Masterpiece {h.s}

8. Pancakes & Broken Bottle

The next morning, although I went to bed a bit late last night, I was up quite early. Yesterday’s conversation with Harry had lifted my spirit a little but I kept thinking that it was strange how a guy that I met only three days ago was more present that my so called friends that I knew since I was in middle school. I had mixed feelings about it.

Not only with Daisy, but also with all my past friends, I had learned that people never stick around. Most of the time, they would find new interests, new friends to hang out with and they would get bored with me. Or in Daisy’s case, die. Although they might all say that they are different, that they will always be there for you, they won’t. Harry’s no different, he’ll see one day that I am too broken to pick up the pieces and he’ll leave, like they all did.

When some my friends left, Daisy was there, I had my paintings to occupy me on weekends and a few more friends. When Daisy left, my passion for art faded a little and the friends that I had left didn’t know what to do with me and thought that leaving was the best solution for us all.

That’s when I felt truly alone. Of course, it hurts at first but it was such a persistent pain that I got used to it. I came to a point where I didn’t care that I was alone. Loneliness had become my friend and some sort of shield to any other possible pain. I couldn’t get hurt when I was alone.

But now Harry had changed all that, he somehow made me care for him and I’ve let him care for me. It shouldn’t be this way. Yesterday’s situation with my mom was a perfect example. It wasn’t the first time that she had said something like that, but it didn’t use to affect me. Yesterday it did. The only difference between then and before was that I let Harry in.

He made me weak; he made me believe that people could care about me. But now I realize that it’s not the case and I’ve had enough. I don’t want to feel pain anymore.

My phone buzzed on my nightstand, I reached for it. Harry had sent me a new text message.

*Good morning! I hope you’ll have a good day :) xx *

It wasn’t too late to push him out of my life. If I had to do it, it had to be now before I got too attached to him. Before both of us get hurt.

*Don’t text me anymore * I sent.

My heart tightened. I could easily imagine his face when he would read my text. His brow would furrow, creating that little crease between them. His eyes would lose the warmth I liked, and his features would show that he was hurt. He was so bad at hiding his emotion, or maybe he just never put a wall between us.

I put down my phone on my bed as it started ringing, Harry’s name flashing on my screen. I didn’t want to answer; I knew that if I did, he would convince me that I was wrong. He would tell me one of his stupid jokes and make me laugh. He would chase away the clouds again and I would fall for it. Because being happy is an amazing feeling that you can’t get enough of, like a drug. But these small moments of happiness only made the moments of sadness seem worse. Because I knew there was something that made me feel alive and I craved it more every time I would get a hint of it.

The ringing stopped for a second. For a little while it didn’t ring again and I thought he had already given up. I thought that it had been easy and almost congratulated myself for seeing it coming.
But the buzzing started again. He had sent me another text.

*Why? Is there something wrong? *
Followed by another, *I’m calling you, please answer*

Just like he said, he called again and I ignored it again. I took out my notebook and teared out every page that I drew two nights ago. They were sketches of him, his eyes, his hair, anything that I remembered from him was on these few pieces of paper. I tore them in two. As I realized what I had done, I dropped the paper on the floor as if it had burned me. Without realizing it, tears started to fall down my face. Out of frustration or sadness? Maybe both. I stared at the pieces of paper. They were the first sketches I’d done in months, what if they were the last one I’d ever do? I weakly kicked them under my bed to get them out of my sight.

My phone kept ringing and just like yesterday it got on my nerve.

*Stop calling me. Please. * I sent before closing my phone.

Slowly, I made my way down to the kitchen. I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee, preparing myself for the day to come.
So many things were happening right now, but the main question was : what am I going to do with New York now? I can’t back down, I promised Meghan I would try, but I knew what breaking the news to my mom would do.

Just as I finished my cup, my mother entered the kitchen dragging her feet. She walked past me to grab herself a cup of coffee too.

“Morning.” I greeted her.
“Morning.” she mumbled back.

She was clearly hangover, not that it was surprising or anything.

The whole situation was odd. I felt as if I was the concerned mother and she was the troubled teenager.  I desperately wanted to help her but I didn’t know what to do with her. I tried to help, but every time I mentioned her alcohol problem, things would be even worse.
I always had to walk delicately around the subject before saying what was truly on my mind.

She rumbled through the fridge, trying to find something to eat.

“Do you want me to make something? I could make pancakes?” I asked. I knew she loved pancakes and hoped that it would make things a little bit better.

She looked at me and nodded. I gave her a small smile.

“Alright, go take a shower and when you’ll be done, they should be ready.”

I grabbed everything I needed and started to prepare the pancakes. I flipped the last pancake just as my mom walked in. She took out some plates and set the table. We sat at the table and ate in silence.

“Is it good?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I smiled. “Meg says hi.”
“Mhm.” she mumbled back.

I looked at her a little and it surprised me how I barely recognized my own mother. Her eyes had dark circles under them, her lips were chapped and her face had barely any color. She used to be full of life and it saddened me that it was not the case anymore.

“You should call her, she’d like to hear from you.” I told her. Maybe Meghan could get some sense into her.
“Yeah.”

She kept eating, while I kept looking at her.

“New York was fun.” I said after a while. “Meghan’s exposition was a success, there were articles about her and everything.”
“Good for her.” she answered with no emotion.

My hands became moist as I started to stress about the scholarship.

“N.Y.S.A. offered me a scholarship.” I said it so fast that I wasn’t sure that she heard me, but as her fork hit her plate I knew she did.
“Oh.” was all she said.
“Yeah.” I awkwardly answered. “I want to go.” I did, even if I was reluctant at first, my conversation with Meg yesterday motivated me.
“Anna.” she sighed. “You know what I think about it.”
“Meghan is living off her art, I’m going to study in one of the most prestigious art school. I can make it mom.” I tried to convince her.
“Meghan got lucky, that’s all.”
“No, Meghan was passionate and talented.” I snapped.

It was always the same thing. Whenever we talked about my future, she would try to change my mind, claiming that being an artist wasn’t a profession. Of course, she would much rather see me become a doctor.
Every time we would end up fighting about it.

“Well, don’t count on me to pay for anything.” she scoffed.
“You won’t have to, I just told you,  N.Y.S.A. is giving me a scholarship and I’ll live with Meghan, so it won’t cost you anything.” I reminded her.
“Anna, the answer is no.”
“Mom!”
“Don’t argue with me, Anna. I’m not in the mood.”
“Of course you’re not in the mood, you’re fucking hangover. I don’t get why you’re not jumping with joy right now at the idea that I would finally leave you alone. You said it yourself yesterday, me being here is not enough.” I raged. All my frustration, all my pain was pouring out and I couldn’t stop it.
“Don’t talk to me that way!” she angrily said.

By this point we were both off our seat, facing each other, inches away from jumping at each other’s throat.

“I’m going.” I said through gritted teeth. “You won’t change my mind.”

Her features changed. “So you want to leave? Leave me alone?” she looked at me with glossy eyes. I knew she was trying to guilt trip me, but it worked anyway. Through it all, I knew that she was truly hurting. Just like me, she must be thinking that everyone in her life leaves, my dad, Daisy and now me. I hated myself for hurting her this way when I kept complaining about everyone leaving myself.

“Of course not, Mom. I’m just… I’m working towards my future.” I said, my tone much softer. “You always said you wanted me to do something with my life.”
“Not like this, and you know it.” She sighed. “Why are you being so stubborn?”
“You’re the one being stubborn.” I snapped. “We’ve had this conversation a million times, you know how much I love arts and I want to do this!”
“You never showed interest in school...When did you apply for N.Y.S.A., anyway?”
I looked down. “Daisy made me do it.”

She stayed silent. After a while, I looked up. Her eyes were glossy, as she was about to cry.

“Things have changed, Anna.” she said, her voice shaking.
“I know they have, but I still want to do it. I kind of owe it to her, mom.”
I reached for her hands but she pulled away. “You’ll forget.” Her eyes were sad.
“Of course not, mom.”
“You will, you’ll move to another city and start your life as if nothing happened. I’ll be left alone here and I’ll be the only one remembering her."
“I’m not going to forget about Daisy!  She’s part of me. I think about her every day and every time all I feel is pain. You’re not the only one that is hurting here, mom. I just… I know I have to do this.”
“Sounds to me that you’re running away from your problems.” She said as she turned her head to avoid my gaze.
I stepped back suddenly. “I’m running away from my problems? I’m not the one drinking all day to numb the pain!” I yell at her.

The words left my mouth before I could stop them. I was angry and these kinds of things always happened when I was angry, I would say things that I never meant to say.

My mom tensed up. “Don’t you dare say that again!” she threatened. “I’m looking out for you, you’re the only daughter that I have left and I don’t want you ruining your life. But, here you are again with your plans for the future that make no sense! Why can’t you be more like your sister and aim for an appropriate job!”
“You’re even worse than before! You’re not looking out for me, mom. You want me to be like her, but it’s not happening. She’s dead mom! Daisy is dead! I’m not her and I’ll never be, so get over it!” I yelled as I ran to my room.

I closed my bedroom door and slid down to the floor.
I hated myself for saying such things, but she had never been so rude to me. I could hear my mother rumbling through the alcohol cabinet and I reached for my phone. I opened it again although I don’t know why I did, because I had no one to call anyway.
I wanted to dial Harry’s number and hear his voice. I wanted him to tell me one of his stupid jokes just like yesterday. But I couldn’t.
My phone finally opened and I received all the missed texts I had from Harry.

*Please, Annabelle, answer me*
*What is wrong? Talk to me.*
*Don’t close me off like that and expect me to be okay with it*
*At least give me an explanation, what did I do?*
*Whatever it is, I’m sorry. Please, answer me*

It went on and on. Each text more painful to read than the other, and as I read the last text, my chest tightened.

*This is my last text to you, I’ve sent you plenty already, apologizing and trying to understand, but you haven’t answered. Clearly, you don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know what happened. Yesterday we had fun on the phone and I thought we were okay now. But apparently I was wrong. I’m sorry I bothered you. I won’t contact you again.*

Outside of my bedroom door, I heard my mom calling my name. The alcohol she had just drunk slurred her voice. I didn’t answer her as I put a hand over my mouth to silence my sobs. I heard a bottle crash against the wall and I couldn’t help but compare my heart to that broken bottle.

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Now everyone is hurting... *sigh*
Did you guys like this chapter? I'd love to hear your feedback, so please vote and comment. I'd also like to thank all of you for the positive feedback so far, I love you so much, it hurts. 
I'll try and update Monday, but I really have to study because next week is finals week in uni, so yeah. 

Before I go... 800 reads!!!! BISDJUBHDJSFH I'm so happy guys, you have no idea! When I started this I wasn't even expecting 200, so this is truly amazing to me <3

Again, I love you all.
Karry xx.