How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

3.

Debating about whether I should go through with my plan definitely passed through my mind over and over again. It's not like it was anything complicated. All I had to do was walk for ten minutes and then press a button on the side of a wall. There's nothing hard about that.

It was almost pitch black when I finally get to where I was heading.

I took one step up to the entrance of the small apartment building. I punched in the number and pressed the call button on the wall.

"Hello?" I say towards the speaker.

There's no answer. He's not home.

I sit down on the step and just wait. Hopefully, he would be home soon.

Passing the time, I looked around at the street that sat thirty feet from me. It obviously hadn't been repaired in years. This giant crack ran down the centre, only to deviate every once in a while. It pretty much made the yellow paint divider non-existent. I guess the same would go for my brother's apartment building, except for the fact that it was made of red bricks.

Twenty minutes had gone by and still no sign of Flint. Maybe I should just go home. I took a deep breath. Well, I might as well go.

The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Flint and his girlfriend were laughing their asses off as they turned the curb to the apartment building.

"Claire?" he says, surprised to see me.

"Hey..." I say as I stand up.

He smiles and touches my shoulders, "What are you doing here?"

"Can we talk?" I ask.

"Yeah, sure," he says. He looks over at his girlfriend, "I'll see you inside Robin."

She nods and disappears into the building.

"What's going on?" he starts, "You never come to visit me out of the blue."

I let out a long breath and sit back down on the step. Flint sits beside me, arranging his dark teal coat.

Where do I start?

"I don't know what to do with my life anymore." I say, "Well I didn't really know from the beginning what I was doing with my life. Flint, I'm completely lost."

"I wouldn't say that," he says, giving me a quick glance. "You're in university. That's something."

He didn't understand.

"Do you really think I want to be an accountant for the rest of my life?" I tell him. "There's so much stuff and things to do out in the world. I just feel like if I don't go through with it, I won't be making dad proud..."

I feel a tear rolling down my face. I don't think I've cried in forever.

Flint pulls me into a hug, "Dad would be proud of you no matter what you decide to do. I don't think he would want you to be miserable. Honestly, he would probably prefer you to have some crazy adventure than sit at a desk all day."

"I don't have the money to go on some crazy adventure." I shake my head.

"Yeah you do." he acts like I'm missing something obvious. "The money dad left you isn't just for school. Drop out, you can still get most of it back."

"Drop out?!" I couldn't believe he just said that. "And what about after that, then what?"

"Go somewhere!" he points to the open space around us. "Claire, go figure out who you are. You owe yourself that. Be rebellious, fall in love. You'll thank yourself one day if you do this."

He turns towards his brown leather shoulder bag and opens it. At first, I couldn't see what he was grabbing, but he hands me a leather-bound book.

"What is this?" I ask.

He smiles, "Open it."

I undo the flap from the gold coloured square button. I looked at him wary about what he had just given me. Flipping through the pages, I realize that they're all empty.

"You gave me a book with nothing written in it," I tell him.

He laughs, "It's a notebook silly."

"And what do you want me to do with it?" I say.

"Just... Write something. Anything. Take it on an adventure." he says back.

I glance up at him, "So you're just giving it to me?"

"Yep." he states.

I couldn't help but give him another hug. What did I ever do to deserve a brother like him?

I stand up and Flint follows. He brushes off the dirt on his coat.

"Now go home before mom starts freaking out," he says as he brushes my dirty blond hair behind my ear.

"Thanks," I say as I turn to walk away.

As I turn the curb to leave, he gives me a wave.

"I told you it would pay off to have a poet as a brother," he shouts.

I couldn't help but give a little laugh as I make my way home, holding the notebook tightly to my chest.

Ten minutes later I stood in front of my house and it's a dull colour scheme. My mother had left the porch lights on. She left the front door unlocked for me.

Sometimes she forgets that I've gone out, usually with Karmen and Chase, and I end up having to search for our spare key. Mom tends to switch it places every couple of weeks.

As I walk in and lock the door behind me, I can see her passed out on the couch with the TV still on. I shut it off.

Flint said that dad would be proud of me no matter what I decide to do, but I wondered if my mom would feel the same way. They were always the complete opposite of each other but somehow were perfect together.

I remember watching them dance in the living room like no one was watching. I wished I had that kind of confidence. Then again, my dad was the one who was never afraid of anything.

Up in my room, I just laid on my bed thinking over everything.

Is Flint right? I was having second thoughts. Should I really leave all this behind? Go on an adventure?