Ready to run

I forgive you, Alexander.

Good Morning! It's been hot here the past three days but today it's pretty windy and cold outside. I guess I'll use this day to write! :) I hope you're all doing fine! 🧚🏻‍♀️
__________________________

Magnus POV

I just got out of the shower and sat on my bed. I rubbed my hair dry with the towel as I stared into the void. The shower felt good. It refreshed me a little and cleared my head because my head was full. I thought a lot and spoke very little.

I slept most of the time. I think this gas made me very tired. So tired that I slept very long. Meanwhile, I feel better again. It's been four days. The others mourn, especially Elliott.

I'm sure Alec and Blake are also grieving. Blake liked Nick, I knew that. Alec didn't like Nick, but he was part of the gang for a few years and they weren't always arguing. I also grieved.

I loved Nick. Maybe not the way I loved Alec, but I loved him as a friend. He was always there for me when I needed him. He was the first to stand by me. He wanted to kill me, but I think he really just wanted to feel again. I didn't want to imagine what it's like to feel nothing. I guess I'd rather be hurt than not feel at all.

I kept getting flashbacks of how he lay lifeless on the floor. I can't remember everything. I think at some point my brain just turned off to protect me. I felt so terrible afterwards. As if it were all my fault, but it wasn't. I know that blaming myself for this is not a good idea. Not even Elliott blamed me. I'm not sure about Blake. He always looked at me negatively. More than normal.

Blake and Alec took care of Nick. Elliott couldn't and I understood that. As far as I know, they removed all traces that could be traced back to me or the others and made it look like suicide. Well, it was. It has also been on the news, but I have not listened to it. I just couldn't. I just keep thinking about his parents. Imagine you haven't seen your kid for years and now you find out he killed himself.

"Magnus?" Alec's voice ripped me out of my thoughts. I lost myself in my thoughts so often. I looked at him and he gave me a little smile. He came to me.

I was no longer angry with Alec. I was still a little disappointed, and we haven't really talked about it yet, but after he's been with me for the past few days, I couldn't be angry with him anymore. He had saved me again.

"How are you?" he asked and sat down next to me. He often asked me that and I thought that was cute.

"Better." I replied and he nodded. "And you?" I asked. He had looked after the others a lot in the past few days, but not after himself. He took care of Elliott, Blake, me and even Celine. Only he had no one. I wanted to be there for him too.

"I'm fine, don't worry." he said. I looked at him skeptically, whereupon he sighed. "No, honestly. Sure, it's not that easy, all this with Nick, but I can handle it. I was always prepared for something like that." he said. I couldn't do that. It must be bad to be afraid to die, or one of your friends all the time. „Did he hurt you?" he asked. We hadn't really talked about what happened.

"No, he didn't." I admitted. I mean, he tied me up or grabbed me, but he didn't slap me. "He was mentally ill, Alec." I admitted. He frowned and turned to face me. "He was emotionally cold. He told me that." I explained. Alec seemed very surprised. Apparently no one knew that about him.

"Nick? You mean he didn't feel anything?" he asked and I nodded. "Nick wasn't like that." he said.

"I thought so too, but I've already read something about it." I explained. "These people can feel, but only in rare cases and if, then only a little. They learn how to behave in certain situations so that they can fit in." I let him know. He looked at me in confusion.

"But what does that have to do with you?" asked he. "Why did he want to kill you, and why did he kill himself?" he asked confused.

"Nick was in love with me. He didn't know what love felt like, but he felt a little." he said. "And when you and I got closer again, it must have cracked in his head somehow. He said if he couldn't have me, nobody could." I explained. Alec sighed. "And he shot himself so that he didn't have to see me die." I added. Alec took my hand.

"I'm sorry you had to watch this." he explained. I just nodded. "I'm so sorry for everything." he said.

"Do you mean because you lied to me from the start?" I asked. He nodded. "Why didn't you tell me the truth right away?" I asked.

"I was scared. I wanted to tell you, especially when I wanted you to think I didn't love you, but I couldn't do it." he said. I frowned. "And-"

"Wait, you did love me?" I asked. He seemed quite surprised about my question. I love Alec, but I never said it out loud in front of him. Neither did he.

"Of course I love you, Magnus." he said. "And that's exactly why I stopped. The plan would have actually continued, but I stopped because I hated myself for it." he explained to me. "And I know it was stupid to sleep with you. I didn't want to let it get that far, but I wanted you and I don't regret it because I never felt anything like that." he said. I looked deep into his eyes.

"You're such an idiot." I said and he nodded.

"Yes, I am, but an idiot who loves you, Magnus Bane. More than anyone else in the world." he said. "And I understand if you-" I interrupted him by putting my lips on his. He sighed in surprise, but returned the kiss.

I put my hands on his cheeks to pull him closer to me. I forgave Alec. I believe that he is sorry and I believe him when he says that he loves me because God, I loved him too. So much that it almost killed me. Everybody makes mistakes. Some more, some less. You forgive the people you love. That's what we do.

Also, I don't want to waste the rest of my time with him on unnecessary arguments. I want to make the best of it. I loosened my lips and smiled at him. He smiled too.

"I forgive you, Alexander." I said and he took a deep breath. "And I love you too." I added.