Dar'solus [Captain Rex x reader]

Chapter 35 - Atiniir

"Atiniir."  = "To endure."

The Resolute was cruising along the big empty void once more, currently awaiting further orders. So far, we had been told to stay put as there would be a relay of orders soon. Exactly when though? That is something only the stars know for now. Earlier when I had walked the square hall down to my room, a displaced feeling had settled in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't gnawing at me, it wasn't telling me that something was wrong. Just that something was out of place. Or that there was someone not in their place. Chiller and Hothead. They had lived in the room next to mine. Now we had two new shinies in their place. I hadn't met them yet, and I wondered if I even wanted to meet them at all. It was wrong of me to think in such ways. But I couldn't help it. I despised the feeling of so easily being able to replace someone with others fresh off the lines of Kamino. It was wrong. But who was I to do something about it? I had no power to. Not even if I really wanted to. Which I did.

"Papa! Look what Uncle Jinn taught me!"

Swirling the wooden staff in my hand once in front, and once behind my back I threw it up in the air and -somewhat- gracefully caught it.

"Wow! Look at you, ad'ika! He has taught you well."

Proudness beamed from my eyes as they were directed up at the man I admired so. Qui-Gon placed a firm hand on my shoulder and patted it once,

"She is a great student, my old friend."

Looking between the two I was in one of my happiest places. Nothing could beat this moment right here, right now. But when my eyes caught sight once more of father's eyes, they had changed. They weren't as full of happiness as I had expected. Something else was mixing in their brown colour as he sharply observed Qui-Gon. Glancing up at him he wore a look of argument. Being so young still I couldn't understand their silent conversation. Instead I unsurely gripped my staff and held it closer to my chest. Had I done something wrong?

"That may be so, but that's why I'm teaching her."

"I understand. I wish it were so with my padawan."

I could almost feel the brief tension that had resided between them float away. My shoulders relaxed again.

"Uncle Jinn, when can I meet your padawan?"

Looking down at my small frame he chuckled and bent down.

"Some day, little one. He has much in ways of studies now, but I believe that he might be ready in a few months."

A determination settled in me as I held out my hand.

"Promise that you'll bring him then."

Qui-Gon chuckled again and took my hand.

"I promise, (Y/N)."

That had been six months before Maul brought my village to ruin. Child me had been so wrecked with grief, and the news of Qui-Gon's death two months thereafter had been even more soul crushing. Honestly, it was a wonder that I was still here today. But walking these halls now without hearing any rambunctious noise from Hothead and Chiller brought me back to that dark place. It wasn't enough to fully drown me as time had passed and being around the others had helped immensely. Yet the scar weighed heavy on me. It had been my fault still. Standing as if I were a ghost outside my own door, my eyes lingered on their barrack.

"If only..."

It was but a sigh that wafted out from my lips, nothing more. Like moss and vines taking back what was rightfully theirs in an abandoned thing, I was that of a lone monument being reclaimed by the evergreen. Unmoving and frozen in time. A high pitched ping from my vambrace brought me out of my grieving trance. Anakin wanted me up on the bridge. Sighing I went on autopilot for the way up as my mind busied itself with mechanical things to not let it slip back into the unforgiving dark it could conjur. On deck when I walked in was the usual flock of crewmembers and officers milling about. Anakin and Rex were further up by the long window overseeing the stars; with them were two shinies in newly painted armour to match the 501st colours. My throat dried up and a pang of guilt, sorrow and remorse hit my lungs. I haltered in my step and unwillingly stopped. Just get it over with! Thoughts driving me on, I once again became that lone monument in the forest. For but a moment I observed the view of them, chatting and smiling amongst each other. It hurt. Stars it hurts to see it. Like a lucid dream I didn't want my heart screamed for me to wake up and see that it was all a nightmare. That I would walk out to the mess and see Chiller gossiping to the others about me and Rex doing things in secret. Or to be in the hangar and have both of them come up and tease me about something whilst I tried getting my work done. Reality however, grounded me in a painful truth that held me back from walking up to them. I contemplated turning back and walking out, giving the excuse that I had urgent business in the hangar or an armour malfunction or– something. Go. They would have wanted you to, (Y/N). They'll always be here. The thoughts lulled me into lesser pain and almost comfortade me. Not entirely, but enough. Filling my lungs with new confidence I lightly patted my eyes that had blurred over. To be on the safe side I cleared my throat and took the first step forward. I couldn't muster a bright smile, but a welcome one would suffice for now.