Achieving Unbroken

-Chapter 23-

Achieving Unbroken
Chapter Twenty Three

—

"Let me photograph you in this light,
In case this is the last time that we might
Be exactly like we were, before we realized"
When We Were Young | Adele

—

Jason
[Friday, April 29th, 2017 - 7:08 AM]

"... Well, uh— When you want breakfast, it's outside of your door," Carl's small voice mumbles. "Mom said that Dad helped her. They thought you would like it," he finishes. My heart folds over itself at hearing how afraid and awkward he sounds. I want to talk to him. But my mouth does not even feel like it can form words, getting confused by all of my broken thoughts.

The image of the needle falling from his arm.

How pale he was.

No pulse. No pulse. No pulse.

I could have saved him if I had gotten there sooner.

My breathing becomes painful as my chest cramps, and I let out choked breaths in between fiery tears that race down my face and drip onto my pillow. My hand curls into a fist around the pillow that I'm laying on in a lame attempt to calm myself.

This is Joey's pillow, complete with his blue plaid pillowcase and the soy sauce stain when we ate potstickers in his bed during a Terminator marathon on TV. This blanket is Joey's, too; his baby blanket that Granny Kath knitted for him for his first birthday, that he had to bring with him on his first day of preschool.

I reach out for the Gatorade that Penny left outside of my door last night, the Gatorade that I retrieved at 2:00 AM because there was no way I was going to sleep. It's a lemon-lime flavored one. That is... Was Joey's favorite flavor.

I think Penny did that on purpose. And it makes me oddly grateful. Maybe it's because she put in the thought to bring me that, because Joey literally drank it like water and refused to drink anything else. Maybe it's because she hasn't really pressured me into leaving my room, or talking, and just left a Gatorade, like a sign that she was there for me. Maybe it's because she knew Joey's favorite drink.

Maybe it is all of those things.

When I drink some of it, I wince a little. I always hated the flavor, you know? I was always a Glacier Freeze kid, and Joey would love to just shove the lemon-lime down my throat. It was our thing. One day we got in this huge fight and Dad, Penny and Carl came home to us both drenched in our least favorite Gatorade flavors and a floor wet enough to make a slip 'n slide. Even after showering, we still felt sticky for days.

It feels weird, having all kinds of odd and ignored memories flooding back to me abruptly. I never used to think of this stuff before. But now, with the circumstances... It feels like every experience I've ever had with my little brother has suddenly returned to my mind.

Something else that I have with me is his phone. We have the same phone, so it's sitting on my charger next to my bed, resting face up on my nightstand. It was really low on battery that night. At the hospital, after it was all over, the nurses proceeded to hand me a plastic bag filled with Joey's belongings that he had on him. It was the basic stuff; phone and wallet, phone dangerously low on battery. And that night, as I stumbled back into my room, I had the thought that when Joey comes back he will want to use his phone.