"God your eyes are so beautiful it actually hurts me to look at them because I know at some point I will have to look away," she snaps her attention over to me, which is when I realise I just said that out loud.
*TRIGGER WARNING* - anxiety attacks...
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We were at an area type venue in Sydney, where Billie's show was. There was a couple hours to spare before soundcheck so we just sat around and played n our phones. Billie stands had noticed that I was on tour with her, but they just thought it was a friendly thing, so it was all okay. "How many people are gonna be there tonight?" I asked her, the number of people at her shows always varying so much.
"I'm not exactly sure, but only around a thousand, so it's a small show why?" She put her phone down, so we engaged in a proper conversation. She was very good like that, she always put whatever was happening in the moment before whatever was happening on her phone.
"Well I thought I would try and stand in the crowd, see the show from everyone else's point of view?" I ask
"That would be so awesome, I will make sure you are right at the front, this is so exiting, hand on let me just text mike to tell him," I didn't expect her to care this much, it made me even more exited.
___
Billie went for soundcheck, and mike told me that I had a spot to stand, at the front next to the stage. And I sat in the green room, stuffing my face full of takis, Billie was right they are the best things e v e r. I was a little nervous about standing in the crowd, but I tried not to think about it, hoping that would make it less scary.
As I waited for soundcheck to be over, I listening closely to the faint music and Billie's voice. Listening to her, whilst being amazing also terrified me. I didn't understand why but it gave me butterflies so bad I almost felt physically sick. After a while the music stopped and I washed off the taki crumbs from my hands. "Hey Claudia," I said as she walked in a slumped herself on the couch.
"Hey ror, they sound damn good," she scrolled through Instagram on her phone.
"They are aren't they," we both smiled.
"I'm glad your here, I sometimes used to feel out of place on tour, like I was kind of useless,"
"Good to know, now we can be useless together. That's great," we laughed.
"I'm glad you two are getting along," Finneas said walking into the room, Billie following close behind him.
"Yeah turns out Rory here is pretty interesting," Claudia playfully wiggled her eyebrows.
"Well hands off, she mine," Billie joked, sitting down next to me and me climbing onto her lap.
"Ummm, remember me?" Finneas put his hand on his chest, pretending too act hurt.
"Awe baby," Claudia pouted, standing up wrapping her hands around his neck pull him in for a kiss. Am and Billie watched them, I could tell that it made her sad. The fact that we couldn't show how,fun we car3d for each other to everyone in the world. But I really didn't mind. It was like our little secret (plus family and friends of course!).
"Well it's performance time," Billie said as I hopped off her lap and she and Finneas walked out the room.
"Watch form the floor with me?" I asked Claudia.
"Of course," she smiled playfully (and totally platonically) looping her arm through mine.
We found a security guard who helped us to the middle of the front of the crowd. We talked for a few minutes before the lights went dark and the intro to bad guy started to play. As the songs passed I began to feel slightly claustrophobic, poeple were pushing me around but I just tried to ignore it.
Every now and again Billie would make eye contact with me and I would give her a smile, the best I could. It was when I struggled to breathe that I tugged at Claudias arm. "Hey are you okay," I heard the worry in her voice.
"Um........... I ............. I need......." I struggled to talk, feeling as I had no air to circulate blood. The room started to spin, and my vision became blurry. I felt Claudia grab my arm as my knees buckled, and she lead me through the crowd, pushing past people who were irritated at us, well from what I could tell they were.
We got to the hallway outside the green room and I lent back against the wall sliding down so my knees were against my chest. Claudia knelt down so she was eye level to me me "I'm going to go find Maggie, she will know what to do okay?" I just nodded my head still not being able to talk.
Hot tears streamed down my face, and I buried my head in my knees.
I felt cold plastic brush against my fingers, I looked up to see Billie holding out a water bottle to me. I took the water bottle takings small sips feeling completely embarrassed. I I took a few deep breaths, when I realised I left before the middle of the show. How could she be finished already? I thought.
After a few minutes of heavy breathing, I felt stable enough to talk. "Billie, did you finish the show?" I asked her sternly.
"That doesn't matter," she gave me her hand and helped pull me up off of the floor.
"Billie," I said, upset she would throw away a whole show just because I just had a tiny breakdown.
"I said it doesn't matter, you are what matters," I grabs my hand but I pull it away, and I can tell she is hurt.
"Billie, this is You career, go and finish the show," I wipe the tears off my face.
"No," she furrowed her eyebrows.
"Billie go and finish the show. I don't want you here," I knew I was being cold, but her shows were important.
"Please don't do this," she said tears eyed, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Go away," I screamed, shoving her arm off my shoulder, walking away from the stage and into the toilet. I put my hands on either side of the sink and broke down in tears. I knew what I had just done would fuck things up. But Billie needed to finish this show. It was her job.
