How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

22.

We kissed! Oh my god, we actually kissed!

For a moment we part and I'm not sure if I should try and steal another second against her lips. We just linger centimetres apart.

I can feel her grin as she pulls farther away from me.

"So, did I fix your problem?" she asks.

This incredible lightness sat upon me and I couldn't remember anything that had happened before that moment.

"What problem?" I say.

"Look at that," she says, "I've cured you. Maybe I should become a doctor."

"You would be amazing," I respond still in her trance.

Petal gets up and heads towards the small kitchen in the room. I watch her open the small fridge, that you would probably see in a university dorm room, and if she's doing what I think she is, I don't think I can take it anymore.

"If you're about to mix me a drink," I tell her, "I should warn you that your floor might need a wash pretty soon."

"Relax, I'm just getting you a ginger ale. I think your stomach could use it," she says.

Ginger ale was always the cure to any uneven stomach I had as a child, probably in accompaniment with an emergency barf bucket.

I can hear the fizzing of the bubbles and it's quite loud. My hangover was definitely kicking in now, or at least the symptoms were getting worse.

Petal comes back over and hands me a cup half full and I sip it gently.

"Thanks," I say gratefully.

She curtsies extravagantly, "It was my pleasure."

She straightens out her outfit before sitting back down beside me. She, now leaning back on the couch too.

"For someone who's never been kissed until now," she starts, "you're pretty good at it. I'm not lying when I say probably in my top tens. Where you lie on that list will be up to you to figure out."

"Up to me?" I plead. "You always leave me trying to figure out the ending to your maze. Not just that, I don't even get a hint."

"Well, here's one," she says lightly grabbing my chin with her right hand and pulling me towards her.

Her delicate lips touch mine once again and this time I try to take in every new feeling that I can.

"So, do you have a guess?" she asks taking a breath.

"No," I respond, "but I bet you can guess where you lie on my list."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can," she says.

She moves away from me and we settle back into our familiar positions. I can sense that she has a question on her mind. She keeps flipping her red hair back and biting her lower lip lightly. That isn't the movements of a person who doesn't want to say anything.

She doesn't look at me directly, but she turns her head towards me, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I say.

"Are you..." she tries to get the words out, "are you... well... are you gay? I am."

"Oh," I wrap my head around her question, "no one has ever asked me before. And, I've never really stopped to think about it."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," she responds quickly.

Up until this point, I've never seen her as nervous as she was when she asked me that question. She's always had this thing about her that says she's not taking any crap from anyone and she wasn't going to apologize for anything. But now, she raised the curtains that were hiding her façade. I can see who she really is.

"No, no, it's okay!" I tell her. "It's kind of nice to talk about it."

And honestly, it was. I think everyone has just sort of assumed that I'm straight, or maybe they just never really cared what I identified as. Inside, my feelings about who I like have always kind of been a jumble. In a way, I still don't know who I am.

"I know, I'm not straight," I answer. "But, I'm not going to lie, beyond that I'm still lost."

I place my cup on the wooden corner table beside the couch.

"I was kind of lost too when I was trying to figure everything out," she says.

She takes my hand, for the second time tonight, and she studies it.

"It can be absolutely terrifying, I totally get it," she tells me.

I have this inclination to just lay my head on her shoulder, but I hesitate. I'm not sure if that's going too far, but we've already kissed. That's a lot more than resting your head on someone's shoulder. So, I finally do it.

"I'm not scared," I reply. "I know it's just who I am and I know everyone will be happy for me, I guess I just have to tell them. I'm not sure why I keep waiting. Maybe I'm just making sure... cause what if I'm not who I think I am."

"No one is ever sure who they are," she says.

I roll my eyes in my head, "Really, because I'm almost certain everyone around me knows exactly where they fit in in this stupidly loving world."

Petal laughs, moving a strand of hair away from her face.

"What?" I question, "What's so funny?"

"You sound like someone who's being smothered to death by love," she replies.

"That's pretty much the whole reason why I dropped everything and left. I was tired of being the perfect loving daughter and sister. I was tired of love, but look at how well I'm doing now." I say.

"From my side, I think you're doing really good," she says sarcastically.

We both giggle at our comments, probably wondering how we ended up in this situation in the first place.

After drinking almost all night, my bladder finally started to catch up.

"Do you have a washroom I could use?" I ask.

"Yeah," she replies standing up, "It's to the left."

She nudges her head towards the door as she lets out an arm to help me up.

"Thanks," I reply.

But, I can hear the rustled turning of a doorknob. It definitely wasn't coming from the washroom. Instead, it came from the other direction, the front door.

I turn back to look at Petal, "I thought you said Gretchen was sleeping."