Moonlight Kisses

selfish for loving you

"You let everyone down."

I can't move. I can't speak. I can't even hear my own thoughts. She's running the show here, she's made it perfectly clear.

"I was rooting for you, J."

The only time she can get to me is when I'm weak, when I'm at my most vulnerable. I try to climb out of this trap, doing whatever I can to get a bit of leverage but it's no use. My thoughts drag me back here, to the accident. Where my legs are smashed between my seat and the steering wheel and my neck is cramped against the ceiling of the car. Being upside down makes all the blood in my body flood into my brain, making me feel nauseous and like death is slowly approaching. It's the slow torture I couldn't bring myself to bear at the time so I drifted off to sleep.

She makes sure I go through the course of it all. While she recounts to me all the fears I have. All the fears that she gave me.

A new voice pops up from behind me. Painfully familiar at that. "Come on, she always finds a way to fuck up everything in her life, it's not a surprise," a dream figment of Beau sides with the other version of myself, the one who remains voiceless if it weren't for the weak points I find myself at.

Really, she's the pathetic one. Only preying on me when I'm at my weakest. But just as coldly as I shove her down and lock her away hidden from sight, she throws that same horrible treatment right back at me. Just because she wants me to remember her, set her free.

I'm not doing that, I can't do that.

It's really low of her to bring Beau into this though. These dreams were bearable up until now.

"Worthless bitch," he says against the outer shell of my ear. With whatever's left of my thoughts I tell myself over and over again, "It's not him, it's not him, it's not him," and pray that this will be over soon enough.

I hear sirens in the distance. Maybe they're coming to rescue me. God I hope they're coming to recuse me. I can already feel my eyelids getting heavy. I'd give into sleep, but I just know she'll make my agony worse.

"A selfish one at that," she pouts, scoffing at my weak state, "How could you do that to your parents, Jo? To Kat? They've done nothing but try to protect you."

"Yeah," I squirm, my natural survival instincts kicking in. It's like she enjoys watching this. Watching me die slowly.

If I go, she goes with me.

"Trying to protect me from you," I say in a strangled voice. I push my hands up against the ceiling of the wrecked car, attempting to shift my weight onto my arms so that my neck doesn't snap. It feels like it's going to snap.

Bad idea. The moment I press my right hand up, applying even the slightest bit of force causes a sharp pain to shoot right through my arm. I unintentionally let out a scream in pure pain. To that, both of them hum in pity, but it's not the kind of pity that tells me that they're going to do anything about my pain. It's a sarcastic pity.

My Beau wouldn't do that. He'd help me, I know he would.

"Please, please just let me out," I beg, shuffling around to look into Beau's eyes as he looks at me. Unphased, unharmed by my tortured state.