Heartbeat

Wanting To Feel; Smile

Alex-

I couldn't fall asleep. Today's Friday, and I know tomorrow I will just sit alone in my apartment all day. Like every weekend. Most eighteen year olds go out, maybe go clubbing or just to a party. But not me.

I wrap the blanket further around my body, snuggling further back into the metal chair that's perched on my balcony.

I wish I could say that I came out here tonight to just stare up at the stars because I'm having a sleepless night. Or maybe I came out here to read a book peacefully and drink a cup of tea. But no. I came out here because I feel empty, and I'm wondering what it would be like to jump off the edge of the railing that's right it front of me.

But I know I won't. I know I don't want to die. But I just wonder what it feels like, the moment before you actually die. The moment when your free falling. I just want to feel something again.

Feel actual happiness instead of the front I put up. Or feel love, the thing that I haven't felt since a child. Feel at home, the thing I haven't felt since I was torn away from my family. I want to laugh. I want to feel something, anything.

I let my feet fall to the floor, lifting myself to wander into my living room. The only sound filling my apartment is the sound of the rain pelting the roof.

I was thinking of going for a walk down to the lobby to occupy myself, opening my front door. But instead, the record Harry brought by catches my attention.

I take the record I had placed in the record player off the rack, placing the one Harry had given me on it instead.

I place the needle on number seven, sitting down on the couch as the song starts to play.

"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by if you smile through your fears and sorrow."

The small smile that was on my lips turns wider, the new song speaking to me.

"Smile, and maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shining through for you."

I feel tears prick at my eyes, happy tears streaming down my cheeks as I listen to the lyrics. Maybe things will get better for me.

"Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness,

although a tear may be ever so near."

By now I let a small laugh fall passed my lips, the only sound that ever really comes from me. But I couldn't help it.

"That's the time you must keep on trying.

Smile, what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just try."

And those words made me smile, an actual smile.

After the song was over I was no longer crying. Because what is the use of crying anymore? I've done it enough.

****

Harry-

"Harry do you know where the cereal is?" I hear Niall call from the kitchen.

I lay on the couch just a room across from him, my eyes closed in boredom.

"Where it is every morning Ni." I tell him.

I hear him opening and closing cupboards, "But it's not." He informs me.

"Well, then maybe we are out." I tell him.

Sometimes I wonder if Niall could even live on his own, he seems to need help with everything.

"There was a bunch left yesterday though." He whines.

I huff as I stand on my feet, shuffling into the kitchen. Niall takes a step away from the counter to give me room to search for myself. I reach up to the cupboard that I had seen the cereal last, moving a box of crackers out of the way to reveal a box of cereal.

I take it in my hands, giving Niall a smug look as I pass it to him.

"Whoops." He shrugs his shoulders.

I breathily chuckle as I turn to go back into the living room, "Will you get the paper while your up?" Niall calls after me.

I sigh as I walk to the front door, tugging it open to see the newspaper right where it should be. I lean down and pick it up, a teared piece of paper and my album I'd brought to the mysterious girl next door beneath it.

'Thats a lovely song, I would say that's my favorite too. -Alex'

I turn to walk back into my apartment, staring down at the letter, discarding the album onto the table by the door.

Her name is Alex.

Was she too shy to come over and give the record back? I couldn't think over it much longer until Niall speaks.

"What's that?" Niall questions me while tugging the newspaper out from under my arm.

"Nothing." I answer simply, shoving the note into my pocket.

Niall pays no more attention to it, returning to his bowl of cereal. If Louis were here he would've said something. Thanks god he's with Eleanor.

I take a seat on the couch, snatching the newspaper from Niall and opening it with a goofy smile.

Authors note: let me know what your thinking! VOTE AND COMMENT PLEASSEEE:)