[Casey's POV]
We've all seen Tarzan – the orphaned child raised by apes who spends his whole childhood thinking he's an ape only to discover that he's a man. As the movie unfolds we watch him suffer loss, rejection, fear, friendship, hope and love. Through his ups and downs we feel the tension of being caught between a world in which you do not fit but feel you belong and a world in which you do belong but don't fit.
Abandonment, rejection, hopelessness and helplessness are profound voices in the minds of children who've suffered trauma and loss. These are the echoes in their minds that form their identity. During the very critical years when a child should feel the most protected, loved and nurtured these children experience overwhelming loss and upheaval. Instability breeds uncertainty which develops into deep-seated anxiety and fear.
It's from a place of anxiety and fear that children from hard places often enter their lives. With messages of hopelessness echoing in our minds.
Can you imagine feeling like no one cares about you? Like a throw away?
I can do that, I've felt that multiple times without even putting so much thoughts to it. A child should never feel like that.
We all need to feel like there are people in our lives who love and adore us. Parents should be those people for their children. Regardless of behaviors, regardless of past issues, regardless of current struggles.
It won't matter how perfect my behavior is, never in my whole life I've been praised for doing something good.
All the group homes and foster care homes have all been the same, the same people the same aggression. And of course the ignorance.
Whenever I've been placed in another home that has their biological children living at home it's like I'm not even there, like I'm a ghost just helping around the house but no one notices it.
I'm tired of feeling like that, ignored.
Social anxiety disorder (also called social phobia) is a mental health condition. It is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear can affect work, school, and your other day-to-day activities. It can even make it hard to make and keep friends.
That's what it will say if you look up what social anxiety is, but what they don't mention is the stress you feel whenever you have to go outside.
The anxiety boiling up when your ordering food at a restaurant, fear of being judged by your friends or strangers. Constant fear of being laughed at our talked about behind your back. The fear of looking someone in the eye when talking to them, your scared to pass someone in the hallways in school.
It makes me tired and every other person that suffers from it.
I think the first time I experienced something like social anxiety was that time when my foster mother humiliated me in front of the restaurant, I had earlier told her about being a little anxious while being outside around people I did not know or recognize.
Once it was our turn to order food she told the waitress loud and clear 'she can't order for herself, probably too lazy'. Then she proceeded with saying 'Perhaps if you can't order for yourself your not worthy of your food'.
She made everyone's attention turn towards me, which of course led me to become even more anxious and embarrassed.
School is my escape, a lot of teenagers hate school because they have to get up early every morning and do the school work. For me it's a freedom to leave early every morning and be in school all day for as long as I can, I even take extra classes in school so I don't have to go home. Friends isn't really my thing, I don't think I've ever had a friend but it's okay I'm okay with being alone too. I have music too as an escape from real life, just putting in my headphones turning up the volume so the only thing I hear is my music is amazing. I don't have to hear the foster parents fighting or judging constantly.
I'm allowed to have my headphones in English Art and biology class, the teacher is extremely nice to me.
I think she can tell by how I act that I'm not like every other teenager so she just let me sit in the back of the class listening to music. Sometimes she ask me how I'm holding up and so on but I say I'm okay.
"Quite the daydreaming Casey, get to work" Tom said.
"What do you want me to do?" I questioned as I stood up from my bed.
"I told you earlier today, why aren't you listening" He raised his voice.
"I'm sorry, I'll do better next time" I said.
"Clean the kitchen Living-room and both of the bathrooms, their is laundry and then clean my bedroom" he stated.
"I'll get to work" I said.
Starting with the kitchen, I did all the dishes then wiped the counters clean. Moving on to the living room I vacuumed the floor then dusted of the table, folded the blankets then put them on the couch.
I gathered all the laundry from Tom's and Karen's bedroom then grabbed Ben's laundry too.
Ben is their biological son, the perfect child.
After I cleaned their bedroom I started cleaning the bathrooms.
I lifted the candles then wiped the counter of, as I put the candle down on the counter again it slipped down on the floor. The glass shattered all over the floor, I winced in pain as I accidentally stepped on a piece of glass.
"What the fuck is that noise from!?" Karen yelled.
"I-It slipped down from the counter" I explained as she saw the mess on the floor.
"Your lying, you did it on purpose. Spoiled brat!" She said angrily.
"No I promise I didn't do it on purpose, I'm really sorry" I said.
"Quite the whining, get to work and clean this up"
"You will sleep in the basement tonight, I can't stand to see you right now" she added.
I cleaned up the glass then grabbed my pillow from my bedroom which only was a bed in a empty room.
Making my way down to the cold basement without any windows or heat. I curled up on the floor silently hoping that no one would come down here.
A/N
I have some ideas for this new story, if you have anything in particular you would like to see just let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Hope you have a great day!!
