The Preacher's Daughter

Chapter 30

Roseanne's POV

I sat on the bench thinking as I stared at the glowing cross hung up in the wall.

"I lost her."

"I lost her and I feel like I lost her over nothing."

"Dad says "I'll burn in hell" for being with a girl. "God will strike me down"' I shook my head "But I'm still walking around everyday."

"Probably just a metaphor but it made me scared. Who wants to go to hell." I chuckled dryly "If I'm being honest I feel like I'm already there. I- I get beaten for being myself. Which is strange because the last time I checked beating your children was a sin but I guess for him it's an "exception" huh?"

I sighed and tilted my head, frowning. "I lost her. The only thing I've wanted in a long time. All because of what.... my beliefs.

I nodded saying "Okay yes. I did some bad things. Made some bad decisions but I made all of those dumb weird decisions because I wanted her. And now I don't have her at all."

"Was it all worth it? So I could What? Go to heaven?" I scoffed. "I don't even know if it's real. Any of it. God. Jesus. Heaven. Hell. Angels. The devil. Demons. If I'm being honest I don't want to go to heaven if it's filled with people like my father. Judging me for who I want to be with and who am as a person."

I sat up "Answer me this.... if you made everyone "perfect" with "no mistakes", then why am I like this?" I wiped away the hot tears threatening to leave my eyes.

"Huh? If I'm perfect why does my father make me feel like-" I shook my head as my leg started to bounce up and down rapidly, while I nibbled on my bottom lip. "I don't even know why I'm doing this. It's not like anyone's gonna answer me. Talking to someone who is fake." I laughed "I'm talking to myself right now. I don't- I refuse to believe anymore. I'm done."

I looked down at the bench where my bible sat. I grabbed the book covered with black leather, Holt Bible in golden words stick her across the cover. I flipped through the Bible to the page my mother used to read all the time. She even highlighted it and kept a book mark in it. Which I could see considering I had took my mom's bible after she passed away.

I reached around my neck and took off the necklace I've been wearing since middle school. I dangled the necklace in front of me staring at the gold cross pendant.

I rolled my eyes at it and slid the necklace into the book, before closing it. I stood up and walked up to the stage not taking my eyes off the glowing cross.

I bent down and pushed up one of the creaky floorboards. I remember when I was a kid, BangChan and I used to hide our toys in here so none of the other kids would get to them.

I put the floor bored next to me and looked inside the hole seeing two different toys. A Barbie doll and a hot wheels car. The hot wheels toy was mines but when dad would come around we would switch. Even as kids we noticed how he was a sexist asshole.

I put the Bible into the floor and stared at it for a moment before grabbing the floor board, closing the hole again.

I stood up and turned around walking out of the church stopping at the doorway, I looked back one last time before closing the door and walking home.