Moonlight Kisses

faith

jordyn.

Someone's arm is tossed around my torso when I finally shake myself awake.

All I know is that it's not his.

I angle my head to the side slightly to get a glimpse of Kat laying beside me, her eyes sunken in from exhaustion. If the dark circles lining her eyes look that prominent, I can't imagine my own pair of dark rings look any better.

It took forever to fall asleep last night. The last few hours I spent awake in darkness were hazy for the most part. Like my recollection of the last 24 hours of my life could only be seen through my crystal tears. It was too much for any one person to take in. My memory had to be jogged in parts, otherwise, it would drown me. Remembering everything that happened with Colin, leading up to that and what followed was all my mind could gravitate to for the first half hour that I was home. Up until that phone call, all my thoughts consisted of was Colin and I fucking hated that. Had another half hour passed like that, surely I wouldn't have recovered in merely a night.

I remember the phone call vividly. How helpless Beau sounded through the phone. Calling out to him, pleading with him to help me. I remember my sister's broken expression, the visible shift in her eyes. From void to sympathetic in that dire moment where me and Beau were literally pleading for one another, begging me to reassure him that I wouldn't do anything stupid, begging him to be alongside me. It was a moment of consuming desperation, one Kat couldn't force herself to ignore. It was the first time since she found out about me and Beau that she did something other than throw snide glances at me. It was the first time I saw her noticing the genuineness between us. Realization hit her then.

I was able to understand why Beau didn't want to be around me yesterday. I cried and cried relentlessly, blamed myself for him not wanting to force himself to deal with me on this one. The more hours that passed, the more time I had to think, which should have been a torturous thing but as the sun settled down into the starless sky, it became more reflection than anything else. I came to the conclusion, and I have no way of proving this to be true or not, that he was scared I couldn't handle the sight of him so battered. So colorfully bruised that it made him unrecognizable. I didn't put that fear of his to rest, even though I should have. Amplifying it by flinching away initially at his touch, I wouldn't want to be near me either if I were him.

Dare I say those hours apart from each other did somewhat good. I didn't talk to Kat the way Beau asked me to. I couldn't bring myself to. She didn't force it out of me either way. She held me, which is all I could ask for in a time like this. Kat let me cry in her arms, leave a soiled mess of tears on her fitted gray t-shirt. She even let me delve into her candy drawer she reserves for that time of the month. The last time she let me do that was when I got my first period. Four years ago.

Somehow she just knew whatever was on my mind wasn't Beau's doing. I knew it wasn't Beau's doing, the blame is put on Colin and solely on that piece of shit. Beau's self-loathing is what scared me the most during these hours apart, thinking that he could somehow find a way to put the blame on himself, which will make the brokenness I heard in his voice ten times fucking worse. Since I couldn't be there with him, I hope there was someone who was. Sophie, probably. Even if she just gave him the company, like how Kat did for me, it would help to reassure me. I just need to know that he wasn't abandoned to deal with this on his own.

It's better for us to come to the realization that we don't just have each other. We have people around us. Once we get that through our thick skulls, it would make our relationship much safer. Because what happens when one of us somehow can't get to the other when they need it most? It's a slippery slope we're treading here, one that could send us to our downfall at any given moment.