Something Great.

Chapter 22 - Further and Deeper

miserable at best - mayday parade

the only reason - 5 seconds of summer

same mistakes - one direction

To say me feeling a deep sadness and a heaviness in my heart was an understatement. I listened to those sad songs that made your friends worry about you when you showed them the tune.

I was sad because Liam was gone, and when I realized that's why I was sad, I hated myself because I'm letting a boy get to me. My whole life I thought I'd be that girl that would be independent and if a boy left , I'd be okay, I would feel this constant ache and need because of him. I wouldn't be wallowing in my own sadness, but I guess I'm not that girl, and if I ever was, she is long gone. She was a fool and fell in love with someone who had the exterior of a brick wall.

I haven't even cared about my surgery nearing closer and closer. I didn't care. I wouldn't be in school, I would be under anesthesia, I'd be doing exactly what I've been doing. I'd be away from everyone and too drugged up to feel.

I could feel myself slipping even further every second, I didn't know what to do. I promised myself I would never, EVER turn to self harming, no matter how bad things get, no matter how shitty I feel, that will NEVER be an option.

I didn't try smoking or drinking, because yeah it helps out temporarily I guess but what do you get after the pleasure has passed, more sadness. It's just a temporary fix, I'm trying to aim for a permanent and healthy way, but all I've been accomplishing is sitting on my bed and crying, I can barely get myself out of bed.

I chose to brush it off no matter who would try talk to me about it. I was scared of the reactions, they could either worry about me or judge me because I'm so heartbroken over this boy.

I went to school with red, puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. And this sounds so terrible, but I hope Liam sees. I hope he knows how much this affected me, and he made the wrong choice, but maybe it's what he wanted, I'll never know.

I would just love to take a look in his mind, to see what thinks, does he even love me, did he even love me, at all, was he just using me to get back at Belle. Was everything a lie? Was he forced to leave? Did he love me but he thought I deserved better and didn't know what else to do. What if he hates me? What if he's back with Belle?

I don't know how else to stop the continous and never ending thoughts in my head. I can't let it out to anybody, it's another lonely night, although today is my mom's day at the house, she would rather spend it with her friends, same with my sister, and I'm happy Jen is doing it since I can tell she's trying to move on from her ex.

I know my mom won't be back till late, I could always just call my dad and tell him to come over for a few hours but I don't know what good it'll do, I don't really open up to him, or anyone. I'm content with being alone. 

My guy friend I open up to the most is Niall, and he's a guy so maybe he could shed some light on everything with Liam.

I ask my mom if Niall could come over, she loves Niall since we were best friends for a while, so she accepts, she trusts nothing will happen if we're alone anyway.

I invite him over, knowing once he sees me, he'll immedately take notice of my gross apperance. Greasy, pulled back hair, dirty clothes, no make up.

I quickly take a shower and change into some shorts and a t shirt. Putting on no make up. No he wouldn't care about my appearance so I brush it off. 

I sit on my sofa watching Bob's Burgers, my favorite show, and a hear a knock on my door. I notice something different about Niall when I open the door. His blonde hair is spiked up, teeth free of those braces he had for the longest time. He looks completely different, he looks nice.