The Last Daughter

Chapter Forty-one: Worry of all worries

Xyra's viewpoint

   Fear comes in many ways, happens in different ways and stands for different things. For example, the fear of losing someone, the fear of failing, the fear of change, the fear of losing a job or hope and many more. But to me, the greatest fear is the one that comes with disappointment. That moment where you wait so eagerly for something good to happen or for a result and to be disappointed at the end, only to start doubting yourself because you feel like you might not get there; you are afraid that you will never get there. In my case, I was afraid of negative result.

   I earlier mentioned that I received the worry of all worries. I didn't let it bother me while trying to support my best friend whose mate almost died and the beta he almost killed in his rampage. Caesar was found out cold, a hole in his chest, barely missing his heart. If I didn't heal him, he would have died and Zane would have never forgiven himself, even if it wasn't his fault.

   According to him, he just slept and saw a lady in his dream. She kissed him and the next thing he knew, he woke up with no control over his body. I didn't blame him, no one did. But that didn't mean we hadn't taken careful measures to make sure none of such happened again. Thanks to April strengthening the magic of the barrier roses no one knew about, no evil could go in or out without being disintegrated.

   Back to the part where I received the worry of all worries. Majesty and I were very much convince that we were carrying a life inside of us. It was pretty unexpected since I was taking pills the entire time. I had only recently stopped after I found out the situation of my mate, but any result wasn't supposed to be out. Sure, it had been two weeks already since I found out, but the clues were pointing to the fact that it was more than that.

   For example, I never did get my heat like I thought I would. Carswell and I might have mated two days to my heat, but it still should have come. I didn't feel any heat, just the insane need to always have him filling me up.

   Number two, if I wasn't pregnant, I ought to have seen my monthly enemy already. I didn't pay attention to the fact that it actually didn't come the last month or the month we were halfway through and if calculation serve itself right, there was a possibility to have conceived during the morning after we mated or when I discovered I couldn't use protection. For the other times, I had been taking the pills the doctor gave me.

   We couldn't just assume, the whole thing meant a whole lot to us. So why I was afraid was that I was starting to doubt the possibility of ever having a child. You know, if you have ever badly wanted a baby, the pressure your mind gives you and the fear of the negative result, the pit in your stomach and that mind telling you to face the obvious truth that there was no baby. That was just it.

   It scared me in many ways. Being pregnant would prove so many theories wrong, make Carswell and Emperor so happy they would never want to leave us, give us a chance of a happy future with no shame or disrespect for my mate, keep the throne with him and give the werecanids the chance to remain in unity. But there was also the fear of losing my baby during the rising trouble or actually dying because of it. There was the fear of being a bad mother or dying after giving birth. The fear of losing Carswell and having to raise the child on my own. There were so many unspoken fears and not having anyone there to hold me wasn't helping.

   I wanted to do it alone, I needed to. My friends didn't know about Carswell's predicament, and I wasn't going to share it with them. Mostly because I would have to tell them about the dragon, though I was guessing they would find out very soon. Still, I couldn't bring myself to tell them that my boyfriend and future husband would never be able to give me children.