Freak (Troyler AU)

Chapter Fourty-Seven

*Tyler's POV*

There was no denying that this afternoon spent with Troye had been one of the best nights of my life. We hadn't really done anything all that exciting, aside from the whole hair dying situation, but the events themselves weren't what made it so special. As horribly cheesy as it sounded, I think it had more to do with the fact I was with Troye than what we were doing.

At first, I'd had no intention at all of coming out to him tonight. In fact, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind once. As far as I was concerned it wasn't a priority and I could do it at any time, right? At least, that's what I thought, until halfway through the twenty questions game. It was actually going really well, both of us were sharing and asking actually valuable questions. Well, aside from the first few warm-up pointless ones. Anyway, things were going great, until he admitted he'd never kissed anyone before. I didn't mean to make such a big deal over it, but how was I not supposed to be that shocked when someone that looked like him hadn't even been kissed once? Even if he wasn't necessarily popular at school, he'd been on trips with his family and such, there had been lots of chances for him to make some sort of connection. Yet he hadn't. It was almost like he went out of his way to go unnoticed, and I couldn't understand why. 

Naturally, he mistook my astounded reaction as ridicule rather than just being shocked. I definitely didn't want that, deciding to tell him he could ask me absolutely anything and I'd be honest. I expected something about my past, maybe even asking about the wetting the bed story, I did not expect what he actually did ask.

"What's your biggest secret that I don't know about?" He blurted, his eyes lighting up with excitement like he was proud of himself for coming up with the question. At first I had to furrow my eyebrows and think about my answer, but when it came to me I had no idea what to do. Obviously my biggest secret is that I'm gay. I may not really try to hide it anymore, but I haven't exactly told him yet either. 

I'd been planning on coming out anyway, he'd provided me with the perfect situation to. All I had to do was take a deep breath and say two words at least. Surely I can do that, it's just two words and I already know Troye is going to accept me, all that's left to do is say it. I can do that. I took a deep breath, opening my mouth to do just that.

"I don't really have any secrets." I felt like clawing my own face off at that point. What the hell was that? Don't have any secrets? That was the biggest lie I'd ever sprouted in my life. I hadn't even meant to say it, it just sort of... happened? I was going to tell him the truth, and I wanted to tell him the truth, I just couldn't. Something just wasn't working right between my thoughts and my mouth.

"None at all? You're lying, there must be something you can think of! Don't worry, I promise not to judge you, no matter what." That was about the time I realized he was actually trying to get a piece of information in particular out of me. He looked so eager and hopeful, staring at me with those big wide eyes, seemingly even bluer than usual in their curiosity. What was it he was expecting me to tell him? He knew, didn't he? If he already knew then why was he so intent on getting me to say it? Whatever, I'll just say it. It's not going to be a big deal, he already freaking knows, what could go wrong?

"I, uh, I just- Troye, I'm not sure what you're expecting me to own-up to right now, but I don't have any big secrets. I'm sorry, I guess I'm just not very interesting." As soon as I said it I wanted to take it back, even biting down on my tongue hard enough to draw blood when I'd shut my mouth. I watched as his cheerful expression immediately vanished, only making me feel even guiltier. What was wrong with me? He's gay himself and probably already knows or strongly suspects that I am too, why can't I just say it?

After that, there was absolutely no getting the idea out of my head. I may have started the night with the notion that coming out could wait, but I definitely didn't see it that way anymore. Every time I glanced over at him all I could think about was that disappointed face when I'd insisted I didn't have a secret to tell him. Whether me coming out was what he'd been expecting or not, it was eating away at me knowing I'd just directly lied to him like that. He deserved to know, he had more reason to be nervous about it than me and he'd already came out of the closet. So why couldn't I just get it over with already?