Shattering the Alpha (Book #1)

In My Head

*NOT EDITED*

I moved my lips against his, letting go of a week's worth of heartache and passion into it. One of hands laced through my hair before he moved it down and rested it on the small of back, pulling me closer to him. I felt like I was on cloud nine, in the arms of the man that my heart beats for. I let my hands slide down his chest, feeling his abs through the thin material of his shirt, before pulling away and staring into his eyes.

"So, what do you say about my proposition?" he asks me before kissing down to the side of my neck and moving my hair to the off my shoulder.

"Proposition?" I asked, a little confused. I couldn't think with his face nuzzled into my neck, leaving tingles every time he planted his lips on my skin. This feeling was heaven on earth. Fuck an orgasm. This felt a million times better. 

He moved away from me slightly and answered, "About running away with me. We could leave everything behind and start fresh. We wouldn't have to worry about William or his posse. We wouldn't have to worry about pack expectations. Our kids can grow up normal without the trauma of being a part of my cursed bloodline. If you want us to go, I am ready to give everything up. Just say the word."

"I don't think that's a good idea," I said, as I created some distance between the two of us, but kept full eye contact. I could see that the expression on his face changed.

"That's not the response I was expecting. I thought you would be thrilled."

"How could I be when I know that being Alpha is in your blood. This is what you were born to do, and I won't drag you away from that. What if you just end up resenting me in the future for the decision I make now. And honestly, I don't want to run away from my problems anymore. I want to be an adult and face them head on. Even if that means that we are going to have a few rough days down the road, with dealing with the Council and our relationship" I explained trying my best not to drive another wedge between Axel and me. We were finally at a good place, and I didn't want to ruin that.

"Do you still want to be my Luna?" he asked, I could the fear of rejection in his voice, even though it was only slightly above a whisper. What happened to the confident Alpha I once knew? 

"Of course, I do! But we both know it's not going to be easy. There is also a lot that we have to fix about our relationship. There are things that need to be solved before I can give myself into this relationship again," I truthfully replied.

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that we can't have a conversation without fighting or disagreeing. Or that you hurt my dad and never apologized or made it right. Or that my heart broke the last time I trusted you," I said, maintaining my composure for once. I didn't want to say things to make is sound accusatory, but I just wanted to communicate my feelings to him. And hopefully we can move forward like sane humans. 

"Whatever it is that you want me to do, I'll do it. I sure as hell don't want you to leave again. I know I screwed up, and tried to make it better but ended up making things worse. I messed up, and I am sorry. But, you have to understand, everything I did, I did for us. For you. At least the best way I knew how in the moment. Please believe me." He grabs my hand and interlaces our fingers.

"We can try therapy. Individual and couple's therapy. We both have things we can work on." I offered, tightening my grip on his hand.

"I'm fine, we're fine. We don't need therapy. We can work on this together without anyone else's input" He reassured me. 

"No, I don't think that's the best thing" I counter. "Axel, I think you're living in the past. You keep thinking that whatever happened with your parents is going to happen to us. So you react accordingly. You punish Mason and his mate for something they didn't do. You treated me like crap the entire time I was here because you were worried that if you gave into your feelings it would make you appear weak. I think it would be good for you to talk about the issues that have been living with you ever since your dad committed suicide. You need to talk to a professional about all the crap that has happened in your life. And God knows I have my issues too. We can't be good for each other if we don't work on bettering ourselves first," I ended my speech, hoping that I reached him in a way that felt safe. 

"Will it make you happy if I go to therapy?" He asked. 

"That's just the thing Axel, it's about making you happy, you looking out for your mental health is about something you should do for yourself. Not for me. But to be fully candid, yes, I would appreciate you doing that a lot." I tried to be gentle but firm in my delivery. I needed him to know that things have to change so we don't repeat our mistakes.

"What else would make you feel like we are taking a positive step in the relationship?" 

"I don't know, I guess we can take it one baby step at a time, until we find what works best for us." 

"Okay, that works for me, but there is one thing," he proceeds

"What is it," I ask curiously.

"For one thing, you need to let me reach you through our mind link again. Not being able to mind link you was torture."

"Um, I'm not blocking you. You were able to mind link with me during the Lunar Trials when I was just outside of the clearing without a problem, and I didn't do anything else to stop it."

"I had been trying to mind link you the entire time you were gone, and I couldn't even make a connection with you. I couldn't even sense your wolf. We had a blood bond between mates and a mark, which is way stronger that a normal pack bond. I should have been able to contact you without a problem and it definitely should have been easier to do than with the rest of the pack."  I didn't do anything to block my link with him. Did our bond deteriorate when we didn't mate for so long?

"Axel, I really had no idea that you were trying to contact me through the link. And I don't know why you couldn't reach me," I answered back.

"Of course I tried. That was the only way I could have reached you. I didn't have any options, and when even that didn't work. I felt so hopeless." Axel explains as his eyes gaze deep into my own.

"Okay, try to mind link me now. Maybe it will work." I said, hopeful that it will work. We kept staring at each other for a while, and when I couldn't hear his voice in my head, I asked, "Are you doing it, because I can't hear you or feel the connection you are trying to make."

"Yeah, I'm trying," he said, sounding frustrated.

"Here let me try," I offered, focusing my attention on trying to reach Axel through our mind link, but still nothing. I could feel myself start to go back into my little hole, wanting to scream because every time I make progress with Axel something bad happens to ruin it. Tears pooled in my eyes, and I couldn't help the feeling of defeat that came over me. Maybe Axel and I just weren't meant to be. "When was the last time you mind linked someone?"

"You at the Lunar Trials," he answered. 

"Why is this happening? Has this ever happened to anyone before?" 

Axel shook his head, signaling he doesn't know, and headed to his desk and pulled out a dagger. What's he going to do with that?

"Oh my God! Axel don't!" I yelled as I saw that he was about to slash his palm with the dagger like he did at the Lunar Trials.

"I'm going to reform the bond. It should work if we do this. Please let's just try." I was scared, and my hands were shaking. But, he was right, this could work. It worked the first time, why not the second? Just as he was about to run the knife along the palm of his hand, the door to his office opens and the three boys who left us earlier walked in.

"Didn't I tell you guys to behave?" Tyler asked, as he eyed the dagger Axel was holding in his hands. "That means, you should not kill each other," Tyler laughed. 

"We'll deal with this later," he whispered, before placing the knife back into the drawer.

I couldn't help the small shiver that ripped through me at the idea that Axel and I wouldn't be able to form our complete mate bond again.