Moonlight Kisses

trials and tribulations

Dinner after that was excruciating. Just to see Beau's smug face after leaving me like that made my blood boil, but I couldn't do anything about it. I guess that's just the point, right? He wanted to push me right up to the point of complete desperation just to get off on the fact that he could get me to those lengths.

And I, being the stupid hormonally-driven teenager I've been tonight, gave him the satisfaction. Willingly. He didn't have to even beg, much less ask.

I don't know what came over me at all. 24 hours ago I was pondering what life would be like without the infiltration of the deal. I didn't think for a million years that I'd be here, letting his hands be the first to touch me. Intimacy that was nothing other than recreational didn't appeal to me. I wanted my first experiences to be with someone I'd been in a relationship with, who I loved and who loved me back.

That obviously didn't happen. But for some reason, I don't feel mad at myself for it. I feel angry that he didn't let me come, but I'm not at all angry about letting him touch me for the first time.

But by indulging in my selfish desires, I broke a promise to my best friend. The promise that I'd tell her everything.

And no matter how faithful I want to keep to that promise...

I cannot tell her.

So this is the last time. It was a temporary little thing. A product of sexual tension I knew this entire time we had, I was just too stubborn to admit. Ok, so he fingered me. He's not the only guy that can do that. There's nothing special or remotely extraordinary about this experience. It bids nothing to change. We can still go our separate ways. I can still be around Sophie without feeling guilty because I know this is the last time. This is the last time I'll pull some stupid shit like this. This is my last time with him.

What a goodbye.

I snarf down the rest of my plate just in time for Eliza, Brian and their daughter to leave. We give them a good parting note, especially me considering what just happened.

To my misery, Sophie finds the perfect opening chance to pull me aside. I couldn't say no even if I wanted to, that'd only give her more reason to speculate.

"Hey, is everything alright with you? Ever since you came down for dinner⎯"

"I know," I blurt out hurriedly. I've rehearsed this conversation in my head over and over again nonstop since my head finally came back down from my lust high. It wasn't a conversation I was particularly keen on having, but it's better to feed her little white lies than dropping the catastrophic bomb. "I've just been feeling a little off, you know?" That isn't a total lie, I haven't been feeling quite like myself, just not in the way that she's thinking.

"Yeah I get it. Look, I wish I was able to tell you sooner about Beau coming along. Things must still be weird because of the fight," she sympathizes. That's the one thing about mine and Beau's situation I'm glad I told her about. She saw my body, wracked with sobs, fall into his arms like it had been done a million times prior. Her last glimpse of us had been of me jumping into his arms without hesitation and allowing him to carry me into his bedroom. When she asked me about it later, she confessed the feeling she had that told her we didn't do anything, and I confirmed that.

I shift uncomfortably. I have a strong, overpowering feeling that someone's watching me. I know exactly who the source is, but Sophie's inkling has already been kicked into high gear since this morning when she caught me staring at him, possibly even before that. I can't look at Beau, I know he's only doing this to taunt me. And it's not going to work.

"I'll get over it, it's fine," I casually state. The toe of my boot digs into the carpet, pressing hard enough to remind myself not to look.

She reaches out and grabs my arm, capturing my full attention. "It's not fine what he did to you that day. Don't even try making bullshit excuses," she mutters in a hushed tone, but the way she says it commands all of the control over the situation. Her tight grip loosens a bit as she intakes a deep breath. "You were hurt. He took advantage of that. And he sent you out without a moment's hesitation. He's insensitive that way. You're allowed to feel angry towards him."