Moonlight Kisses

five minutes

Darkness envelops the room around me. I have a vague idea of where I'm headed. Each step I take forward is heavily guided by muscle memory. Seven steps gets me to the other side of the bed...five steps more and I'm at the bathroom door...two more and I'll be... Shit. I prop myself up on the edge of the desk, allowing this wave of lightheadedness to pass. My body has never felt weaker. I feel like I'm floating, not above clouds but in free fall. Any moment now I could collapse to the floor. My hold on this desk is the only thing keeping me from passing out. The only physical thing keeping me locked into reality.

Two more steps. Feeling as if there were concrete blocks on my feet, it makes each step more strenuous than the last. I have to do it. I have to without a choice. I practically throw my weight against the bathroom door. My hand frantically searches for the knob until the side of my hand collides with the cold metal.

My adrenaline kicks in. I swallow a gag. And another. And another. I take those last two steps and crash onto my knees beside the toilet and let out the contents of my stomach. Acid burns at the back of my throat. I dig my nails into my thighs, praying this could end sooner rather than later. My strangled coughs bounce off of the walls, unsurprisingly waking up Beau and alarming him.

As I continue to uncontrollably retch, he comes up behind me, swiping my hair out of my face with one hand and rubbing my back with the other. I'm pretty sure I look horrid, being sick and hunched over a toilet, but there's nothing much I can do about it now. It's not like I can simply turn around and tell him to get out.

Finally after what feels like a lifetime, I let out a few final coughs and curl back from the toilet, reaching up and slamming the lid shut. He lets me settle back into his chest, needing his comfort. Instinctive tears fall down my face, uncontrollably they leak out of my eyes. His arms pull me even closer into his hold.

"You're okay, baby," he whispers above my ear as he rocks our bodies side to side subtly, "You're okay."

I cling to his forearms, not wanting him to let go of me anytime soon.

After a while, I started to lift myself up. Feeling ten times better than I did when I was woken up by the feeling of sickness lurching in my stomach. I look in the mirror, confirming that I look as bad as I felt. If I were Beau, I'd be running for the hills at the sight of me. This isn't the girl he fell in love with. I look like a sleep-deprived zombie. My eyes sunken in with stress and exhaustion. I'm almost certain my breath would be horrendous if I dared to open my mouth. I just look out of it.

I went to sleep fine last night...

It's called morning sickness for a reason.

"Jo," Beau speaks up. He presents himself behind me, locking eyes with me through the mirror.

His hand extends out to graze my arm but I harshly pull away. Moving to the furthest side of the counter, hiding away from him. Dismay clouds his features, my worry breaking him in a way I shouldn't have allowed it to. "Please go," I whisper hoarsely. My insecurity pushes him away and I can't stand to see the saddened look on his face as he sighs in defeat. Silently shutting the door behind him, leaving me all alone in this cold bathroom.

If missing my period wasn't proof enough, there's no other explanation for this. I can't keep putting it off like I do everything else. I can't go on denying it and putting it aside like all of my other problems. I'm pregnant.

I kneel down on the floor. Succumbing to the tears that were welling up in my eyes.

I never meant for this to happen, really. Beau and I always used protection. We were always safe. The one time we didn't we still took precautions. Just our luck, right? The singular time we fuck without a condom knocks me up. I can't even blame the shitty universe and how the chips are always down when it comes to our lives. This is all on me for forgetting to take that fucking pill. I had one job and I couldn't even fulfill that.