Before sunrise

When love burns

Wednesday October 12, 2022:

Esmee POV

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I'm sitting in the school's cafeteria with my knees brought up to my chest, balancing on a chair.

I'm wearing a big black sweater which seems to swallow me hole. That only means one thing in my current state... I'm not feeling well. How can I? I haven't slept for over a week. I can count myself lucky if I sleep more than five hours in one night. I'm a walking corps and I know it.

At first all my friends asked me why I looked like shit, but now they seem al to oblivious for my state or they simply stopped asking because it wasn't their problem.

I never felt like this in my life. And trust me I've been through some shit. But this is a different kind of pain and sorrow. It almost feels like I'm dying, and I don't know why? Like I've found a part of my soul and it has been stripped away from me just as fast.

I feel so depressed. I don't even think I smiled this week.

The bell rings and everybody of my table stands up. I pull my strength together and stand up only to grasp at the table for stability. I feel weak and dizzy, and that's meanly because I haven't been able to consume any food the past few days.

I'm empty... empty all the way.

The voices in the background seem far away.

I feel hands toughing my arms and back, giving support, but the only thing on my mind is that I need to control my breathing before everything turns black.

The faces before me seem blurry.

Suddenly I feel a flash of cold water in my face. My body pulls back into reality.

Everyone around me looks in shook. I look at them threatening, 'Okey who threw the water?'

'You almost passed out. I was a reflex.' My friend Tom explains, 'You obviously don't feel well, just go home.'

No... No. I can't go home. I need to stay in school that is the only place where I'm not confronted with the shitty situation at home. It's the only place where I don't have to feel bad about myself, don't have to feel like I'm not good enough. Besides, if I go home, I look weak, and my mom will think something is wrong and the last thing she needs is being concerned about me. She already has enough to worry about. I don't what to burden her anymore.

'No, I'm all good, truly.' Even I'm not convinced of myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Maddy gives me a hug, 'You're not fine. Go home. You won't miss anything anyway. You need to stay in bed.'

'I will make notes of the class. Do not worry Esmee.' Toms speaks as he still holds my arm.

His touch burns my flesh, and not in the good way.

I step aside to get myself free from his touch. I smile at him, not wanting him to know I do not like being touched. Or that I do not like his touch. Tom is way too sweet to me to make him think poorly about himself.

I know that he has a crush on me for the past few years, but he never acted upon his crush. And I am glad to say that he luckily didn't. It would break my heart by the thought alone of me breaking his.

I nod at my friend's words, and they all leave the cafeteria.

I walk towards the lockers and grab my goat. It is always fucking cold in the Netherlands. The weather is never good. It's either too cold with heavy wind, or it's too warm. But not like nice warm no, sauna warm where the air knows so much humidity that you feel like you can drink the air.