Heartbeat

Wanting To Forget; Pretend Its Ok

Song of the chapter-


Pretend it's ok by Little Mix


*Mature content towards end*



Harry-


I didn't leave her for the rest of that day. When she initiated for me to come lay in bed with her I did just as she wanted, holding her in my arms until I felt that I had helped mend her broken heart as much as I possibly could.

We didn't need to talk, we didn't need to kiss or do anything in that matter because holding her was enough to make me feel better, to help me forget the way I had seen her broken down and crying on that sidewalk, her heart seeming as if it was shattered in a million pieces on the ground. It hurt to see her that way. It pained me to hear her sobbing against me so hard that her whole body shook and collapsed in my arms.

I couldn't get the image out of my mind as I laid with her, squeezing her tighter everytime the sound of her crying and the image of her curled up on the sidewalk entered my mind. I didn't know she was so scared about her mom and sisters car crash, she never told me that she had a fear of crashes. Maybe I should've known without her having to tell me, I should've known.

Eleanor had came to talk to her but Alex was asleep, so she left and said she would come back tomorrow to talk to her. She feels terrible, but I told her it wasn't her fault. She didn't know what happened to Alex, only I do.

"I'm not going to let you go." I would whisper whenever she jolted in my arms when I would shift in the bed, being afraid I would leave her alone.

She would relax after that, soon turning around to face me. She had lifted her hand and traced the features of my face, making my eyes close at the feeling of her touching me. Her hands are soft and small, sending a warm trail wherever they had settled on my skin. Her touch was light as a feather, making my heart slow down in pace. She nestled into my neck then, and when I lifted my hips off the bed to curve my body into hers a little more she stiffened again, arms tightening around me.

"I'm not leaving you, I'm staying right here." I murmured, making sure she knows it's true by wrapping myself up in her, holding her in every which way I could.

She soon fell asleep.



****


Two days later



I could tell something was different about her, she was still the same old Alex, but somehow she wasn't. I don't know if that can make sense, and I can't seem to make sense of it myself. Maybe it's because she won't speak aloud and tell me just what she's thinking and feeling and that's why I can't place what's different about her, but I can just feel it.

She still smiles, her touch still holds that miraculous gentleness and warmth when she touches me. She's laughed, but it doesn't seem to meet her eyes just as much as it used to. She assures me that she's fine, that it just freaked her out and brought back memories. But by the way she acted that day it wasn't just fine. I was scared, so scared that day. I'd never seen Alex that way, that broken and that weak.

So I didn't want to hassle her on it, because I didn't know just how deeply she was scarred from it. I didn't want her to be reminded of it every second from me asking if she's alright and if she wants to 'talk' about it. But maybe she's already reminded of it throughout the day, because maybe she just can't get it out of her mind. But I just don't know. And I wish I did. I wish she'd tell me just what she's feeling.

I had gone to work that next morning after laying in bed with her all day to make up for leaving early to come to her need, and when I'd gotten back that day she'd been in the shower when I entered her apartment. So I lounged around in her living room and when she came from her bedroom with just a towel around her body, my stomach fluttered with butterflies at the sight of her. But then I saw her red rimmed eyes and could swear she'd been crying, but there was also droplets of water cascading down her face from her shower and I couldn't quite tell. But then she had smiled, that smile that I can't tell if it meets her eyes completely, and she'd came over and kissed my lips before going to get dressed.

And today, she'd came over to my empty apartment with me and had watched some movies, her head lying on my shoulder right now, arms wound tightly around my waist, the kind of hold that made me wonder if she was thinking of something that she wanted to disappear from her thoughts, so she squeezes me to hope that will help. But I stayed quiet, because I didn't know exactly what she was thinking about, so I didn't want to mention what had happened to her and make her think about it if she wasn't in the first place. I'm torn.

Completely and utterly torn.



Alex-


Every time I thought about it my heart would beat fast. Every time I thought about it I felt as if I were back in that car, not able to breath and not able to think straight. I just wanted it to go away, I wanted to stop thinking about it completely. And when I was with Harry I sort of did. If I held him tight enough I would stop imagining the crash in my mind, my mother and sisters faces would be replaced by his, as I would stop feeling like I was back in Eleanor's car. It wasn't as bad if he was with me. I didn't want him to worry, and maybe that's why I pretend it's ok, maybe that's why I'm not telling him just what's going on because I don't want him to worry about me. It will soon fade away, the fear. At least I hope it will.

If he kissed me the only thing I could think of was him, when he caressed my skin the only thing I felt was his hands instead of the way my skin pricked with sweat as I sat on the sidewalk trying to breath. I realized that he's the only thing that can keep me straight, really. If I didn't have him right now I wouldn't ever be able to stop thinking and replaying both accidents in my mind. But he's my rock, and when he talks to me I let myself ignore my thoughts and let myself kiss him and listen to his calming voice.

So as I started to feel anxious again, I squeezed his waist tighter and leaned up to kiss him, because it took those thoughts away. He makes my heart flutter with the way he instantly kisses me back with the raw kind of passion that's always held when his lips are on my skin, making me melt into him.

Nothing mattered anymore once I was beneath him, his body warming mine as he kissed my skin and touched my body with affection. I didn't think about anything besides him as he brushed his hand across my skin and smoothed my hair around my face as he molded his lips around mine, his tongue meshing with mine in such a way that it made my hands shake as they ran through his hair.

"I love you." He pecks my lips before trailing down to kiss my collar bones, sighs leaving my lips as he licked over them slowly, doing the same to my neck before blowing onto the skin, making me shudder beneath him.

The second time we had sex about a week ago, it didn't hurt nearly as bad as the first time. He held me tight and secured me in his toned arms as he rocked his hips into mine, clammy bodies working together as he moaned against my neck, mumbling I love you's against my skin as I kissed him all over to try and show him my love for him.

I knew that this time it would be even better, because the more we do this the more accustomed and comfortable I will become to him. And I needed him. I needed him to make me feel good, I needed him to make me feel something. Because when he's gone I feel nothing.



Harry-


I knew what she wanted to do just by the way she kissed me passionately. She acted as if she was craving for it, and that made me more than willing. The look in her eyes made me bulge in my boxers, and as she peeled my shirt off my chest it made me think that maybe she is okay. That maybe I'm just paranoid that there is something wrong with her. That maybe she isn't that upset or sad about it, but it still didn't keep me from worrying about the possibilities of it still being true.

I kiss the now revealed flesh of her stomach, unbuttoning her jeans as she sighed underneath me. She eagerly pulled them off of her legs, making me smirk against the skin of her neck. She's begun to be so comfortable with intimacy lately, but still so innocent in a seemed to be impossible way.

"You want me to make love to you?" I murmur into her ear, the way she nods her head, her nails inching their way across my shoulders sending me to tug my boxers down.

She stripped me down with eager hands, and soon enough I had her panting and moaning beneath me in a way I've only ever done. The way that only I can do, and nobody else. I knew she was holding back her wanted screams as I drove my hips into hers over and over again in the fastest way I've ever done. I knew I still couldn't go too fast, but it was faster then we've done before. I didn't want her to hold back, we were alone and I wanted to hear her moan and scream.

"Don't hold it in, baby." I practically pant into her neck, lifting my head to rest my clammy forehead against hers.

"Let me hear how I make you feel."

At my words her nails dug into the flesh on my back, knowing her toes are curled as I thrust into her again and again, her body rocking beneath mine as she moans aloud.

As a result of one particular deep thrust a slight scream escapes her throat, the sound of it making me growl from the back of my throat. I was determined to hear the sound again, pushing in at the angle I had done before. She screams the loudest she's ever done, arms wrapping around me tightly, making me lay a heavy kiss onto her swollen lips as I confessed my love for her over and over again.



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