How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

24.

Maybe there is this one percent of me who thinks it's a good idea to discover who's behind me, probably not calling my name, but all the same, they could have been.

Don't do it! Don't you dare do it, Claire!

It takes every muscle of power that I have to keep my urges inside, to not turn around, and to just keep going. I take one step at a time, walking through the front door of the hotel and back up the stairs to my room.

The sight of the rugged door was the most comforting thing in my life right now, and it's creaking sounded like a symphony to my broken mind.

I've got four bland walls in front of me and I wished that they could speak to me. Anything is better than silence. I was lucky to have the pounding of raindrops hitting the window as my background noise.

It's still the middle of the night, at least I think it is, but I'm wide awake after all the commotion that went on.

The only thing I could really do at this point was to change out of my soaking wet clothes. My once moveable jean jacket had become all gritty and stiff, thumping to the ground as if it were a pile of rocks, my T-shirt stuck to my torso like plastic wrap and my pants had gone from incredibly soft to strangely gooey. I only have to take off my puddled shoes and socks first.

The air was cold on my skin, my little hairs stood straight up and gave me an uneasy feeling.

I was quick to grab one of my soft cotton shirts and flowy pyjama pants. It made me feel at home more than anything. They still smell like my room and the fabric softener my mom's been using for the last three decades... They smell like my dad.

My mom has never been the type to want to change, but I understood now why she hasn't. She still misses him as much as I do. I guess this is something I don't mind keeping the same.

I make my way across the old wooden floor to the single metal framed bed and I plop myself down laying my head on the very deflated pillow. I was probably the thousandth person to have used it, which would explain its unsatisfying nature.

The wool blanket started warming me up as soon as I wrapped myself in it. I didn't care that it felt a little prickly, I was just glad that my shivering was subsiding.

Finally being all bundled up got my mind to focus on anything but Rose. That was until the thought of her name popped into my head again. I just couldn't let it go. I doubt I ever will.

Your first heartbreak is something you remember forever, isn't it? What about the second?

Instead, I could definitely feel my eyes swaying from open to closed, and a yawn rises up through my throat.

And then...

My eyes shoot open. I don't think I was expecting to be so alert. I assumed it was because of the daylight that radiated through the window into my room.

I had to get up just to make sure I wasn't just imagining all of this. I was sure I had only dozed off for a few minutes. It's unsurprising that my cat nap turned in to a full-on hibernation.

Everything was clear, the clouds had completely disappeared, and the sun was as bright as it always is. I could tell that the outside world was still a bit wet, but it didn't spare any time drying.

The only thing left behind by the storm was the clean spots on my otherwise dusty dirty window.

I don't care what time it is, even if it's somehow the afternoon at this point, I have no intention of taking even one foot out of this room.

So much has already gone wrong in the last few days that if I at least stay here, I can't make anything worse than it already is.

But my mind starts to go crazy. I'm trying desperately to stop thinking about You Know Who, but everything about her just keeps replaying in my head. The day we met, the day she found me and every word I ever said to her. There must have been something I could have done to prevent this from happening, but there's no use in trying to come up with any solutions. It's not like I have a time machine to turn back time and undo all the things I've done.

It stresses me out that there are all these decisions I've made that were just complete mistakes. I would die to be able to redo my entire life, cause right now it's an absolute mess.

I finally stop and take a few deep breaths, I need to calm down.

It was quiet for a few minutes. I could only hear the soft plucking of a few guitar strings.

Where is this coming from?

I swear it's coming from somewhere closer then I thought. I can feel the vibration of one note after another. This invisible line of melody pulled me along, and it kept getting louder and louder.

My head is up against the unfinished wall above my bed and I search for the perfect spot to listen from. Whoever is playing is definitely in the room beside me.

I start to hear a low humming followed by a few soft words.

"I don't want to talk, about things we've gone through. Though it's hurting me, now it's history."

Abba. This beautiful deep rich voice was singing Abba. All I can remember at the thought of their name was the record in Jack's collection.

I wonder how he feels now if he's still hurting. I'm a shitty person for leaving him like that and if I had the chance now, I think I would apologize.

God, I wish he was here now! I wish he was this random person in the room beside me cause I would yell my apology to him at the top of my lungs, or maybe I would sing it to him.