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damnatio memoriae

Damnatio Memoriae – chapter ninety one

stiles

I opened my eyes, letting out a sigh as I realized I was in the unconformable chair. It was 2 in the morning and I frowned when I noticed that my dad wasn't in the bed and the door was open. I left the room and got on the elevator, pressing B and waiting for the doors to open. I walked towards the morgue and I found my dad standing next to a covered body. Donovan's body. I gulped opened the door, entering and he looked at me.

"The story Theo told me about the library."

"That's how it happened." I whispered.

"Expect it didn't happen to him." He said and I nodded. "Stiles, I can't protect you if I don't know the truth. Did you really feel like you couldn't tell me?"

"I couldn't tell anyone." I said, looking down.

"Did you think that I wouldn't believe that it was self-defense?" He asked.

"What if it wasn't? What if I told you I wanted him dead?" I asked.

"I'd believe you. I also believe that wanting someone dead and murdering them are two very different things." My dad said.

"Yeah, but what if the judge didn't think so?"

"Then to hell with the judge. Stiles, it was self-defense, and I would destroy every shred of evidence to protect you if I had to. I would burn the whole sheriff's station to the ground." He said.

I helped him to push the stretcher back and we looked at each other.

"What about upholding the law? What about Kira?" I asked him.

"Kira was a mistake. I guess I'm learning how to bend."

"And Cassie? She doesn't have control of anything now."

"Like I said, she's my daughter, I'd to the same for her." He said.

I blinked. "So, what, it just goes away?"

"Not for you." He shook his head and I felt my heart beating faster. "The problem now is how to bear this burden. This kind of thing is not at all uncommon in law enforcement. A fatal mistake. A partner who dies. Or one who gets paralyzed. Stiles, you carry that with you. Sometimes it doesn't truly feel okay again until there's a kind of counterbalance."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like instead of taking a life, you manage to save one. Something like that can help, but maybe only for a moment. But the real conflict you're having now is between your head and your heart. Your head. You head knows that the only crime you committed was surviving. But your heart? Your heart still thinks it was murder. So I guess you, uh... You gotta get your heart to catch up to your head." He told me.

I sighed. "I feel like it's more than guilt though, you know, I feel like, um..." I wiped a tear that almost rolled down my cheek. "I feel like I lost something. You know, I feel like I can't get it back."

The silence was between us for a moment when my dad looked up.

"You won't. Not entirely. But you get a little bit by forgiving yourself. And since that's not always the easiest thing in the world to do, then maybe you start by forgiving someone else." He looked at me. "Someone who probably really needs it."

"Someone like Scott."

My heart warmed up when my dad pulled me into a tight hug.

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