Retrocognition

47 | unrecognizable

"I'm sorry about tonight," I say to Jacob softly, trying to keep my tone one of understanding. "I know this game was a big deal for you. But anyone watching could see how amazing you are. You'll win the next one."

Jacob nods absentmindedly. Though he is physically here with me, it's clear to tell that he is somewhere far away mentally. He has yet to say much since we reached his dorm room, and he hardly uttered a word on the way here after the game ended. I assume he's bummed about the result of the game, which I understand. Football is an important part of his life. It had to be hard to accept a loss over the first home game of the season, especially with all of the scouts keeping their eyes on Jacob this school year. I know it's a dream of his to go pro with football, and I'm certain he takes it personally when things don't turn out the way he had hoped for them to. I can't blame him for zoning out.

I keep myself busy by scrolling through apps on my phone, allowing Jacob to have some space. I curl up on his mattress while Jacob wanders the room, keeping to myself until he feels ready to talk.

"Who was that you were at the game with?" Jacob questions out of nowhere. His voice startles me, as I hadn't been expecting him to speak. More than that, he sounds somewhat irritated. If anything, I'd assumed he would want to talk about the game. Not my friends. "The blond dude?"

"That was Ben," I tell Jacob with a round of faint laughter, glancing up from my phone to find Jacob standing in front of me with a blank expression. "You met him before. With Ivy. Remember?"

Jacob's expression remains stony, revealing no form of recognition. "Why was he all over you?"

I'm caught off guard by this question. I sit up on the mattress, furrowing my eyebrows as I glance up at my boyfriend out of curiosity. "What do you mean?"

"He was just really close," Jacob explains. "Every time I looked up, there he was. Right next to you."

"We were just sitting next to each other," I tell Jacob slowly, unsure as to what he is getting at. I'm unable to decipher if he's seriously upset or genuinely curious. "We were watching the game, baby."

"I didn't like it," Jacob blurts.

I raise my eyebrows, stunned. I open my mouth to respond to his comment, though I can't seem to come up with anything to say.

"Ben is just a friend, Jacob," I clarify, shaking my head. "I've known him for years. The two of us have never—we would never—"

"I don't want you hanging out with him anymore," Jacob cuts me off sharply. His dark eyes are empty of light, as if his soul has left his body. His stance is tense, jaw clenched in anger. I hesitate for a moment, as if waiting for him to take back the words he has just said, half thinking my boyfriend is playing some twisted joke on me. I'm surprised when he makes no effort to do so.

"What?" I question, knowing he can't be seriously upset with me over something so minor—not to mention ludicrous. "Jacob—where is this coming from? You never said anything about having a problem with me hanging out with Ben before? I don't see the issue here."

"The issue is that I don't want you being around guys who don't know boundaries," Jacob bites. His tone has raised an octave, unsettling me. I feel an argument brewing in the air, causing tension to ripple between my boyfriend and I.

"What the hell?" I rise from the mattress, crossing my arms over my chest as I face Jacob, my own anger steadily growing. "Look, I get you're upset about tonight, but that is no reason for you to take your anger out on—"

"Why are you getting so defensive?" Jacob cuts me off once more. His eyes narrow to slits. I feel as if his stare is cutting right through me, penetrating my soul. "Are you hiding something?"

"No!" I cry, offended by the accusation. I'm so taken off guard I can hardly think of a response to such a comment, much less speak legibly. "Jacob . . . what would I even be hiding? What is wrong with you?"

Jacob's gaze drops to my side, focusing on my right hand. "Give me your phone." He says sternly, nodding in the direction of my phone to signal it out to me—as if I'm not already holding it.

"Excuse me?" I question in disbelief. "Are you serious right now?"

I can hardly believe what Jacob has just asked of me. We've never had a problem when it comes to trusting each other before, which leaves me clueless as to where his sudden paranoia has come from. I've never seen this side of Jacob before, unused to his cagey and suspicious behavior. I don't like feeling as if he has no faith in me—as if he thinks I would ever do anything to purposefully hurt him. Furthermore, I don't like the anger that is currently bouncing off of him in waves, transferring over to me. Though I suspect his attitude has to do with the upsetting end of the game tonight, I still don't appreciate Jacob taking his disappointment out on me in the form of an outrage.

"You said you have nothing to hide," Jacob murmurs. "So let me see."

My jaw drops. I stare at Jacob as if I've never truly looked at him before, seething on the inside. I'm so angry that I move past seeing red, consumed by nothing but blinding white.

"I'm leaving. Come find me when you get over yourself. I'm not doing this with you tonight, Jacob."

I turn to go, shaking my head as I reach for my things. My thoughts are focused on nothing but getting home and holding back the oncoming tears obstructing my vision. I'm questioning where Jacob's insensibility could have possibly come from when he suddenly grabs my arm, pulling me back and halting me from moving any further. His grip is tighter than necessary, his fingers digging into my skin to the point of pain.

Hot tears blur my vision. "Jacob," I try to say as calmly as possible. "You're hurting me."

"I said give me the phone, Blythe." Jacob ignores my former statement, tone cold as he spits out his demand. I tremble, my anger fading to fear. I've never seen him like this before. I don't know where this side of him came from; I don't know what might be coming next.

I try to jerk my arm away from Jacob's insufferable grasp, though Jacob merely tightens his grip to keep me still. The skin around his hold turns white. "Let go of me!"

Jacob snatches the phone out of my hand, typing in the password as I protest. I don't bother trying to take my phone back from him, too frightened by his behavior to do much of anything besides stand in place and hold back tears.

I watch as Jacob invades my privacy, going through my phone without my permission. I can hardly believe that he would really do such a thing to me, and all because I hung out with a friend of mine. I know better than to let myself be treated in such a way, and yet I can seem to do anything but stand still, frozen in place as Jacob does as he pleases with my belongings.

He shakes his head after a moment of scrolling through my phone, his expression one of disgust as his eyes roam the screen before him. After a few brief seconds, Jacob shoves my phone in my face and hisses, "What the fuck is this?"

I try to focus my gaze enough through the oncoming tears obstructing my vision to read the messages pulled up on the phone screen. It's a few old messages of mine and Ben's. I read a text from Ben that simply says "thanks for everything, i love you". I'd responded to the message with "i love you too". A completely platonic conversation—as that's all my relationship with Ben has ever been, and ever will be.

"It's nothing!" I try to explain to Jacob. "Ben and I just aren't—"

I don't get to finish my sentence. Jacob loses it, releasing a garbled cry as he turns and throws my phone across the room. It hits the far wall with a loud thud, dropping to the ground and creating a noise that sounds a lot like glass cracking. I flinch at the outburst. My tears escape their restraint, spilling over and creating jagged paths down my cheeks.

"If I ever catch you fucking talking to him again"—Jacob rages, his voice so loud it shakes as his face goes red—"he's fucking dead, Blythe. I fucking swear."

Jacob's stare penetrates mine, dark and angry and lifeless. Gone is the boy I met at a party what now feels like forever ago, who took my breath away with nothing more than a smile. He has been replaced with a statue made of black stone, cold and blank. It's like a switch flipped within Jacob, leaving him completely unrecognizable before me.

I'm scared.

I nod meekly, conveying that I understand. Jacob runs his hands through his hair, exhaling sharply. His face is twisted, expression torn.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs weakly, hiding his face behind his hands. "I'm sorry, Blythe. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry . . ."

Jacob repeats himself over and over absentmindedly, reaching for me with jerky movements. I'm emotionless as he wraps his arms around my shoulders, standing stiffly as he pulls me into him and whispers regret into my ear. I do the only thing I know how to do at the moment: Swallow my emotions and give into my fear. I know better than to admit that Jacob has frightened me or that I want to be anywhere but here with him at the moment. After all, further upsetting him would only result in another fit of rage.

Jacob holds me for what feels like forever, until his eyes drift closed and his breathing turns even. I remain trapped in his arms, my mind soon giving way to darkness and the familiar feeling of hands being wrapped around my throat.