Tick Tock (Destiel Soulmate AU)

September 5th, 7:20:16 PM

"I do not know the day of the week or the hour of the day. I do not know the measure of time or the rate at which flows past me. I cannot understand the weight of a moment or the duration of a year. All I know; all I can comprehend of the mathematics of a life, are the times your hand is inside my hand, and the times it is not."

Cas let go of the cigarette from between his fingers, and it fell on the floor beneath him. Dean's green eyes flicked from Cas to the cigarette on the floor, then back to Cas. The air was suffocating him, too thick, too heavy, the kind where your tongue felt like sandpaper and no amount of water would suffice. Dean dropped the bag that he was holding and hesitantly strode over to Cas's side, bending down to gingerly pick up the cigarette and sliding down to sit on the couch beside him.

There was a long silence as they both stared at the cigarette, the silence so loud that Cas was tempted to make a stupid racist joke about Kate and how Asians were too smart for their own good to break it.

Dean refused to look at him, glaring at the cigarette, his hands shaking almost as much as Cas's. When he spoke, it was cold and hard, filled with quiet anger.

"It's not a cigarette, is it?"

Cas didn't say anything, just stared at the thing between Dean's fingers.

"It's a joint." Dean stated, not asking this time. He knew. His lip curled back for a second, and Cas reached over to put his hand on Dean's knee, to touch him, to gain that small amount of comfort of physical contact with his soul mate, but Dean flinched at his touch immediately and backed away quickly.

That hurt more than anything.

Dean opened his mouth to say something, anything, but closed his mouth again like a fish. He did that a few more times, deciding what to say.

"I...I never thought...not you. I never thought you, out of all people."

Cas looked over at his soul mate, trying to force him to do the same with his eyes- cause no way was he trying to touch Dean again- but the mechanic just kept his eyes forward, unwavering from the joint. He didn't blink.

"Who else knows?" he asked.

"Just you," Cas replied, his voice shaking a little. He shifted a little in his seat to get more comfortable, fidgeting with his thumbs. The guilt sat on his chest, making it feel tight and all wound up. Cas felt like throwing up.

Dean was showing no emotion, and that scared him more than if Dean had just been plain mad. He was usually the one to get angry quicker than most; His temper was usually an inferno, burning so hot that it couldn't last long.

"When?" He was shaking so hard that Cas was scared he was going to drop the cigarette. Of course, then again, so was Cas.

He cleared his throat before answering. "About a week ago. When I sat down and started writing down everything that had happened."

Dean's voice cracked when he asked the next question, and Cas was kind of relieved because that was the first show of emotion from his soul mate. "Why?"

Cas didn't have an answer for that one. Not really. The guilt crept his way up to his head and fingers, making them pulsate in time to his heart. His head spun and he thought he was going to pass out. Was that possible? To pass out because you were so furious at yourself?

Guess he was going to find out.

"Dean," he croaked out instead, "please look at me." When he didn't, he tried again. "Please."