Retrocognition

12 | blinded

Jacob's stare bores into me like a laser beam.

Even though I refuse to glance his way, I can somehow sense the worry and curiosity he seems to be feeling. His caution is no doubt brought on by the fact that I have yet to say much of anything since we've been together tonight. I just can't seem to get out of my head, replaying the conversation I had with Ben earlier this afternoon. Ben's words playing on repeat in my mind plants a seed of doubt in the back of my brain, leading me to overthink the relationship I have begun to form with Jacob. After all, what if Ben is right in more ways than one? What if Jacob and I are just too different to last? What if I've somehow made a mistake by allowing Jacob Beckham to enter my life; what if I have fallen for him much too hard much too soon? I don't want to be blinded by my feelings, though I can't seem to look past my emotions.

I flinch when Jacob clears his throat. He parks his truck, and suddenly the light the running ignition had created that had been illuminating his features fades to black, leaving me struggling to see in the darkness. All I can make out is the gleam of Jacob's eyes, solely focused on me.

"Are you okay?"

I'm surprised by how softly Jacob says the words. I've seen him playful and serious, yet this gentle side of him is new to me. Part of me is ecstatic to meet this side of his personality. The excitement is immediately diminished by the doubt creeping into my mind, brought on by Ben's earlier words.

"Yeah," I manage to choke out, forcing a smile. "Just thinking."

"Well, what about?" Jacob leans forward slightly, a small gesture to express I have his undivided attention. The action melts my heart a little, and yet I'm still guarded. I realize that I have allowed myself to fall for Jacob incredibly fast. It is undeniable that I like him, and yet I don't have much guarantee that I won't get hurt in the end coming from Jacob's side of this arrangement. As much as I hate to admit it, Ben had been right. I need to protect my heart before it can shatter. Me being the reserved person that I am, I need stability and confirmation and reassurance. So I build up walls around my emotions, wanting to wait until I'm sure I will have the balance I need to slowly tear them down around Jacob.

"You," I admit in a shameless whisper.

Next to me, Jacob raises his eyebrows. He is silent for a moment before asking, "What about me?"

I shake my head, biting down on my bottom lip. I've been called direct and blunt more times than I can count by those who know me well, and yet putting Jacob in the position of answering all of my unasked questions and calming my doubts is nerve racking.

"I guess I just . . ." I trail off, finding it hard to look Jacob in the eye. "Are we serious?" I blurt. I release my fears of scaring Jacob off by trying to label us, letting go of my insecurities and giving in to the reckless side of me Jacob has always seemed to bring out.

Jacob hesitates for a moment. He seems taken off guard by my question. I study him, heart pounding, as his shocked expression morphs into a smile.

"Are you trying to ask me if I see us going somewhere, Blythe?"

I bite down on my lip once more. "Maybe. Is that a bad thing?"

Jacob shakes his head, smile widening into a grin. "Not at all. I actually wanted to ask you the same thing."

I raise my eyebrows as I study Jacob. "Really?"

He nods, leaning back in his seat as he beams at me. "I like you, Blythe. Something about you just . . . leaves me wanting more. I didn't want to rush you into anything, so I never asked about titles. But . . . I want you in my life. To get to know you. Everything. I'd like us to be . . . serious."

I try to bite down on the sides of my cheeks to stop myself from grinning too widely, yet the tactic doesn't seem to work.

With a chuckle and slight shake of his head, Jacob murmurs, "You're something else, Tatum."

"Is that a good thing?" The words are meant to be playful, yet there is a serious undertone to them.

Jacob's expression turns soft as he gazes at me, nodding his head slowly. And then he's kissing me, causing the rest of the world to fade to nothing but background noise and darkness. I find solace in his lips, comfort in his touch. Just like that, all of my walls come tumbling down. I forget Ben's words and my previous fears. I just kiss him as if it is what I was created to do, realizing that I could stay in this moment forever and be perfectly content.

Jacob Beckham seems to have a way of entering my life and flipping it upside down. And I don't mind it at all.

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a/n: y'all. WHY IS LIFE SO HARD????