I effing love you

Part 52

It's been weeks now and Jordan and I haven't spoken.
I don't even know why I'm still pining over this clearly it's over clearly I read into all too much but..I dunno- I guess it just really felt like he did actually like me. I mean he would say all these things...Jesus I really am starting to sound like one of those girls.
I've been trying to make sense of it all..I didn't even reply to the famous message what the hell was I supposed to say to that? I wish he had maybe given me more information or at least spoke to me in person. It's these kind of thoughts that have led me to put on at least five pounds and how could I forget I completely failed my science test. Mr Hyatt had so much concern in his face when he held me back to talk about it that I maybe nearly accidentally sort of told him why I had failed!
Ahhhh! Stop I can't even think about it, how embarrassing! He was just so concerned and so Mr Hyattlike, he reminds me of a teddy bear but I didn't go as far as to hug him!
You should have seen Missy when I told her later that day, she actually tried to walk to Jordan's house it was horrific I had to hold her back! She did actually message him on Snapchat saying all this mean stuff and wouldn't delete it even when I physically slapped but he just left her on opened.
Jordan was never the "nice guy" and I knew that, I wasn't blind but the thing was he was nearly always nice to me and even when he wasn't I always made excuses for it or just blatantly ignored it.
Haley and Missy have been really nice and supportive but I think they're bored of it now so I've been trying not to talk about it too much. It's weird it's like I have to reinvent myself, my whole routine is completely shifted.
Gsces are pushing closer and closer and they've been the best distraction ever, I need to get a B in maths and I'm struggling so badly. I wish I could get private lessons like Lara but when I looked them up online I nearly passed out at the figure they costed, even if I could convince my Dad to send me money it would cost a small fortune and I don't see the point in spending money on something I absolutely detest.
I wonder if Jordan is studying, he didn't do much last time but maybe if he tried he could get some sort of job...ugh. Why am I thinking about him again?
I need to start focusing on myself again, he's still subconsciously controlling my life and he didn't even ask for it!
I sigh deeply and shove my head against the maths book, banging it slightly too hard against the wood. I have to take a break.

Missy and Haley are both gone out, I think Missy is next door studying with Nas and Haley is supposed to be with Chloe who she decided to make up with with my permission, I thought I was funny she felt like she had to ask. Anyway she's not actually with Chloe, she's with Riz but if I tell Missy she said she'd smother me at night with a Christmas sock, thinking back on that maybe I should sleep with one eye open from now on. This means all means I'm bored and hungry, not a good combination when you're me and all you want to do is cry and stuff your face. There's nothing in the cupboards this is ridiculous how am I supposed to make a sandwich with pink wafers and one shrivelled tomato.
I grab my purse and see a few measly coins, should be enough for tea and soup.
I don't really want to go on my own, I've been on my own now for too long I think it would be better if someone could distract me from my thoughts.
Everyone is either busy or has a group of friends that doesn't involve me, the weather is getting warmer and warmer and loads of people have been having picnics near the hills, I wonder if Jordan has been up there yet? Oh for fuck sake.
I lock the door behind and the warm air relaxes me the minute I feel it. I'm not bothered to get a bus into Bradford it doesn't seem that important for lunch instead I head on my way to ABC Cafe.
"HEY WANKER!" A bike whizzes past me making me rush to the side of the road.
"Idiot" I say laughing. "Hey can I take you out sometime?" Zain grins cheekily.
"I thought you'd never ask"
"Well considering you and Jordan are no more it's time to shoot my shot" he says mimicking a basketball shot. I frown at this suddenly not feeling so jolly. "Aye yo I didn't mean it like that you know just kidding" he says softly, still keeping that cheeky grin. "Yeah..yeah I know" I desperately want to ask Zain if Jordan has said anything about me I know the two of them are pretty close but I've done enough embarrassing things the past three weeks that I don't need to talk myself into doing another one.
"You're coming to the picnic then next week?"
"Oh I wasn't aware there was one"
"No one told you?" I go a little red, I always considered myself quite popular and now it seems even my own cousins haven't told me, I'm realising quickly that I was only popular because Jordan was popular, I was always with him meaning I was always with his friends, or just simply had a reason to go to certain parties and have Cory Wilson know who I am. "No...I've been keeping to myself lately" I mumble. He doesn't seem to notice the sadness in my voice, sometimes I wonder if Zain is ever aware that not everyone's life revolves around saying the word bro, playing video games or cycling around merrily on a bike with nowhere to go.
"Well most of our year is going..except the freaks of course" I go to scold him at this comment but he's on a roll "loads are bringing booze..bro you're so lucky you don't have parents, I'm gonna have to inhale mints before I go in and try stay standing" he says laughing. Most people would feel sorry for people "without parents" but according to Zain it's the dream life. "Sounds cool" I say blankly. "So where are you off to all aloneo?" He asks leaning over the handle bars. "Just to get some lunch...you can come if you want" I say trying not to make it sound like I need company.
"Ahhh I would but Mums making curry innit.." I smile kindly, "it's okay, gives me more time to think about English literature I suppose" he grins, "you really are a nerd", he doesn't wait for my response and as he's leaving he whizzes through a very angry group of women wearing Burqas.

I wipe tears away from my eyes. I'm not crying in public, I need to get my act together. Talking Zain is the most normal I've felt in ages, I just feel so lonely. It's not really a feeling I'm used to at least not in the past few months. There is one person I know would probably come and talk to me..I don't know do I want to talk to her.
Then again I don't want to eat tomato soup on my own like a saddo even the old men in there have their newspapers to keep them content. I text her.

I see her coming up the street through the glass windows and I sigh. She looks okay, better than last time I guess. When she walks in she doesn't see me and looks around confused.
"Over here" I say loudly enough for her to pick up on and follow. She gives me a little wave and hurries over dropping her pink handbag on the ground beside her.
"Hello" she says, sounding a little out of breath, it makes me feel a funny way pleased to think she rushed to get here.
"Hey...sorry for the last minute notice"
"Don't be silly..I didn't think you were ever going to ask if I'm honest!"
"Yeah well...neither did I".
The woman comes over to take our order.
When I order the cheapest mushroom soup, Mum butts in.
"What?- are you sure..that'll hardly fill you! She'll have the Cesar salad with a side of chips", I sort of huff just to show that this doesn't make everything perfect.
"I don't have enough money for that" I hiss when the waiter is out of earshot.
"I think the one thing I could do at this point is pay for my daughters food"
"I thought you were saving" I mutter sourly.
She sighs noisily, "Okay..okay I get it!" She raises her voice above the normal happy level causing me to straighten up.
"I know I've messed up here...I know that! But I want nothing more than to even talk to you..and you asked me here and- and please can you just stop sulking for gods sake!" She puts her hand to her forehead and sits back in the seat.
"I'm sorry" I say my voice breaking. Tears fall down my face.
"Oh darling..." she gets up off her seat and comes to my side.
"No..sorry I'm fine I'm just tired" I say grabbing a tissue from the little box thing on the table. She sits back in her seat and dabs my eyes from across the table.
God if anyone from school sees this.
"Did something happen? Her voice sounds genuinely concerned.
"Oh you know it's just exams and..and well I don't know if you remember but that guy your mate..punched" she shakes her head in protest of the word mate, "well we were going out..for quite a while actually and then he broke up with me and I know it's not a big deal or anything- I don't know why-..I just you know- I'll be fine it's just-.." I'm babbling horribly now and she puts her hand on my arm to interrupt me.
"I'm here now"
Looking back into her deep blue ocean eyes, I feel at home. For one minute everything feels like it might be okay.
Whether it will be or not I don't know.

Mums making more of an appearance..The next chapter will be..well why don't you wait and see eh? Do you think Jordan's just not the guy we all thought him to be, I mean I've always been a big believer in nobody's perfect..
I'll update again tomorrow hope you enjoy I know it's a bit of a filler there will be more coming!! Xx