Retrocognition

40 | outburst

Jacob allows me into his dorm wordlessly, closing the door behind me as I enter without offering me so much as a hello in greeting. His standoffishness is new to me. I feel out of place as I study his room, even though I've been here dozens of times before.

I wish I knew if he was seriously mad at me or simply disappointed that I couldn't make the time to go out with him tonight. It's moments like these where I find myself questioning if I'm ready for a serious relationship or not. Though I thought I had been ready to sign the relationship contract when I'd first seen it at face-value, I am now left to realize there are a lot of things one must read between the lines in order to be clear on when it comes to all that a relationship entails. I don't like the uncertainty of it all. I much prefer to be in the loop, sure of every aspect of my life. Jacob is confusing to me, as there are times I don't fully understand him.

That alone is terrifying.

"Hi," I say to Jacob finally, deciding to be the first to speak up. After all, one of us has to be the bigger person.

"Hey," Jacob mumbles without bothering to look up at me as he speaks. He busies himself by rummaging through his mini-fridge, settling on a bottle of water that he rushes to open so as not to have to acknowledge my presence.

"Did you guys have fun tonight?" I ask, eagerly striving to make conversation. I wish I knew what had him so upset so that I could fix it. I worry that the problem is me.

Jacob nods curtly. "Yeah. Would have been more fun if you had been there."

"I'm sorry," I tell him. "You know I wanted to go. But I had a meeting for the—"

"For the paper," Jacob cuts me off, "I know." His features are pinched, outlined with anger. A storm brews in his brown eyes, making his gaze appear darker than usual. I'm left flabbergasted, unsure of what I could possibly do to console him. In all honesty, I'm clueless as to what exactly I did wrong to upset him in the first place.

"You're not seriously mad at me?" The statement comes out as more of a question, giving away my inner turmoil. "You know the paper is important to me, Jacob. You know school is important to me. I can't always ditch to please you."

"I know," Jacob repeats, falling back onto his bed and making himself comfortable, still choosing to ignore me by disregarding my stare. "It's whatever. I'm not mad."

I cross my arms over my chest, furrowing my eyebrows as I peer down at Jacob curiously. "Then why are you acting like that?"

"It just sucks," Jacob admits after a moment, sitting up on his mattress to run a hand through his hair frustratedly. "I feel like we barely get any time with each other. Between practices and classes and your extracurriculars. You know? Just bummed."

"We always make time for each other," I argue, shaking my head in confusion. "Regardless, I never ask you to skip practice just to see me. And I wouldn't. Because football is important to you. School and the paper is my football. Those are the things that are important to me. I don't see what the issue is."

Jacob snorts as his gaze finally rests on mine. I'm startled when he finally glances at me, taken off guard by the intensity of his stare. He stiffens as he faces me, eyes narrowing as a shadow passes through his irises. "What? You're calling me a shitty boyfriend now?"

My jaw slackens. I'm blindsided into a stupor, wondering how on earth Jacob could have come to that conclusion. I don't see what I said that could possibly insinuate that I feel as if he is a bad boyfriend at all; I would never say anything to make him feel that way. My feelings are left hurt, as I can't believe Jacob would really accuse me of implying such a thing.

"No?" I clarify, though the word comes out as more of a question rather than a statement due to the nerves I'm feeling brought on by our argument. "Jacob, why would I—"

"Sorry I want to spend time with my girlfriend," Jacob mumbles, his anger visibly increasing by the second. "I didn't know that was such a shitty thing to want. My bad."

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," I say carefully. I feel as if I have to pick and choose my words, so as not to express anything other than my intentions. I can't help hugging my arms to my chest, as if trying to find comfort in myself. "You're acting like you're mad at me for—"

Jacob clutches the water bottle he holds in his hand so tightly the plastic grinds together, creating a loud noise that cuts me off mid-sentence. "I said I wasn't mad," Jacob reiterates. "Would you just drop it, Blythe?"

"No, I'm not going to drop it," I tell him, put off by his aggressive demeanor. "I just want to know what's bothering you, so we can talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about," Jacob retorts. "It's obviously not a big deal, so just let it go."

"Apparently it's a big deal to you," I scoff. "I just don't get—"

"Goddammit, Blythe!" Jacob's voice is a boom, rising from a calculated tone to a yell in a split second. I flinch as Jacob tosses his water bottle across the room, watching as the bottle hits the wall and falls to the ground to create a horrid sound that echoes in the deafening silence surrounding me.

My gaze cuts back to Jacob to find him exhaling a sharp breath, hands in his hair. A raged expression is painted across his features as veins protrude in his neck and temple. I've never seen him so upset, and I can't seem to wrap my head around what has him so troubled in the first place. My confusion feeds into my uneasiness.

"I'm sorry," Jacob mumbles after a moment. He hides his face behind his hands, elbows propped up on his knees. "That was uncalled for. I'm sorry."

I slowly edge closer to him, somewhat frightened to get too close. I don't want to set him off further, though I want him to know I'm here for him.

"You're right," he continues, shaking his head, "I'm being unfair to you. You did nothing wrong tonight. It's me. I'm just stressed about school and stuff and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry, Blythe."

I carefully take a seat on the edge of Jacob's bed, creeping closer to him gently. I rest a hand on the small of his back, running my touch up and down his spine comfortingly.

"So talk about it with me," I murmur faintly. "Don't keep things in. It doesn't turn out well."

Jacob chuckles dryly. "Yeah."

He peers up at me, regret shining brightly in his gaze. I can tell that he feels bad for his former outburst—more than that, he's ashamed.

"I'll make tonight up to you," I promise him, moving my hand from the small of his back to play in his hair. "We'll make more time for each other if that's what you need. You know I'm always here."

Jacob nods, resting his head in the crook of my neck and allowing me to play with his hair for a moment. He soon leans over to kiss me, lips meeting mine in the sweetest of collisions. He whispers to me apologies that I assure him I know he means before allowing him to kiss me once more.

I keep the truth to myself, which is that tonight Jacob scared me. But what scares me most of all is that I have a feeling Jacob's outburst tonight will only be the first of many.