Moonlight Kisses

ignorance is bliss

TW// drug abuse

My mind hasn't been able to catch a break.

At first it was fuming over little inconveniences like forgetting to shut off my alarm from yesterday. Then it was not having any creamer left for my coffee. And to top that all off, I got a nice little grocery list surprise on the refrigerator.

It had only been twenty minutes since I got out of bed, and I was already at the grocery store buying things I didn't even finish in the first place because I've been absent all week.

Oh, but at least I had my time with Beau to look forward to, right?

Wrong. Hours passed of me looking down at my phone for a call, a text message, a fucking email if that's what it has to come to. And nothing. Radio silence. To be fair, we didn't make any concrete plans yesterday when we were out taking pictures at a wax museum on Hollywood Blvd. Or the day before that when he kept true to his promise of teaching me how to ride a skateboard. But still, we've found little ways to spend time together every day this week. Sue me for expecting at least a reason why he didn't even text me back today.

I wallowed in my room all day. Only coming out twice to go downstairs for some snacks and then retreating back to my room without so much as acknowledging Kat. I was so anxious about what Beau might be thinking. He could be having second thoughts. He could be angry at me for something I did, which I don't even know what to begin with. Hell, he could be thinking absolutely nothing and here I am turning my thoughts inside out to the point where I don't even know what they sound like anymore. I just hear Beau's constant voice pounding in my head, conjuring up reasons for being so distant.

The fact that I sound like one of those crazy clingy girlfriends doesn't make me feel any better. One, I'm not his girlfriend. And two, I'm not the clingy type of person. I never needed reassurance. I was confident enough in most of the relationships I've built to know that the feeling was reciprocated. But I've never depended on someone half as much as I do Beau. I depended on him for my freedom, my peace, my pleasure. It was a safe that only Beau had the key to. What a person, am I right? My heart and body could have chosen anyone, and I mean anyone to respond to, and they collectively chose the one person who's just as close to falling off the rails as I am.

Intuition isn't even a thing at this point. I used to be so good at calling the shots, being one step ahead. Ever since L.A., that hasn't been the case. Feeling this connected to Beau was never in the cards and yet here I am wondering if he's going to text me back.

Soon enough, nighttime rolled around, and I gave up on waiting for his response. Maybe not today, he probably said, she won't panic if we're apart for a day, she's not crazy. Well, big realization, I may just be a little crazy. Beau just might be the thing that's going to drive me off the rails. I knew that before, but now it's confirmed. Beau is my kryptonite.

I start brushing my teeth to get ready to go to bed. I'm not going to see him anyway, what's the point of getting my hopes up beyond this point. Maybe tomorrow things will go back to normal. Maybe Saturday. Maybe Sunday. Suddenly Monday comes and I find out he's found a new girl to fuck with.

Okay, no. Those are my fears and insecurities talking. The whole time I'm by his side, I feel assured, I feel secured in the belief that he's not going to just leave out high and dry without notice. I know his motives are pure, there's no bet or deal involved when we're together. I see it in the way he acts. I see it in the way he looks at me. I see it in the way he does things for me he normally wouldn't do for anyone else.

As soon as I'm left to my own devices, that pesky inner voice comes back and convinces me otherwise. He's playing me. He wants to gain my trust to break it. He wants to hurt me. He's a sadistic motherfucker who just wants to get under my skin to break my heart. Yeah, he has the power to do that now. I've reached a point where if he wanted to take our intimacy a step further, take my virginity, I'd let him. That's a scary thought considering just a month ago I would have never even considered giving such a big part of myself over to him. Then again, maybe I'd forget about that too, just like how I can't remember the most vital years of my life, the years where I became who I am today.