Chaoskouji

Arc 4 Chapter 12.5.3 - SS Karuizawa 1

Had I made the right choice?

That was the question that kept running through my mind.

Did I choose correctly? I had shifted my loyalties, abandoned Hirata for Ayanokouji, and I couldn't tell if that had been the right decision.

For almost four months, Hirata had been my pretend boyfriend. He knew the secret of my past, the thing I was so desperately afraid of; he didn't know about my scar.

He had stood by my side and elevated my standing. It was all that he did, but I was grateful. He kept me safe, kept me protected. When I was on top of the class, there was no way I could be bullied.

No way could I return to that horrid life I had before. I'd do anything to stop that.

Even... even bullying others.

If it kept me on top of the school, then I didn't care.

Besides, it wasn't like it was that bad. Nothing I did was even close to what I went through. It was just some shoves, a tease, talking behind their back. It was nothing. If it meant I was ok, then... then I could get through doing that much.

Things were great. I had friends, for the first time in years. People smiled when they saw me, genuine happiness, not looking down on me like I'm garbage. It was awesome. I was happy again. No longer was I that scared little girl, who was less than everyone else.

Now I mattered. Now I was someone; once again, I was human.

Those bullies had stripped away my humanity, forced me to be someone I wasn't. And then, I escaped. I had a new life here, a good life, free of all that. As long as I stood above everyone, no one could hurt me.

And, like, I didn't want to be mean. I never did anything that bad. I knew just how horrible it could be, and there was never anything that bad. I made sure of it. I don't want people to be hurt like that, just enough for me to be safe.

I don't mind if it's just a little bit.

Ah, if only I could keep telling myself that.

I hated it. I hated being the bitch, the queen of our class, the one always on top, the one who bullied and was never bullied. I hated acting this way, pretending not to care, to be a bad person. I didn't like it at all.

I wanted to go back. Back to who I was before middle school, back to before the bullying, when everything was bright and happy, and I could be kind and friendly.

Back before my scar.

And now, I had to be the very thing I hated most, even just a bit. Just to keep myself safe.

It was all I could do to justify my actions. It was them or me, and that's how I slept at night.

But in the end, it didn't even matter. It all came crumbling down.

It didn't matter that I had worked so hard, acted so well, and been the top bitch in the grade. Even so, there were still people who bullied me.

Yeah, I pushed over their friend in the line. Honestly, I hadn't noticed. If I had I probably would have apologised, albeit later when no one else heard, but I would have. I wasn't trying to be mean.

But they wouldn't give it up.

Manabe and her friends. I could tell the sort of girls they were the instant they talked to me in Rabbit group. If the actually cared about Rika, I would have said sorry straight away. But I've been dealing with them for years.

Those are the kind of girls who bullied me before.

I could tell they didn't care. They didn't give a shit about Rika, and that made me more upset than anything. All they wanted was an excuse to be mean, to bully me instead.