i'm not the prettiest flower but i'll do

that's what PTSD is- our body's overreaction to a small response

mood: i don't wanna be sad- simple plan & amsterdam- coldplay

Saturday October 13th, 5:37 pm

It's been a while since he felt this way. It came as a shock and it hit so hard. Images, flashbacks, pain, physical pain, that he couldn't seem to get rid of. After all these years they were all still so fresh and detailed he felt physically sick. Louis didn't know they went away (all thanks to Harry) but in all honesty he wished they never did because maybe the pain he was in now wouldn't be so bad.

He used to have episodes like this all the time where he'd be frozen and stuck in a time where life was just bad. When they'd come back, it didn't matter how hard he tried, they wouldn't go away until he'd fallen asleep and even then he couldn't escape because he'd have nightmares. The images were vivid, too vivid, and the pain was strong. Louis got too emotionally connected to these memories, he spaces out and doesn't realize he cries or contorts or sometimes even scream.

Sometimes he could feel their eyes burning into his flesh and their dry, cracked hands all over his body. He'd hear those repulsive whispers in his ear, giving him goosebumps over every inch of his figure. He still remembered the sound of the belt cracking against his skin and the taste of blood in his mouth from him coughing it up. The sensation of the skin on his back being ripped as nails dragged down the length of it was still fresh. The pain and soreness he'd feel when it was all over still hurt like it just happened yesterday. Along with the taunting voices of his classmates poking fun at him and pushing him around.

Louis didn't think so negatively everyday. In fact, as of late, he'd been keeping his self deprecating thoughts to a minimum but today was just the day everything came flooding back. The moment he woke up the first thing he saw was Rory and ever since then he'd been stuck in this place in his mind that no longer existed but his perception of what's real and what's not was hazy.

There was a unit in psychology one where the class learned that in really traumatic situations the brain either goes through an emotional shutdown, fight or flight, or connection: the polyvagal theory. When you're in a constant dangerous environment your nervous system is going to find it hard to detect safety and your body will always be in defensive mode. Your body will have a lower threshold to react so while being in that state you're going to misread other people's cues hence why Louis isolated himself when he found himself in these situations if he's somewhere that allows it.

Our primal desire to stay alive is more important to our body than our ability to think about staying alive and that's where polyvagal theory comes in. It links the autonomic nervous system to social behavior and emphasizes the importance of the physiological state in behavioral problems and psychiatric disorders— it explains the three different parts of our nervous system and how they respond to stressful situations.

The nervous system is always operating, controlling our body's involuntary functions so we can think about other things like what to eat, what to wear, or the new cute boy across the street for some. But the entire nervous system works alongside the brain and could possibly take over our emotional experience even if we don't want it to.

The three parts of the nervous system that this theory covers are fight or flight, connection, and shutdown. Fight or flight is the sympathetic part of your nervous system that's reacts immediately to stress. It's there as a response to a dangerous situation where we believe we can still survive and choose to either fight it or runaway. Connection is simply your everyday life, meaning you're connected to the world around you and are able to interact with other humans. So your body and emotions feel normal and you're able to carry on with your day without a problem. Shutdown is a part of the parasympathetic nervous system that keeps us frozen to help us survive to either fight or flight again. When the sympathetic nervous system goes through overdrive and you still can't escape the situation you're in, the parasympathetic nervous system takes control. Think of it like someone passing out due to high stress— it gives the body time to recover.