Retrocognition

39 | passive aggressive

I set my phone down and rub my temples, closing my eyes as I lean back in my seat.

"You good?"

Ivy's question startles me. I'd been too lost in my own world to notice her presence, mentally wandering out in space while trying my best to ease the tension in my head.

I nod, sighing as I rest my elbows atop the table and give Ivy my full attention. "Just dazed off, I guess."

Ivy eyes my phone skeptically. The look she offers expresses that she is not buying my bullshit. She's been my best friend for far too long—of course she can tell I'm upset. And that I'm lying to her. Which I am; both upset and lying, that is.

"What is it?" Ivy deadpans, closing her laptop and leaning forward to stare me down with no distractions. "You can talk to me, you know. That's technically my job as your best friend: to listen to all of your problems." She cracks a smile, which helps to ease some of the anxiety running through my veins.

I bite down on my lip, gaze suddenly very interested in the wooden tabletop before me. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to open up to my friends lately. It's as if I feel the need to keep everything inside, out of fear that I will be judged for sharing my true emotions. It's exhausting, bottling everything up. Sooner or later, I'm bound to explode. I don't want to watch my friends become collateral damage.

"Jacob and I are in a slight argument," I admit uneasily. I hesitate, pausing to carefully observe Ivy's expression. I'm expecting her to offer me a smug smile or satisfied grin, as if to say she knew something like this would happen. I'm somewhat surprised when my friend merely sits in silence, waiting for me to continue.

"He really wanted me to go out with him and some friends tonight," I explain, still rather reluctant to do so. "I mean, I guess I wanted to go too. But I couldn't, because I had prior commitments—you know, with the paper and stuff. Jacob understood—at least, he said he did; but he's just been . . . I don't know . . . off lately? It's like he's mad at me for not making time to go out with him. I've skipped a few meetings and other things to hang out with him before, so I just thought he'd understand that I can't make a habit out of doing so."

Ivy nods to express that she's listening intently, allowing me to get all of my thoughts out before interrupting. Her expression turns thoughtful as she brushes her dark bangs out of her eyes, adjusting the knot atop her head absentmindedly.

"It sounds like he's being sort of passive aggressive," Ivy notes. "Not exactly mad, just disappointed that your plans fell through. If you want my advice to avoid a situation like this in the future, I'd suggest making it clear to Jacob that school is a priority to you. I'm not saying you should make him feel like your personal life is more important to you than your relationship with him is, but just that you take your academics seriously. Skipping out on your previous commitments to make time with him in the past probably made him think those commitments are not as major to you as they really are. If you make it clear early on that you're not going to blow off things that are important to you, he'll start respecting your decisions without feeling like he's a second choice."

Ivy's advice is somewhat helpful. I can see why Jacob would be blindsided by me deciding against going out with him when I've made the time to do so in the past. I can't necessarily blame him for being upset when I set him up to be disappointed by canceling or skipping out on prior commitments to spend time with him. However, part of me is still irritated by his recent attitude. He's known from the beginning that I have goals I'm not willing to let go of over a relationship. Why does he have to ask me to choose him over the things that are important to me?

"I guess I'm still new to this whole relationship thing," I tell Ivy sheepishly. "I'm not used to having to share my time between school and boys. That sounds selfish, doesn't it?"

"Not to me," Ivy deadpans with a shrug. "You should never sacrifice your goals for a boy. That's why I think it's important you make it clear you're not going to."

"You're right," I agree. "Maybe I'll catch up with him later tonight and we can talk."

"Sounds good," Ivy says. "Just remember that little arguments are typical in a relationship, Lithie. Don't beat yourself up over it, okay? I promise you it's not as big of a deal as you think it is. You and Jacob will work it out."

I study my phone to find that Jacob left my last text on read, wondering if Ivy might be wrong for once.

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a/n: early update while i wait for my laundry to be done !