Heartbeat

Explaining; Not Possible

Song of the chapter-

A drop in the ocean by Ron Pope




Harry-



"Alex, you know this isn't what it seems, don't you?"

My hands hold her face securely as I speak this words to her, blue eyes peering up at me behind her bare, long eyelashes. When she shrugs her small shoulders with little effort, my heart drops in my chest.

"Listen-" I begin.

I look around me to see people sitting around the coffee shop, a few people even looking at us. I can't explain here. When I take her hand to start taking her out of the coffee shop with me she stumbles behind me. When I feel her resistance to my actions I turn to see her holding up her hand to tell me to wait. I almost smile in amusement besides my upset mood as I watch her throw her empty coffee cup and half eaten muffin away, shyly taking my hand as I offer it back to her.

It amazes me that even though she might be upset with me, and even though she doesn't know I'm not even guilty of cheating yet, she still will go with me. I missed her like crazy, and when I came home to find her not there, and found out from Eleanor that she was here, I knew something must have happened. Because any other time she would've been right there waiting for me.

Once sat in my cold car, the atmosphere between us is odd. It's never felt like this between us before. It's always easy with her, here in my beat up car. Its alway just laughs and happiness, except the time after the club. I added that memory to the list, so now I add on this one. I don't even know where to begin.

"A few days before we went out to the club when I was at work, a girl from my class approached me and started to talk to me." I begin, her baby blue eyes looking at me from the passengers side of the car, open-mindedly listening to me.

That's something I love about her, she listens. It must be because she's not great at speaking.

"And she just handed me her number, and I just stuck it in the pocket without thinking, I don't know why I didn't throw it away." I tell her.

Her eyes flutter away from me and I can tell something is on her mind, her little jaw clenched. I know she wants to tell me something.

"What is it? You don't believe me?" I ask, the way my voice dropped down to a quiet tone pathetic, really.

"El saw you dancing." Her small voice echoed throughout my car, and it's at times like these when I wish I wouldn't have to hear her speak in this way, sad and defeated, because when she talks, it makes my heart race and it makes me want to smile like a big goofball.

But I can't smile at a time like this, but my heart still beats like crazy.

"At the club?" I realize.

"I was looking for you. I was looking all over the dance floor and all of a sudden she comes from no where and starts dancing up on me."

It's then that I realized how odd this sounds. This is exactly what a cheating boyfriend would say to his girlfriend if he was trying to lie his way out of something.

"I know this sound exactly like a lie but I swear it's not." I groan in frustration, looking over to see her gaze fixed out the windshield.

"Are you upset?" I wonder aloud.

When she shakes her head no, relief floods over my entirety. I can still tell there is something wrong with her.



Alex-


In that moment as I listened to Harry explain everything to me with open ears, I realized something myself. I'm going to have to explain myself as well soon. At the time when I inflicted harm upon myself, I didn't think of him finding them. All I was thinking of was distracting myself from my panic attack. And it had worked.

"Is there something else wrong?" I hear Harry speak from beside me, his voice curious and gentle.

I look over to him and give him a small smile. I take his hand in mine, kissing the top of it while shaking my head, convincing myself to believe that nothing is wrong as well. I'm just glad we worked this out.

But that didn't last very long before he speaks again, "Did you have a panic attack while I was away?"

His voice was hushed and whispered as he asked me this. It hurt to hear how much worry he showed for me.

I try and smile a real smile as I shake my head again, humming a no against the warm skin of his hand. His hand flips around in my own, the front of his hand pressed to the palm of my own as he presses the span of his hand against my cheek, my fingers which rests over his stroking the skin as I lean into his touch.

"Good." I hear him murmur.

And I hoped I'd convinced him.


***


"I know they are going to want me to come visit." Harry speaks, sat beside me on the dock of 'our lake', which he had taken us to so we could just be alone for a while.

He's referring to his mother and sister for Christmas which is just a month away. He's talked about them a little with me, but not much. He says he's not incredibly close to them, something I'm still not fully sure as to why he is not.

"I don't visit them much, even though they only live a town over." He murmurs, dark, jade eyes peering into the water below us.

"Why?" I ask aloud, smiling at the way a grin overtakes his face.

I look away bashfully as he stares at me with a happy shimmer in his eyes.

"I don't know."

I could hear the smile in his comforting voice. "I do miss them though. After my dad died I just didn't try anymore." He tells me honestly.

I know of his fathers death also, which happened a few years before he'd moved away.

"It was hard to go over there, to see my Mum and sister sad. So I just ran away from it I guess, how bad is that?" He murmurs, almost ashamed with himself.

I grab his hand and hold it in mine, watching the way his breath comes out in white puffs, disappearing into the cold, winter air. I feel his fingers squeeze mine and lean to rest against his side, looking out to the water that Harry and I had played in with eachother.

"I want them to meet you." He speaks into my hair.

His arm wraps round my waist and he holds me to him tight. I smile to myself, ignoring the soreness against my thighs as I move myself around, my legs moving to either side of his own to sit on his lap, our jacketed chests touching as I kiss him sweetly. It's kisses like this that I want to cherish forever, the ones that are just to kiss, not to lead into any physical activity. The ones where I can feel his smile against my lips, the ones just like this.

His fingers gently brush against my cheek as he slowly moves his lips against mine, my chest and fingers that are rested against his jacket warm even though its freezing outside. In this moment I wasn't thinking about any of my problems. I wasn't thinking of what Harry would do if he finds my cuts, I wasn't thinking about the panic attack I'd had in the shower when he wasn't there with me....

I was only thinking of him.

His lips, his hands, the way he hums when he's helping me cook in my small apartment kitchen. The way he looks at me with love in his eyes, how he wants me to meet his mom and sister. How he can make me smile just by looking at me.

How he holds me.

"I love you." He mumbles against our gentle, but long kiss. I know what he wants to hear.

"Love you." I whisper.

"I love you more." Our foreheads are touching as he speaks through a wide smile.

I look down to our chests, eyelashes fluttering as I speak again. It feels so right with him.

"Not possible."

I surprise myself at liking the way it feels to talk to him. I think I like the way he reacts more than anything. He never gets used to it. It makes me happy to see him this way, smiling like a child with a genuine sparkle to his green eyes.

Sometimes he strikes me as something unbelievable.

He's beautiful, really.

"It is, and I keep thinking its not possible for you to get more beautiful, but I keep getting proved wrong." He compliments me.

Our foreheads disconnect as I roll my eyes, my hands trailing over his jacket collar until I reach the sides of his face, my hands touching the skin of his cheeks.

"You don't know how pretty you are." He informs me.

I shake my head in disbelief of his words, making him chuckle.

"But that's something I love about you."

All of my fingers run through his hair and I hold back a giggle at the way his eyes slip closed at the action. It still amazes me at how much he likes my fingers being ran through his hair. His arms wrap around me tighter, my face burying into his neck as he hugs me. I feel his chin rest atop my head as we hold each-other in a quiet, peaceful silence.

The only sound is the water splashing around the wooden dock, and our breathing. His chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm against me, his skin warm and his hands pressing into my back to hold me to him as closely as possible.

I began to wonder what I would've done if I had never met him. Would I even be happy?

Because I can remember how unsatisfied I was with my life.

But now it feels complete, and I'm absolutely sure it's all because of him.



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