How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

How To Get Started.

People of the world I give to you... knowledge! Possibly the worst knowledge to ever graze the Earth, but knowledge nonetheless. 

Obviously, this knowledge was top secret until now, but I feel like there's something you should know. Or rather some things.

Now I know you are wondering what this immaculate information is, but first, you need to know why I am telling you.

Ok...

My life has been a total mess for the last five years. Shit happens and somehow its lead me to this. Writing in this now no longer empty journal that my brother gave me. Yes, YOU are my new diary... I think I prefer to call you an advice column that no one will ever see.

So prepare yourself for what is going to be a complete tornado of nonsense.

I present to you, How To Be Forever Alone.

How to get started.

Step 1.

Go to the one shift you were given in the last two weeks at the local bakery!.. Then tell them you quit.

Yep, that's right, you quit your job.

Your boss might not be too pleased, but it's the only way to achieve your full lonely potential.

Quitting your job will allow you to socialize with fewer people, minimizing the chance of meeting an incredibly hot stranger.

Step 2.

Write some sappy sentimental letters to your family and friends.

You never know when shit might hit you. Like death... Really.

This is just a precaution before the next step.

Step 3.

Do what any idiot would do and decide to do the craziest thing you can think of.

In this case, purchasing a plane ticket for the other side of the world.

Somewhere you've never been before, but keep hearing incredible things about the scenery. Like the grass hills that go on for what seems like an eternity. That's all I ever hear about that place. That place being Ireland.

Step 4.

Next, plan a visit to your favourite sibling. In my case, I've only got one, so my choice is very limited. In your case, you might only have a dog, so you're extremely limited. I'm so sorry.

When you stand face to face with your dearly loved sibling, pet their head. They will either really enjoy it or think you're absolutely nuts.

Tell them you have something you want to say to them. Then, when they ask if you're in trouble, explain to them that you will be unless they cover for you.

When that doesn't work, at least get them to look out for whoever cares about you more than them. AKA... a parent, the other dog or your fifth-grade school picture. In the last case YOU, get your sibling to make sure you're not going crazy.

Step 5.

Quickly, tell your sibling that you will blame them if something goes wrong since they were the one who gave you the idea in the first place to go travelling.

Step 6.

Give your sibling the most pathetic big hug ever and tell them you love them.

Then powerwalk away so you don't have to talk to them anymore and they can't back out of whatever deal you made.

Take one last glance at your sibling, cause it might be a while before you see them again.