How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

49.

"Tess?!" I keep calling out her name but don't hear anything.

Finally, I pull out my phone and I dial her number as quickly as I could. It rings for over a minute and I feel that I've been waiting so long that I'm starting to see my breath in the cold air. When she doesn't answer, I start to feel my heart beat faster than the ticking of a clock and my legs want to turn into quicksand, yet I knew I couldn't give up here.

God, Tess, where are you?!

My head felt so disoriented, spinning, and my eyes just couldn't stop to focus on anything. I thought I would fall over and just die here out on the sidewalk, I was embarrassed and misplaced and I was worried I wouldn't be able to figure out my way home despite the facts that I've lived in this city my whole life.

I try calling her cellphone again, but like before I wait for over a minute and she still doesn't pick up. This time, however, I leave her a message.

"Tess, where are you?" my voicemail begins, "I can't find you and I'm scared that you're lost. Please be okay... Call me back, please, okay, I love you..."

I hang up and I just feel absolutely defeated. I was so scared for her safety. I have no idea where she is and my entire body is shaking with worry. The most horrible things were going through my mind. Maybe she was kidnapped, or went down the wrong road and over the bridge to Gatineau. I know we weren't really close to that bridge, but there's always the possibility.

I was seconds away from calling the cops when Chase sends me a text that he was with Tess over at his parent's house.

It eluded me to how quickly they got there, yet subsequently, I was relieved to know that she was alive and with one of the most trustworthy people I know.

From my house, Chase is about a ten-minute drive by car, but it's unlucky for me that I don't own a car. My mom does and Flint does too, but they're too afraid to even let me touch the steering wheel. It's not like I'm a crazy driver, I went through the two years of training it takes to get a license. In fact, I would say during those eight weeks where I had to take driver's ed, I was probably the top of my class. Although, from what I remember the instructor talked non-stop about the multiple times he's seen someone get decapitated in a car accident. So, maybe I didn't learn much, but when it came to the practical side of things, like actually driving a car, this instructor (clearly a different one) was a really nice guy and taught me everything I know about obeying the laws of the road.

I grabbed the next familiar city bus and headed towards Chase's house. For a while, it went completely straight down the road stopping at every second street corner letting people off and on before eventually turning down one road and then the other.

When I eventually got off at the stop just a block away, my instinct and my gut were telling that I should run all the way to Tess as fast as I could, but my brain made me conscious that there are probably people on the sidewalk who would think I had just stolen something and was trying to get away. So, I took a long breath and walked along like nothing was wrong, at least I tried to. My back was up straight, my arms each clutched by the opposing hand and my gait as inconspicuous as possible, which clearly settled that all my steps were large and stiff. I also attempted to smile like nothing was wrong, yet I think people could tell it was all a façade. I dropped it all, however, when I arrived in front of the house.

It's similar in size to mine, but the front is almost mirrored, with the door to the right instead of the left. Red bricks line the entirety of the outside walls, except for the one that's missing just above the attic window. During the spring, birds usually nest in there. And then, there's the large window that peers through to the living room and below it is their porch, it's also much smaller than ours and higher up with stairs made of cement. 

I walk up the steps and take a moment before knocking on the door. It's absolutely silent for a while until I hear the rumbling of the wood under someone's feet as they get closer. Slowly, the front door opens and I see Chase just peeking out from behind it.

"Where have you been?" he says sounding paranoid.

"Where have I been? I've been looking for Tess, but when you sent me that text, I came right here," I tell him.

"She made me drive to your house to grab her stuff first before coming here. What is going on?" he questions.

Deep down I knew precisely what this was about, but a sliver of me hoped it wasn't.

"Where is she?" I ask.

Chase sighs as he tells me, "she's pretty much locked herself up in my room. You guys are lucky that my parents are out tonight, just from what I've seen so far, this is a complete mess."

He ultimately lets me in and I take my shoes off on the small carpet in the foyer.

I lurch myself forward, and quickly, rushing up the stairs to his room. The door was closed, just as he said, but I could hear Tess on the other side shuffling around the space.

"Tess?" I say lightly before opening the door to walk into the room.

She's standing facing the window to the right of Chase's bed.

"Tess?" I ask again to see if she'll look at me.

Her head turns a little to hear me better, but she still doesn't say anything.

"I've been looking for you everywhere," I tell her taking a step forward.

She shifts farther away from me when she notices my movements.

"Why?" she finally says, sniffling, with her arms in front of her hiding her hands.

"I... I wasn't expecting what happened today to... well... happen," I say.

"Sure," she replies harsher than before.

"Do you not believe me?" I question her in the same manner.

"How could I?" she answers, turning around.

Her eyes let tears trickle down her face and her shoulders stayed low on her body. In her hands, she was grasping my leather-bound journal as tight as she could.

"Tess?!" I almost shout out of anger and guilt.

It upset me that she would even go through my stuff without me knowing, but the fact that she took it too just made me feel worse.

"I read your stupid journal!" she yells.

Part of me wanted to correct her and tell her it's really my advice column, to lighten the mood, but she wasn't done with it yet.

"You know, I wondered what you wrote in this thing. You always seemed to spend more time writing in it than hanging out with me. At least now I know why!" she wails.

It takes me not one second to stand up to her provoking, "You had no right to go and read that!"

"Yeah, I definitely did!" she shouts, "Especially after you kissed that guy today and just left me there alone!"

I was about to debate her on those events, but she didn't even give me the time of day.

"Oh yeah, let's see here," she starts. "Now let me quote you: "Every time I kiss Tess, somewhere in the back of my mind, I think that Rose still owns them." Rose, eh? I'm glad to know that you think of someone else every time we kiss," she says sarcastically. "And here's another passage: "Jack, I think he would have made me happy." So I'm guessing I watched you kiss Jack today?"

"Tess?!" I say. For a moment I think I screamed at her.

"You two are perfect for each other, mostly because I know you think about him when I'm sleeping right beside you," she scoffs, shoving my journal into my chest as she walks past me.

She doesn't even know...