How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

48.

"I can't believe it," he says.

By breaths got heavier as the seconds went on. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to react, the only thing I did know was that I knew I wasn't dreaming. This was, to the best of my beliefs, completely real.

"I found you," he speaks again.

We were still surrounded by at least a hundred people, but I didn't care what was going through their minds, although it was probably somewhat confusing for them.

This man who I thought I would never see again was standing right in front of me and I felt absolutely nothing.

All those times when I could only think of what would have happened if I would have stayed in Ireland when for a moment I believed that some part of me was still in love with him deep down.

"I thought I would never be able to find you," Jack goes on.

"I told you not to come after me," I tell him.

"Claire," he almost shouts expectantly, "I love you."

The sound of the crowd awe-ing echoed back towards us and I felt almost embarrassed. I didn't want to stand here any longer. So, I just turned around and forced my way past everyone.

I could hear Jack calling my name, but I didn't even bother to turn around. I just kept walking, walking past everyone so that I could be alone.

I ended up at a crosswalk and I knew that in no time Jack would catch-up to me.

"Claire!" he calls to me as he touches my shoulder.

Again, I'm at a complete loss for words, nothing seems to fit right.

"Talk to me," he pleads, "I've been looking for you since the day you left me. I'm sorry, I just couldn't listen to you."

Part of me felt like crying, the other half wanted to slap him across the face. I was sad and angry and I didn't know what to do with myself. I wished he would have just stayed where he was, that we could have moved on, I hardly knew him and it should've remained that way.

"When I saw you get on that plane," he starts, "I tried so hard to run to you, but I was too late. I got on the next flight to follow you to Amsterdam, and I thought I would never be able to find you-"

I cut him off, "You were at the airport?"

"Yes!" he says praising, "Then, I saw you walking down a street and I called out your name, but with my guitar on my back I couldn't make it to you, I just kept running into people, slowing me down."

Those voices I heard... they were him? I thought I was imagining it all, especially after what happened that night.

"I ended up at this little hotel that I thought you might have gone into," he says not stopping with his story, "I checked in and at one point I was sure I heard your voice coming from the room beside me, but no one ever answered the door when I knocked."

It really was him singing...

"The next morning, I walked downstairs and I saw a glimpse of you, through the window, walking away. By the time I made it to the front door, I couldn't see you, you vanished. The lady at the front desk told me you lived in Ottawa and then I just came here..."

Here...

"You should have never come," I finally tell him.

"What?" he questions.

"Jack... I can't do this," I say through a quiver.

"Claire, please," he says, "I just want to talk."

"Then, talk here," I reply.

It didn't bother me that the sun was slowly on it's way down and that it's light was blinding me at times. I was just glad to get away from an endless line of people staring at us.

"My feelings haven't changed since the day you walked out of my house," he tells me.

I think mine have... I just wasn't sure until now.

"Jack," I start, "I'm sorry. I... I..."

"Don't say it," he says in a low voice.

Now, for sure, I could feel the tears rising up and slowly falling down my cheeks.

I could see that he knew what I was going to say, even through the changing of the traffic lights reflecting off his face.

"I don't love you," I say, "I thought maybe I did, but now I know that I don't."

After that kiss, I knew something was different. We didn't have the spark, the passion, at least that was the truth for me. I wasn't the same person the last time we were face to face and standing there, it wasn't like when we were dancing in his living room.

He looks down to his feet on the gritted sidewalk, not even shedding one tear, yet I could see he was heartbroken. This joy I used to see him embody was gone, all of it.

"Go home," I tell him, "forget this, forget me."

He still doesn't say anything now, our roles reversed.

"Go back to working at that hotel, go back to Aileen, go back and get some of that stupid ice cream I never got to taste!" I beg him.

He finally looks back up to me, "Claire..."

Again, I tell him, "Go home... do that for me, Jack. And I'm going to go back to my girlfriend."

Oh my god, Tess!!!

How could I have just left her there?! She's probably lost or scared!

"I-I'm sorry," I say quickly, "I have to go."

I felt a little disoriented. For a minute, I almost forgot where I last saw her.

My feet started moving and didn't stop until I was back in the main part of the market, leaving Jack completely alone.

It was almost entirely deserted, save for a few lingering shoppers, but Tess wasn't there.

"Tess?!" I call out her name.

I walked around for what seemed like an eternity calling her name everywhere I went, but I was absolutely defeated.