Chaoskouji

Arc 6 Chapter 12.5.1 - SS Ichinose 2

Today was awful.

In my life, there's only ever been one person I hated – myself.

Not even my father for leaving, because I don't believe he is worth hating. He made his choice years ago, and I'm not going to spend any energy thinking about him.

I, on the other hand, was a perfectly fair target for my hatred.

Everything I thought, said to myself, I deserved it. I wasn't a good sister, a good daughter. I was a criminal, and that was something I could never let go.

And so I never thought I'd find someone else I could hate. Someone worth the energy, who made me so angry!

And yet, here he was. Ayanokouji. The mystery of our year.

Not even in my worst moments did I hate someone as much as I hated him

It was unthinkable. To image another human so cruel, and yet so indifferent, so lacking in empathy. No that wasn't right either. Ryuuen lacked empathy, but he was cruel enough to enjoy the suffering of others.

Ayanokouji simply didn't care.

It was that indifference, that lack of respect or regard for the consequences of his actions. Nothing mattered to him, as long as he won in the end.

The way he spoke so casually about poor Chihiro, fully prepared to ruin her life to an extent even most bullies would go to. He was smart, so very smart, knowing exactly which pressure points to push for the worst result. He knew just how to crush any hope, how to bring people crumbling down.

His actions, his plans that he used to blackmail me, could have driven Chihiro into a dark place. Even suicide wasn't unthinkable for something like that, for someone as timid as her. Of course, there was no choice but to protect her, just as Ayanokouji knew would be the decision.

And not once, was there a flicker of emotion, any empathy, a consideration for a fellow human being. Not once, did her ever show he cared, regret his actions.

It would have even been better if he got pleasure out of them, like Ryuuen did. At least then I could understand him.

No, there wasn't even a shred of consideration, of humanity in that monster. I thought Ryuuen was being mean with that nickname, but now I see just how true it is.

Ayanokouji isn't a human, he's not like the rest of us. He's a monster wearing human skin. He didn't care at all about the fall out, about how others would suffer. The destruction of Chihiro's life was just a stepping stone, a possible result that didn't matter in any way to him, the only thing that mattered was making the most effective use out of her possible. What a horrid way to think about another human being.

Then there was the guilt.

Because really, this was my fault. I had known back then that the school was a competition. That our classes would be fighting, and that people would fight dirty. We were in the middle of a situation just like that for god's sake!

And I went and invited an enemy to a secret confession from an innocent girl because of my own insecurities.

I was so naïve to think that even that couldn't be weaponised. Everything at this school was a weapon. Ayanokouji had taught me that.

More and more though, I was sure the entire exposure of Komiya and poor Sakura's assault was a setup. Every time I thought back to it, the more it made sense. Of course there was no evidence, someone as meticulous as Ayanokouji wouldn't leave something like that behind, but it was instinct. Because the situation had played out exactly as he wanted it to, working perfectly to save his classmate.