate.

Finn sighs lightly before stopping and looking up at me, a soft expression on his face. "I know you saw yourself in her, it's why you were so hellbent on helping her after she killed Wells. You didn't want her to be viewed as a murderer like you were, because, like you, she didn't know what she was doing, or the impact of her actions."

"You don't know what you're talking about." I say harshly, my eyes narrowing into slits whilst my heart pounds.

Lie. Finn knows exactly what he's talking about, and he's right.

"Don't I? Look I know you Chris, ok--"

"No." I cut him off, anger pulsing through me. "You don't. You used to know me, but clearly you don't anymore and it's obvious you don't want to either."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" Finn knits his eyebrows together.

"Clarke." I say simply, her name is enough to boil my blood at this point.

"Clarke?" He repeats, not understanding.

"I'm not stupid, Finn. It's been clear ever since we landed on Earth that you're attracted to her and I know that she is to you. And ever since then she is all you've been focusing on, and you know what? It hurts."

I know I need to stop, but the past
week has just been so chaotic and I just can't cope. First Atom, and now Charlotte, heck even Wells. I can't keep all my emotions bottled up like this for much longer.

"Hold up." Finn cuts in. "You're the one that didn't want us to visit you in lock up, and now that you're out and free and I'm not giving you all my attention you're upset? That's not fair Chris."

"Fair? Fair?! Finn, what isn't fair is that I tore my family apart and when to prison for it, and my friends--my other family didn't even care about me anymore! You NEVER came to visit me, not once! The only time I saw you was when you got locked up, and I wanted to act like I was completely fine for not seeing you in three years but you know what, I wasn't."

"We wanted to see you! We tried to come to every visiting day but they turned us away because you said you didn't want to see us!"

We're both yelling now, our emotions running high as we let out all our anger and frustration.

It feels good to get everything off my chest, but it isn't going to end well.

I shake my head at him in disbelief. "I can't believe you." I spit out. "I have been through HELL ever since we got down here and you've not even bothered to see if I'm okay, and now you're lying to me. You remember Atom? I killed him Finn. I was the reason he got caught in the acid fog and then I ended his life, I stuck a knife into his neck and killed him! And now I can't stop seeing his face in my nightmares. And tonight..."

I start to choke up but I fight back the tears and try to keep my voice even.

"Charlotte was a kid, and she didn't know what she was doing but what she did know is that she wanted to be like me. And do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel sick. She knew what I did to get locked up, she knew that I took someone's life and yet she thought I was brave and she wanted to be like me so her nightmares could stop. She is dead because of me and you don't get to stand there and judge me because that's not what a friend is supposed to do! You're supposed to try and make me feel better, you're supposed to help me get through it, but instead you're standing there blaming me and telling me I was too involved!"

I let it all out in one breath before standing still. A beat of silence passes through us. We both stand defensively, our faces hard and fists clenched. Finn and I are a lot more alike than we know.

"You're supposed to be my friend, Finn. You're supposed to be my brother."

I relax my facial features and take a step back, feeling physically drained and it's clear he isn't going to try and patch things between us. Not now at least.

"It's clear to me now that you no longer have the intentions to be either. So I hope you have a nice life, Finn, because I'm no longer going to be in it."