Chaoskouji

SS - Kushida 1

I know exactly who Ayanokouji Kiyotaka is.

As I left his room, there was only one thought in my mind.

"I hate Ayanokouji Kiyotaka"

Never before had I felt this kind of hated towards someone. Despite all I had suffered in middle school, despite all the danger Horikita posed to my life here, I had never hated anyone as much as him.

Ayanokouji Kiyotaka was the devil. He was evil incarnate, and he had complete control over me.

There was nothing I could do. No way to escape. I had been forced to bend to his very will, to serve him like a fucking pet!

When he called me to his room, and made me vent to him, I had never felt so disgusted. To spill my secrets to another person, to let someone know who I was, it went against every fibre of my instinct.

To make me sit there, and confess what I thought of others, something I did everything I could to keep to myself, was just wrong.

And I hate him for it.

Before this, I had focused on Horikita. I would get her expelled and finally be able to not worry anymore. To live the life I should have had in middle school, the cutest and most loved out of everyone.

But now she was a fleeting thought in my mind, not even worth considering compared to Ayanokouji.

Of course, I would still take chances to get her out, but she wasn't a threat even close to him.

A genius, a psychopath, someone who could plan out a situation so meticulously weeks in advance like he did with those tests, like he did with Sudou's score. To predict the actions of other people with such accuracy, there was no way to fight against him.

The only problem was, I didn't hate him enough.

Despite everything he had done to me, despite how he used me without seeming to care for me, the fact was I should hate him far more than I do.

Because he met his promise. He made the class love me. He dragged Horikita further down, and raised me up even more, thanks to his plan with the tests. He promised he would make me the center of the class, the queen of the grade, and so far, he has been living up to that.

It was infuriating. He helped me, while using me. I couldn't understand the contradiction. He had absolute power over me, yet he still was kind? Kind may be the wrong word, but he sided with me. And that was the problem.

How can you hate someone who helps you?

I had resolved this contradiction of course. Ayanokouji wasn't helping me. It was in his best interests for me to work with him, so he pretended to care. But I'm sure he didn't. There was no world in which he actually valued me. The eyes of a man so dark doesn't care about others beyond their worth to him.

If I ever became worthless, he would discard me, abandon me, like a used puppet with its strings cut.

That was the mind of the devil.

It had felt nice, though. To tell someone about my issues. Even if he wasn't really listening or caring, to vent to a human for the first time ever had felt... relaxing. To find validation from someone else was a new experience, and one which I had enjoyed.

I hate that too. To enjoy, to relax, to find it nice to be used. Ayanokouji was a monster. And my mind was fighting against me.

Oh, how nice it would be to trust him, to work with him and have a confidant. It would be amazing.

But of course, that can never happen.

Because I know who He is. I know the devil walks among us, and on a whim could crush anyone He desired.

I hate Ayanokouji, for making me feel this way.

Perhaps I could use Him. It was a risk, to be sure, but He claimed to be invested in my position. He could remove Horikita for me, bring her down and destroy her. I could manipulate Him, into serving my interests, since He wanted to help me in return.

As if. There was no possibility to manipulate a man such as He.

I would try, of course. I would suggest it, change situations to a way where it would be beneficial, but to expect Him to actually help me as absurd.

Ayanokouji Kiyotaka cared for no one.

I could never trust, never relax, never assume anything around Him. He was untouchable, unfathomable.

One day I would bring Him down. One day I would get Him expelled and be free from His control. It wouldn't be easy, to defeat someone like Him, but I would do it, because I must.

He was someone I could never trust yet was forced to trust with my secrets. He was someone I could never understand, yet he explained His plans to me, unfathomable and insane as they were. He was someone I could never hope to defeat, genius as He is, yet I had no choice but to. He was someone who listened and helped me out.

And He was someone I hated, with all my heart.

Authors Note:

Kushida SS. I did my best to figure out what she would be thinking, and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. Kushida is a fascinating character and I can't wait to explore her more in this fic, at least more than she was developed in the LN.

Arc 2 starts next, kinda hype even though its the boring book, I feel like I've done it justice so far, making it interesting enough. As always, enjoy!