How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

50.

I spend a week trying to call Tess as much as I could, but she never picks up and I'm left sitting on my couch while I try to hide the fact that my mom and her boyfriend, Rick, are sitting feet from me, kissing. They never seem to stop these days and the back of my mind starts to wonder if he's going to move in. I'm not thrilled about it, but I know there's no stopping them.

After being gone for fourteen days, I finally call my boss at the café to tell him I was quitting. I didn't tell him much, but he told me he understood and to give him a ring if I ever wanted my job back.

Another week passes and now my brother and his fiancé Robin have started planning their wedding from our dining room table. They covered absolutely everything and I didn't understand why they couldn't do this in their own apartment.

They're all completely in love and still unaware of what happened in between me and Tess. This lustful behaviour my family is all portraying just makes me want to shout at the top of my lungs to get them to stop, yet then I know they would catch on that something isn't right with me. It almost made me mad to even think about the possibility of this happening. I'm not sure whether I'm angry at them or with myself, but the longer this goes on the more I feel like I'm about to break and let it all out. My coping mechanism, in this case, is to lock myself in my room, but that also makes me worry if my mom and Flint would figure it out anyway.

Shutting myself off from the rest of the world has left me with a lot of time on my hands, which I spend mostly thinking about Tess and how I wished I knew where she was, and to think that she might never speak to me again. Chase won't tell me anything, and I don't even know if they're still in Ottawa or if they've left to go back to Sudbury.

I have my journal clutched in my hands and for a moment I contemplate writing in it.

"You stupid advice column!" I angrily mumble to it. "God! I wish I never even would have put the ink of a pen down onto you. You've ruined my life!"

I almost tossed it across the room, but I get worried that my mom would come knocking if she heard a loud thud when it hit the corkboard hanging on the wall across from my bed. Instead, I just slam it on to my duvet, hoping that this inanimate object would have felt some resemblance of pain.

The next thought that crossed my mind was if I should burn it like I said I wanted to the last time I wrote in it. Maybe it would save me from future heartbreak, but I don't feel broken, rather I feel like I was never functioning in the first place, and even if I was, part of me believes I wasn't even in control.

"I should have never left..." I tell myself, lying back down on my bed.

Leaving the comfort of my home made everything so... so... horrible! At least now I know the consequences of running off into the unknown.

Maybe it was some sort of sign from my dad, although I don't think I've ever believed in such a thing before. He must think I've gone absolutely mental with all that I've done in the last couple of months. I was never outgoing before this, I was never even the most outgoing person in my family, that was dad.

I have a picture of him taped to the back side of my headboard. I've only ever pulled it out when I've really missed him, like today. I was afraid if my mom saw it she would get all emotional and start crying, not just that, but I wanted to prove to her that I was okay and that his death didn't affect me as much as she thinks it did. I just knew that I had to be strong for her and my brother because if I wasn't no one would be.

I wipe away a stray tear from my cheek and put the picture back in its place before just laying there to pass the time.

At some point, I must have dozed off since I woke up to the sky being dark outside my window and my mom yelling at me from the first floor that supper was ready.

Straighten myself as quickly as possible, trying to brush away any wrinkles from my clothes. My hair had luckily not been to badly affected by my poor sleeping posture, so I give it a little bit of a ruffle so that the strands go back to their natural stance.

I walk down the stairs, passing by that stupid potato portrait of mine that I still despise no matter how many times I see it, and eventually make my way to the small extra table in the kitchen where my mom is placing the final touches on our food.

Tonight, she made roast beef with mashed potatoes and she thought she would be fancy by placing a small piece of clove on top of it all.

"Looks good," I say, doing my best impression of a smile.

My mom returns the expression.

"Thanks, sweetheart," she says.

I sit down beside Rick on his left and my mother right in front of me. We're maybe a few bites in when Rick puts his cutlery down, quite evidently trying to get my attention. Seconds later my mother does the same and they both stare at me like they have something to say.

"What?!" I point out, still with a mouth full of food.

"Your mother and I," Rick starts.

I wish I could roll my eyes right now, cause I don't like where this is going. Plus, he's acting like he has authority over me, what could he possibly have to say?

"Honey," my mom joins in, "we've been talking some things over..."

"...And well," Rick picks up where she left off, "we think you should go back to school."