Chat (Prinxiety)

45. the one where they break

A/N Okay hugeeee warning this is a massive angst fest of a chapter.

WARNINGS: mention of past self harm, wanting to die, heaps of crying and they all kinda hate themselves a lot... yeah.

(chapter summary next chap.)

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Prince tried the handle to his room, but found it wouldn't budge. "Anxiety," he called, "are you in there?"

"What do you think?" Anxiety scoffed, unlocking the door and swinging it open. "Now get your butt in here before I really do set fire to your stuff out of boredom."

Prince didn't mention Anxiety's red, puffy eyes and the tear stains on his cheeks yet. He pushed pass, closed the door and gestured for Anxiety to come closer. The darker side did, albeit hesitantly. He had a feeling he knew what was about to happen, so Anxiety looked anywhere but Prince.

"What was that all about?" Prince questioned softly, lifting up Anxiety's chin. "Why did you say that you wanted to...?" He trailed off but Anxiety knew what he asking.

"I-I, uh, it's..." Anxiety's brain short circuited. He knew there was no way he was getting out of this one, but telling the truth... It was almost unthinkable. Especially when he had enough trouble admitting it to himself. Prince didn't say anything, so Anxiety stumbled over his words to continue.

"And look, before you say anything, I know how incredibly stupid it was of me to want to fall in when I knew I couldn't swim and I know that I should've said something and I know you probably hate me but I... I can't help it, alright? I just feel so useless all the time and I swear that I have been feeling better lately now that I have you and everyone else but... I don't see the point in me being here," Anxiety admitted at a whisper, his words rushing out in one breath.

"Anx-"

"Damn it, Prince," he hissed, "please don't say that I shouldn't feel like that because I know. But it's how I am. It's how I've always been. I'm anxiety, nothing more, I am just that. I am the embodiment of negative thoughts and the belief that everyone hates me. It's my own fault that I can't accept anything good and that I think- know that you'd all be better off without me. I mean, seriously. Who's responsible for keeping Thomas back? Who's responsible for shooting down all your ideas? Who's responsible for pushing friends away, for worrying people, for wanting to disappear, for wishing I could just die?" Anxiety shook, realising he had said too much, but he couldn't stop himself from speaking now.

"It's me. It was always me, Prince. By all means, you should hate me. You should despise me. You and Logic shouldn't have cared that I was drowning. Then I might have given Thomas some peace. Then you'd all be... better and happier and-"

Prince didn't let Anxiety finish. He couldn't stand it anymore. He tackled the poor boy into a hug. Roman wasn't ashamed to admit that he was crying, because he was, because Anxiety was, because he should've done something earlier.

"How dare you," he muttered through sobs. "How dare you say that about yourself? You are more than just anxiety. You are more than what you think you resemble. You are more than whatever messed up vision you have of yourself. Anxiety, how could you say that? How could you tell me that I shouldn't care? Do you honestly think you have the right to tell me that? Do you honestly not know how much I- how much we all love you?"

"Don't lie-"

"I'm not lying!" Prince shouted, shocking them both. "I'm not lying. You'd say the exact same thing if this was about me. You did say the same thing. So don't tell me that I'm lying when I'm not. I mean it. You wouldn't let me say those exact things to myself, so why should you?"

"That's because they aren't true for you," Anxiety protested weakly.

"You asked me who keeps Thomas back. Here's something for you: me. I am the reason he daydreamed in school, missed notes, failed classes. I still do that. You asked me who was responsible for shooting down all my ideas. Me. There are so many things that I want to do, say, but I hardly let myself. And before you say anything, it's not because of you. Same with everything else. Even the wishing to die thing. It's not... It's not the first time I've gone into the tenth daydream mode. Why else do you think I exited without a scratch? Not even I could withstand them without practice."

"Prince..." Anxiety looked up at him finally.

"Now tell me, please, what you meant by the decision. What could you have possibly done to make yourself hate the idea of swimming so much? Why?"

And there it was. The question Anxiety had dreaded, had been avoiding. There was no way he could get out of this, not when Prince, his dumb, stupid Princey, was looking so determined despite all the tears. But... Anxiety didn't know how he could say this. How do you tell someone that you purposefully fucked up your body because you couldn't stand the thought of yourself?

"You're going to hate me if I tell." It was the truth. Prince would finally know exactly how messed up he was.

Prince shook his head. "I will not. I promise. I swear on everything that I love, that I will not hate you. No matter what."

Anxiety took a shaky breath and ignored how his heart pounded against his chest. "I... Once, when it got really bad, before you all knew me better, I... did something stupid. And I regret it. A lot. But it's there and it's big and I don't think it'll ever go away." He slipped off his jumper, hiding his burning face, and reached down to the hem of his shirt.

"What...?"

"Just... wait," Anxiety breathed, and he ever so slightly lifted it up. He paused, steadied himself, and took it off. It had struck Prince briefly that this was the first time he's ever seen Anxiety without a shirt but then...

"Oh."

Anxiety quickly wrapped defensive arms around his body, hiding it. "I told you so," he said without a trace of teasing like he usually would. "If you want me to leave, I get it. I'll just-"

Prince pulled Anxiety back towards him. "I don't hate you. I told you that I could never hate you and it's true. What you did... it doesn't define you. You are still more than that. But tell me this, do you still...?"

"No," Anxiety said forcefully. "And I don't want to think about this, so can we please move on?"

The squeaking of hinges cut off Prince's reply.

The door swung open slowly and both he and Prince looked towards it to see Logic, Morality, Pranks and Missy crying. The two children rushed in immediately, pulling the two down to the floor in a giant hug. Morality followed next, dragging Logic by the wrist, and together they squeezed each other tight.

Then they were all breaking down. They were loud and noisy and broken.

Morality was saying that they "should've come to him, should've told him," and Pranks and Missy were apologising over and over for every instance they could think of where they were a little too mean, and Logic... He was mostly silent, thinking how it should've been up to him to realise these things and help them both.

In a way, they were all to blame. And in the same way, none of them were.

Once they calmed down, Morality helped Anxiety into his clothes and Prince and Logic did their best to console the kids who were just so upset that they didn't know, that they couldn't help before.

And then.

They all climbed into Prince's bed, exhausted in all senses of the word. Apologies were flying left and right, breaking them a little more, but they'd get through it. Like always.

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A/N please don't murder me.

Also hiiiii yes I've been missing for the past few days but like, ~mental health~ is a real bitch. And Chat is probably gonna end chapter 50, but there will be somewhat of a sequel, focusing more on logic/morality and/or the kids. There may not be much of a plot to that one, more of random, hopefully funny exchanges.

And this is late but at least I didn't do what I originally planned to do, which was post at the last possible minute. 

Enjoy your day/night, love y'all.