How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

39.

"Stay. Just please stay," Tess keeps repeating. "Damit, I just want you to stay."

We're standing in nothing but the darkness of the night and holding on to each other for dear life.

I watch the glow of passing car lights go across her face and for the first time I can see what she's feeling. She looks like someone who's preparing to have her heart broken, her eyes holding back tears behind a dam.

She grips the front of my shirt and places her forehead on mine, bitting her bottom lip.

"Please..." she slowly whispers to me.

How could I break her soul like this? How could I tear her heart in two?

Yet, how could I stay? I can't just live off their couch. She wants me to stay, but just like before, my gut is telling me to go and not turn around.

Jack listened to me. Petal... No, Rose didn't even bother coming after me.

Could I do this all over again?

My breathing kept getting faster and faster, and I thought I might fall to the ground.

"Claire?" Tess questions, "Are you okay?"

I tried so hard to keep it in, but I couldn't hold it all down anymore. My insides clenched tight and my once calm hands turned in to crushed fists.

"God! I'm so scared!" I tell her, "I'm so so scared..."

"Scared of what?" she asks, taking one hand and placing it on my cheek.

"I don't know." I get out quickly before correcting myself, "No-. I do know. I think I'm just scared of telling someone."

"Well," she goes on, "pretend I'm that diary of yours', I saw you writing in it earlier."

"It's stupid," I tell her, "you don't want to hear any of what I write in there."

"I'm sure it's not," she says only to try and build my confidence.

I didn't want to put too much hope into it, "Trust me, it is."

"Just," she tries to find the right word, "try. Even if it's only once."

Once?

"Okay," I nod, "I can do that."

I told her I could, but I didn't know if my mouth would be able to open and say the truth, that maybe it would just tell her what she wanted to hear. The only thing I could do was try.

"Umm," I fumble over myself, "hey it's me, Claire. I know I usually just give you some random piece of advice, but I need to do something different. In fact, I think this potato needs your help."

From the corner of my eye, I can see Tess smile, with her eyes closed, at the mention of my nickname. I'm glad she found it funny.

I regain my composure, taking a breath, before continuing. "I'm scared. Particularly, about one huge thing. It's not about who I find attractive or what my family will think of it, of me, but I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to tell you that... I'm scared... scared of falling in love."

She doesn't say anything and I'm starting to get worried that I've said something wrong or, of course, something stupid.

"I told you," I say trying to shake this uncomfortable feeling off, "It's stupid."

"It's not," she replies, finally speaking up.

Slowly, she moves her hands down to mine. They were warm on my frozen skin and she gazes directly at me, grabbing my attention.

"I get it, that you're scared, and I don't know what words to tell you, but I do know that I want to get to know you better." she gives me a small grin, trying to get me to react in some way.

I just couldn't stop nyself from telling her everything, "I'm scared of falling in love because I've never been in love before."

"Neither have I," she says, "at least not love like this. Something about you just sparked my heart from the moment I saw you. You looked lost and destroyed and I knew when I sat down on that bench with you later in the night that I could help you find what you were looking for."

"You're right," I reply, finally with the courage to smile at her, "I was lost, but I found you. And I'm scared as hell, yet you're absolutely amazing and I am scared that I would let you down. I'm probably a horrible person, I know I'm already a horrible daughter and sister, but I don't want to drag you down into all the shit that is my life."

"Well, if you go down into that shitty pit, it better be big enough for two, cause I won't let you go down alone." she laughs.

"I'll make sure to take note of that," I say, joining in on her laughter.

Tess grows quiet and I know something is on her mind.

"What is it?" I ask her.

I watch her sulk just a second, "You haven't given me your answer."

"Well, you never asked me a question, you kind of just kept saying I want you to stay." I try to keep it all light-hearted, but she doesn't seem to be having any of it.

She stays silent as I watch more lights from the street shine through the window, and the curtains slightly billowing from whatever air current was passing through the room.

I didn't know if she would say anything else, or maybe she wanted me to say something, but what would I tell her?

She squeezes my hands tighter and brings them up to her lips, where she lays a gentle kiss on my knuckles.

"Will you stay?" she questions me.

So much is flying around my brain, I didn't know what to say or ask first, "Where would I live? I can't sleep on your couch forever."

"My room," she responds with a glimmer of hope, hoping she'll convince me.

"Well," I go on, "I'll need to pay rent. I'll need to get a job."

Tess' smile gleams brighter, "I'll even help you do all that."

"What about Chase? Do you think he would be okay with this?"

"Does he need to know?" she rolls her eyes sarcastically.

I smirk at her comment, "It wouldn't be fair not to ask him."

"Okay," she tells me, "but when he says yes, will you stay?"

I thought for a moment that I had finally made a decision, "I'll-"