Mending Broken Hearts-2

Like a Virgin

I love the support and can't wait to share all of the great ideas I have with you all. Enjoy this fun update.

"Gen it's a pleasure to see you a..."

"I can't have children." I cut Andrew Perkins off. "After the shooting I...my fiancé and were trying IVF and it failed. I needed something good to come out of all this craziness and...I can't have children." I repeat feeling numb.

"How does that make you..."

"I'll stop you right there. I am in weekly therapy for various reasons. Me telling you I can't have children is not for you to find the route of my problems but to tell you that...there is a lot of uncertainty in my life. But surgery is not one of those. I know what I'm amazing at. What I can actually do right and that is surgery. So keeping me out of surgery is...it's detrimental to people who could benefit from my service."

"You want me to clear you because you're an amazing surgeon?"

"I want you to clear me because...I finally stopped locking myself in the bathroom. For over a week now if there is a loud noise or I'm startled my first instinct is no longer to run and hide. I'm still not fully over what happened. I don't know if I ever can. Normal people don't just get over having a gun raised to their face and being shot in the shoulder. But...I'm working towards not being terrified all the time."

"You locked yourself in the bathroom?" Andrew asks me and I nod my head.

"It was the only place in the apartment that had a lock. I felt safer with two locks between me and any danger that could come my way."

"And what made you stop locking yourself in the bathroom? Did you overcome or..."

"My friend Alex Karev he came out and basically dragged me...correction threatened to break down my bathroom door if I didn't get my ass out. So after a long two hours, I finally opened the door."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"I'm still numb to it all but...I don't think it's all attributed to the shooting."

"What else could it be from?" Andrew asks.

"I've lost a lot this past year. My fiancé Mark Sloan and I...we were about to become parents to a baby. Who is technically Mark's grandson from his teenage daughter who he didn't know he had. Long story short...the daughter was just using us for money and a place to stay. She played with our hearts and...I've never been the same again."

"And you wanted this baby?"

"I...I loved the pure joy on Mark's face when he talked about his grandson. No, I didn't love the situation but...I want children. And I was already having fertility issues and there was a baby that could possibly be ours."

"And when the baby was..."

"When the baby was given up for adoption I knew it was right for the baby and us. I didn't want anything else tying us to Mark's daughter. She's a kid and...she needed to grow up and know what she wants in life. Us raising her baby would have been a nightmare. And I...I didn't want the possibility in the future that she changed her mind and wanted the baby back. I couldn't have handled it if I had the baby ripped from me. I..."

"So when the IVF failed it brought you back to that moment." Andrew pieced together.

"I know I was lucky to have survived the shooting. If Mr. Clark had shot a little to the left I could be dead. I am planning a wedding right now. Just bought a beautiful house with plenty of rooms for guests or..."

"Children." Andrew finishes for me.

"I'm not someone that has to be the one to carry her child. I know families can happen in different ways. Mark and I have sent adoption applications to every adoption agency we could. Numerous ones in the states but we were denied within days. And international adoption is so expensive and...still haven't heard back. We've looked into surrogacy but we haven't found a place that we feel comfortable with and...I just bought a damn house that has more rooms than the people living in it. I feel like the moment I walk in I'll just be reminded of how empty our home will be." Andrew nods his head and grabs a form. "What are you doing?" I question him.