Heartbeat

Truth; Fights

Song of the chapter-


Little me by Little Mix

&

If You Leave by Orchestral Manoeuvers In The Dark




Alex-



Harry and I had spent the next day decorating for their annual Christmas Eve party with his sister and mother. It was nice to spend more time with them, nice to see that Anne is maybe even warming up to me. When she asks Gemma to help her with something, she asks me as well. When before, she'd only seek her daughters help.

Today Harry joked around saying that they are starting to like me better then him. But before we started decorating, Anne wanted to clean the house first. We offered to help with that also, and Harry and I got the dusting duties. While we did just that in the dining room, I dusted the piano. I could feel Harrys eyes on me as I did so, but I didn't mind. I was used to the feeling of that by now, as odd at that sounds. Instead I got all signs of dust off it, admiring it maybe just a little, and then moved on. I could tell Harry wanted to say something, but he didn't. Instead, he had shook his feather duster over my head, making me scowl at him as I hit my own against his chest, leaving the evidence of dust on his black t-shirt. He'd then kissed me, but I didn't let it last long, because I'd rather Gemma not see us with our tongues in each others mouths again.

Now Anne cooks in the kitchen to make dinner for us all, and I find it comforting to know she cooks homemade meals. I don't recall ever seeing my own mother in the kitchen, but I remember that my sister loved to bake. And as if Gemma could hear my thoughts, she brings up Chelsea again. Harrys eyes flick to mine to see if I'm alright, and I am. Maybe it's the thought of knowing I'm close to someone who has memories of my sister too, or maybe to even just hear about her in the open instead of in my thoughts; but I feel fine.

It's when I see another look in Harrys eyes, that I wasn't sure of the answer. He wants to tell them my relation to Chelsea. I didn't freak about it as soon as I had read it in his eyes, so I assumed maybe it was okay if they knew. My heartbeat was steady, my hands weren't clammy, and there was even a small smile on my face as I hear Gemma speaking of her. I reach out and squeeze Harrys hand to assure him it's okay if he tells them.

"Hey Gem, you know what's crazy?"

Her green eyes shoot up to him as she asks him what, waiting for his answer.

"Chelsea was actually Alex's sister." He smiles, glancing down to me.

"Are you serious?" She asks excitedly, surprised.

I nod my head, and it's hard to not pay attention to the grin on my lips.

"What a small world!" She exclaims.

"That means I know your mother then." Anne speaks from the stove.

"How is she by the way?" She asks. I shudder. Doesn't she know she passed away with my sister?

"She passed too." I find myself speaking aloud.

The surprise in their eyes was hard to go un-noticed, and they glanced to Harry as if this was a new thing. But he just smiles, so they don't make a big deal of it.

"Oh, that's terrible. I must have forgotten, or maybe only heard of Chelsea's passing." Her voice is sympathetic, and it makes me feel warm and comforted, and in the spotlight all at once.

That conversation soon slipped away, and I was surprised to find it was nice for them to know something more about me other than I am Harrys girlfriend and that I do not talk much.

"These potatoes probably have an hour more to go in the oven." Anne informs us.

Gemma informs us that she's going to go meet up with Jeremy for coffee to pass time, and she receives an eye roll from Harry as she passes.

"I thought only big brothers were supposed to be protective, damn." Gemma shouts to Harry as she goes upstairs.

"Language Gemma!" Anne calls out, not angry, but just knowing she should say it because she is her mother.

"Why don't you two go outside? You could show her the lake Harry." Anne smiles.

Before I know it we are in our coats and out in the cold weather, scarfs, beanies and gloves covering our sensitive skin from the harsh wind that whips and swirls around us. With Harrys mittened fingers interlocked with mine, I didn't mind it that much, though.

Our feet crunch the very thin layer of snow beneath our feet from yesterday's snow fall, joining the sound of the wind and adding to the effect of Harry and I's breaths coming out in white puffs in front of us.

"I've always liked living here, because it gets so cold. I could never live somewhere where it never snowed or didn't rain much." Harry tells me.

I agree with him completely, because winter is my favorite season of all. Not just because Christmas is in that time, but because the snow and rain brings joy to me.

"I used to fish here with my dad when I was little." Harrys arm extends to point to the lake which I hadn't noticed we had arrived at.

It's much like the one at home, but without a dock. As we walk towards it, Harry begins to speak again.

"I'm glad they've grown to like you. They've never liked girlfriends of mine before, which was only one other when I was like, sixteen." Harry chuckles.

I link arms with him, seeking his warmth. This town is beautiful. The green tress covered by snow, the sky grey.

"I'm worried about everyone else though that will be at the party, because I feel like they are just going to judge you like my mom did in the beginning because your different."

I stop walking, losing stride with Harry. He turns once he notices my absence after a few seconds.

"What?"

"Different?" My eyebrows pull together as I repeat his words.

"You know what I mean Alex." He chuckles softly.

There it is again, just as he had done in the driveway, not taking my anger seriously. As if I'm just a little kid that will get over it soon enough, not a big deal. But I wanted to ask, what
exactly do you mean?

"Don't be upset, you know I didn't mean it that way." He laughs.

But he did. I know he was referring to my not speaking, and I don't know why it bugged me that he did. That he said I was different.

And not the good kind of different. I feel as if he's placing one of my flaws out in the open, something some other girls don't have to struggle with at all.

"Alex-"

"You're treating me like a child again." I burst out, shocking myself by the irritation laced in my words.

"How?" He exasperates.

"You're laughing!" I exclaim.

I can see the shock in his eyes. He hasn't heard me talk to him like this before, but I can't help it. We've never had a huge fight, really.

"Alex, you know what I meant by saying you're different! They won't be used to it like I am."

"You're saying they won't accept me, because I'm different." The last word comes out harsh

I want to scream, how is that supposed to sound to me? When you're pointing out one of my most insecure problems, with my fear of meeting your family?

I just felt like shouting and yelling at him, because he's never hurt my feelings like this. It's not like he crushed them to pieces, but his words stung. I knew that screaming at him wouldn't help, and that I'm fuming like this because we've never had a fight like this before, to where I'm actually irritated at him; so I don't know how to handle this.

Because they say talking it out is what works. But is that in my favor?

So, I just turn around and begin to stomp away from him like a child. And I felt like a hypocrite, because I said I didn't want him to treat me like one. But I didn't care and I didn't want to care as I let my irritation carry me away from him just so I could cool off. It surprised me that he didn't follow even though he shouted my name and asked me to come back, but once I got enough distance between us, all I could hear was the wind.


Harry-


It's hard. So damn hard to learn how to handle things with her. And is it wrong to say she's different? Because she is. She's different from any girl I've met, because she has a hard time speaking, unlike any other girl I've met. So was it so wrong to say that?

I stand at the edge of the lake, and wonder if I should've followed after her right away. But I needed to let off my steam before doing that, because I know yelling at her would only make me feel terrible. So after standing out there for maybe ten minutes, I trump back down the road to go to my house. But I found her on the patio behind my house as I approached, sat in a hard metal chair by the unusable fire pit which had broken maybe a few years ago.

I know she's aware of me, but she doesn't bother on looking up to me, so I stand in front of her.

"Say what you want, yell at me or do whatever, but I don't take it back Alex. You're different from anybody I've met. A good different to me, but maybe not to others that don't understand what you've been through."

She looks up to me then, blue eyes lighter than usual.

"You don't understand." She murmurs.

"No! I don't!" I exclaim.

"I can't understand anything if you don't ever speak your fucking mind Alex, or even try and cut me some slack sometimes!"

"Cut you slack?!" She outrages.

"This is all new to me, I don't think you've realized that! Even when I tired to tell you in the driveway the other day."

She has her arms over her chest, her eyes locked on me. After a minute of staring at one another, I near her.

"I'm not saying this to hurt you. But your panic attacks, your nightmares, and with trying to figure out how to read you and communicate with you, it's not what normal boyfriends have to do." I pinch a few strands of her brown hair between my fingers, testing the waters.

"But I know it's a part of you, and I know we can work through it. But I want you to realize this is all hard on me too."

I run my fingers down her neck, hoping to take any pain I caused her with them.

"I don't want to yell anymore."

When she doesn't say anything, I let my affection leave her skin, hand falling to my side. I give her one last look before turning, and walking away without saying anything else.


I just want to talk to my homies real quick who have like pent up anger and stuff, and who have problems with talking about them or expressing feelings to people, because that's how I am. It's just stressful when you don't know how to speak your mind. But I discovered that journaling HELPS. You can write whatever you want and get all your emotions out. Like damn, imma burn mine once I'm done with it haha. But just try it of you are like me, it's helps alot:)